Me and My Sis

My niece Zoe, nephew Jonah, my sister Stephanie and I at her home in Lombard, Illinois. All our pictures were taken on Daniel's iPhone so they're a bit blurry. I forgot my good camera, but I think this one is nice.

Bal Vikas Adoptive Families Reunion '09

14 Days

For some reason the idea of just 2 weeks until court keeps giving me huge butterflies, and I can't stop flailing my arms and jumping up and down! Just 14 days...WoW!!! In this busy family, weeks go by so, so fast. The day will be here before we know it!

ALSO- Amelie turned 9 months old today! Sky and Andrew seemed very excited about that, and we should be getting a photo & measurement update on her any day now.

As a side note: Mama Dezutti wrote and informed several families that today was the day she and another parent are taking pictures and video of our kids at Le Toukoul! It warms our hearts to know she has already met Amelie and interacted with her. With the time difference it all happened as we slept last night. We'll see all of it when Meg returns in mid-July...Thank you, Meg!

Double Birthdays

Sky was so sweet this morning about Amelie. He was asking exactly when she's coming home, and when he realized we'd be able to celebrate her birthday (September 30th) he hatched a fun plan. He said "I want to share my birthday party with Amelie." His birthday is four days earlier (September 26th). He said "Mom, let's have a double-party for her and I, and we can even have a cake with both of our names on it- it could say 'Happy Birthday Sky & Amelie' and one end could have 8 candles, and the other end just 1. And on Amelie's end we could have some baby things, and on my end we could have some hotwheels. I will help her open her presents." He was giddy, and jumping up and down with complete excitement. He might have a very good idea!

Gifts

We had to do a little shout out regarding a gift for Amelie from the Raja family! I was very touched because it's one of the first gifts we've received for her (after Grammy Lin's doll). The Raja family includes Deb, Pankaj, and their son Samedh. Little Samedh will be four in September and lived at Bal Vikas in Mumbai at the same time that Andrew was there. He's as cute as a button! It was so wonderful seeing them at the reunion again this year, and we want to say a big "Thank You" for Amelie's new things. Honestly, we are so unprepared when it comes to the basic things like plates and sippy cups....it's a big help!

Life Is Good...No, It's Marvelous!

We had another GREAT trip to the Chicago area again this year. It was an exact duplicate of our trip last Summer: visiting with my sister in Lombard for a couple of days, then on to the adoption reunion in Schaumburg for the entire weekend. The kids did amazingly well both on the drive there and back home (Daniel and I were ready for some major problems like we had on our last vacation to Colorado). I'm pretty certain the three factors- 1) larger car/mini-van, 2) Sky's deepened and more trusting attachment to family, and 3) the fact that Andrew is now taking ADD medication have helped immensely. We also had a hand-held electronic game for them which is a major treat in our 'non-video game' household. There was no fighting, yelling, tantruming or any unpleasant dramas. We all really enjoyed one another, and I sense an even greater closeness to our kids after the trip. When we walked into our home last night, Sky very sweetly thanked us for taking them on the vacation.

And finally, I can SCREAM WITH GLEE about our court date!!! I haven't had time to post much of anything about it, but Daniel and I are over the moon with excitement. We expected to have to wait longer to receive the date, and we also expected the date to be late July or early August. We just have 2 weeks and 1 day left until she's all ours in every way! We're both stunned by the fact that we'll be in Ethiopia exactly 2 months from now-- that is NO TIME for us. Time flies in this busy house, so I'm feeling a need to get early planning started. I'll be printing out all our packing lists (they're quite elaborate, courtesy of Mama DeZutti!) I will also be starting on house sitter notes and making arrangements for Sorin, Liam and Andrew as they stay here. Sky will fly up to Chicago with us and stay with Aunt Stephanie. It's all kind of surreal right now, like when we first got Amelie's referral. It doesn't feel real yet, and I'm sure that's partly because we were out of town when we got the news. When reality sinks in I'm going to go completely berzerk!

Andrew's Teacher Note:

"Andrew has been a total Rock Star at Summer school! He is so helpful with the younger students, and he is just like a ray of sunshine for our class. We are keeping him very busy with changes in activity every 15 minutes, and he has responded well to that. Last week he started being a "peer mentor" to another student who is visually impaired and learning braille this Summer. Andrew has become a HUGE motivation for this student! I just think he is an especially awesome kiddo and I am so glad he's with us this Summer!"
from Ms. Lippman

Court Date!

