Okay, I admit it. Kids can be just plain annoying and difficult to be around. I don't idealize motherhood as if it's all pie and cherries, so I can admit there are times I just want to get as far away as possible from one or all of my kids. Of course, I feel terribly about this when it happens because kids are so intuitive. They don't need to be told by word or body language that you are repulsed, repelled, etc. They just know it because they can feel it on a more subtle, intuitive level. Because of this, I have been watching myself very closely. When I get annoyed or irritated with someone's attitude or behavior I try telling them in as calm a voice as possible "Okay, I need my space to rest and relax now." If Daniel is home I will then proceed to leave the room, or even the house for solitude, breathing, meditation, or whatever I need.
The problem with this has been that my adopted children take it as meaning I do not want to be around them because they annoy me, so I don't like them. Andrew verbalized this to me once on a vacation in Colorado. I asked him to sleep with me one night in the hotel and he didn't want to (I was shocked). I asked him why and he became very quiet, saying "Sometimes I just feel like you don't like me, mom." My heart dropped into my stomach and at that moment I realized that something was wrong.... Something was very wrong with how I was handling his annoying, impulsive, cranky, irritable moments, and he took it very personally. That was last Summer, and I've been sensitive to it and trying to figure out a new approach for months. Adopted children, especially the ones who come home later like Andrew, need to be pulled close during times of difficulty. For attachment and security he needs to know my love is unconditional. Regular, mainstream parenting doesn't cut it.
For Amelie's adoption we were required to watch hours of lectures about this, and my eyes opened even more. Most people cannot understand this, but older adopted kids should not be placed in isolation or time-outs and simply cannot be parented the way most children are. The approches required make my brain bend, and confuse me. When they're cranky, tantruming, having the worst of moments we're supposed to attach them to us- i.e. have them hold our belt loop and walk with us around the house, or sit with us. The bottom line is they need to be in our aura, so to speak, when they are feeling their worst.
This has been the biggest challenge to me with both Andrew and Sky. I have the kind of personality where if someone is yelling at me, or being less than pleasant I put up thick boundaries to protect my own personal peace and sanity. I guard myself well. This has resulted in me either leaving the room, or not talking to them at all until they "turn it around." I have continually tried pushing through my feelings of "disgust", "irritation", and even "repulsion" and it is so, so difficult. Well, I made a breakthrough this morning and thought I'd share it.
Andrew was extremely moody and irritable this morning. When he's like that, it's as if everyone is his enemy and no matter what we do, it's wrong and unacceptable to him. He complained non-stop in a heavy and depressed way at breakfast. I tried to cheer him up, but he got angry with me. I could feel my nerves start quivering, then the annoyance came at his self-pity and victim mentality (I have little tolerance for this, even from children who have been victimized in the past) and I could feel myself wanting to get away from him fast, or worse- lowering to his level for an argument. I took a very deep breath, picked up my warm, comforting tea and sternly told him I wasn't going to talk to him any more until he could show respect and kindness. I then forced out of my mouth, against my will "I love you, and I just want you to be the happy, loving and positive person I know you are, Andrew." I then walked by him and around the corner where he couldn't see me. I sat on the sofa while he ate his breakfast, out of sight. Even though I said those words, I wanted so desperately to run away, or send him some place else to decompress.
I sat there and realized my hiding on the sofa was a mistake....sitting alone, away from him when he's upset (even if he was being unpleasant). I still felt extremely annoyed, irritated, etc., and I couldn't believe I had it in me to say "I love you" when I felt that way. I knew, according to the lectures, that I should be sitting with him at the table. I knew I should do that even though his head was down, he was whining and angry, and unpleasant. But I didn't want to be anywhere near that! I forced myself through it, walked over to the table and "faked" a sweet and kind voice and said "Oh, Andrew you are eating your food so well this morning. Good job." He often has trouble eating, and I hoped something postive would shift the whole situation- me sitting with him and giving a compliment. I noticed my whole body relaxing because I'd chosen love. He looked into my eyes with a softness and said "Mom, I think I don't have those bad feelings any more. Thank you for sitting with me." The rest of the morning was a huge success for both of us. He was joyful, loving, calm and positive and I was completely out of the old negative state.
This is called "Pull Close Parenting" and it's supposed to be the most effective thing with older adopted children. I know it works, but good grief is it tough! It really pays off to set my own feelings aside. I am the adult, the one with more self-control and the where with all to know better than to get sucked in, affected and engaged. I have to choose love at every moment. It's a huge challenge, but I need to pat myself on the back and pray that next time I don't go running the other direction. Andrew was so loving with me after that, and I was almost in tears about the agitation and disgust I'd felt about his behavior. He's doing the best he can and he just needs to know I'm here for him and that I still love him, no matter what. I never would have guessed it would be so hard to let my guard down with children, but we all have work to do, and children are our greatest teachers. Baby steps...
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