We are another BIG step closer to bringing Amelie home! Yesterday, as we pulled into my sister's driveway in Lombard, Illinois (after an 11 hour drive) Daniel called our agency director. He was told we definitely had a court date assigned. He sent us the exact date today: July 14. We'd been waiting 6 weeks and 2 days since we accepted the referral. I am floored because I was seriously bracing myself for a later court date, and later travel. Now it looks like we'll get an Embassy date of August 24. No more "limbo" here!
Amelie, Mommy and Daddy are coming very, very soon! It's less than 19 days until you are officially a "Peebles!"

Ready to Go!

Bal Vikas Reunion, 2008

The day prior to leaving town I'm usually running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but I started packing early, so I have less to do today. It's a great feeling, but I'm not used to it. Instead I'm calmly cleaning the house and doing all the extra little things that need to be done with unusual ease. We'll leave tomorrow at 8:00am and arrive at my sister's in Lombard, Illinois around dinner time. I'm looking so forward to spending long overdue time with her family! The picture above was taken last year at Andrew's orphanage reunion. Apparently, his best friend from Bal Vikas, Ragini (the girl, far right in blue) still plans to marry Andrew. Her mom told me she has plans of holding Andrew's hand at the reunion...very sweet! We'll see the whole gang late Friday afternoon, and both Sky and Andrew are super excited about it.

We received good news yesterday from our agency director regarding court dates. Apparently there are 12 families awaiting court dates and he "expects to recieve some dates this week." We've been waiting over 6 weeks now and we're praying that we are included in this batch of dates. Another family said the director spoke to them as if all 12 families will receive court dates, so we're very optimistic! We'll be checking our e-mail like fanatics while we travel this week- not only for the court date, but for the update and photos of Amelie that are due any day between now and the 27th! Once we get the court date we can start setting tentative travel plans because the American Embassy dates are scheduled 6 weeks out from court.

Oh- and I cannot post today without mentioning that Mama DeZutti held her beautiful son for the first time today. She said her heart is bursting open, that he's beautiful and so healthy! What a holy and perfect moment it is when we first hold our children. Her journey to motherhood was very long, but I've no doubt all the agony of waiting has melted away and is forgotten now. Andrew and Sky have been following her on Facebook with us, and when she landed at the Ethiopian airport they cheered as if it was Christmas day! Congratulations Meg!

Father's Day

We had a great Father's Day yesterday. Sorin and Liam were gone at their dad's, which was unfortunate, but of course good for them. We had a special Father's Day lunch at Mad Greek followed by the movie "Up" with Andrew and Sky. After that Daniel came home and played with his new toy- a remote control airplane that I think he crashed at least five times. It's covered in tape now, but still flies! It was a hit that the kids were able to enjoy with Daddy.

Daniel is back to work today, but only for two days so he's doing marathon days to get things squared away, meet new clients and tie up loose ends before we leave Wednesday morning. I'm doing the same craziness at home, getting everyone packed, finalizing babysitter and petsitter instructions, getting the house in order (for once) and trying to do it all without lists. We'll be gone for five days, spending Wednesday evening and all day Thursday at my sister's house in Lombard, then we'll go to Andrew's orphanage reunion in Schaumburg Friday afternoon and all day Saturday. It's the same little adventure we really enjoyed last Summer.

On Daniel's To Do list is to call our adoption agency today and "nag" about the fact that we've waited 6 weeks for a court date and have no news. We were told 5-6 weeks until we'd hear a date and here we are.... still in limbo. I have a feeling we'll hear, "Oh, it's coming soon." Something vague like that...."soon." It's much better than hearing "Oh, the courts are slower now, so you'll need to wait 5-6 more weeks!" I think we'll both be screaming if that's the case, and I pray we don't hear that. So many families are waiting on dates at our agency, some longer than us, so we keep thinking there has to be news soon.

Ethiopia Bound?

Andrew has decided that he wants to stow away to Ethiopia with us...

...and Lakshmi has, too. She's wearing the traditional head dress to prove it!

Baby Steps

It looks like Andrew's room is down to "zero" toys. This includes all small toy cars, art supplies, stuffed animals, and most tragically- books. Granted, he does have several books to browse in the living room, along with a few puzzles and games where he can be supervised. It's a long story that I hesitated to share for two reasons: 1) it's just plain depressing, frustrating and sad to me, and 2) I have a need to protect my children's privacy, believe it or not, and 3) it's complicated. I think this is an issue many adoptive parents of older kids run into and I'm sure it's something Andrew will eventually outgrow when he has healed some core issues. I don't blame him for anything, and when I look at where he's come from, his background and such it would be surprising if he didn't have this issue.

Why doesn't Andrew have anything left in his room you ask? Well, it's due to something that has been going on ever since he came home- the need to destroy, tear apart, crack and break almost every posession he has. We used to remove only the things he broke and refused to replace them. Over the past year his room was dwindling down daily. Even his art supplies, which he coveted, were destroyed....all his wooden pencils broken in half, decorative craft papers torn to shreds, etc. It really breaks our hearts because he really loves the things when he first gets them. He even managed to crack the face of a wall clock we put over his door...I understand some children are just destructive, it's normal at his age. This goes beyond that because he always does it intentionally and to things he really loves. Over the past few months we've started seeing books torn up (new books) and that was very upsetting to us. We don't want him to be without books! The last straw was when I was looking inside his empty art desk this week and found his new school yearbook torn to pieces. The cover was completely wripped to shreds and every page torn out. I was shocked and so was everyone here. He has nothing against school, he loves school. This is simply a sign of feeling "broken" and "torn apart" on the inside. It has to be a mirror, and it's why I said in the post yesterday that we scheduled more therapy. He's come so far in a multitude of ways, but this is one issue that lingers for him. His brokenness combined with an old sense of unworthiness creates a destructive child. Deep down he feels terribly about it and doesn't understand himself consciously. He wants desperately to stop.

For now, we're using the approach of "earning back" toys. He gets a few a week, and if he treats those respectfully and doesn't destroy anything he gets a few more the next week, and so on. He goes to therapy on Monday and will start EMDR to help treat the underlying anxiety and issues surrounding it all. I keep telling him there are so many completely awesome things I want to buy him (art supplies, cool books, puppets, etc) and that I will work with him to help him through this....that he's not alone. He is SO SUPPORTED and I always want him to know that, no matter what.

Interestingly, in all other respects he's been marvelous. He's deeply loving and affectionate and is growing by leaps and bounds at school. He's shining at Summer school, and has made major progress academically and socially. Yesterday he was walking around, following me because, as he said "I love, love , love your smells Mom!" He kept hugging me and inhaling so deeply, as if he was getting his "fix" of Mommy. He's so multi-sensory and quite a little lover. He has so many amazing qualities that whenever he hits these bumps called "issues" I'm able to see through them to the true spirit that he is. He's almost blinding! It's as if we're helping him to peel away layers so that more of him can shine through. I always think that if he healed completely he'd be an overwhelming human being because there is a very bright star in there.

Amelie's Star Baby

I finally finished Amelie's Star Baby doll. The last touch will be a cotton ribbon or small handkerchief at the neck and a tag on the back that says "Made with love by Mommy." It's made with thick cotton flannel. These dolls are traditionally hand made by mothers as a symbol of their love for the child. She's about 18-20 inches across. I can see Amelie dragging her all over the house!

Too Pooped To Post

We've had a lot on our plate these days and this week has been one of those weeks in which it's all caught up with me. I get extremely scattered/ADD about once a month (my version of PMS, I guess) and it's so hard to manage all the details of life in that state. Here is a little list I drew up to help me see it laid out in a more logical way. It's helpful when it's no longer just floating around in my head like a crazy stew!

• Amelie's adoption process, and awaitng a court date (mustering patience takes energy)
• The idea of travel overseas in a few months has me working on large packing lists, and checklists for paperwork. Not to mention the shopping I've done for Amelie (bottles, clothes, diapers, etc).
• The usual juggling of 4 kids and their Summer schedules, along with a 5th child I'm babysitting.
• Realizing Andrew is in dire need of more therapy sessions, scheduling those and working hard to stay positive about the amazing progress he has already made.
• Finishing up a lot of unfinished projects. This is ongoing, but there always seems to be so much to do with an older house, especially while preparing for another child. This list is immense.
• Roof repairs. We did a temporary fix. We're getting our Homeowners Insurance company's adjuster out here to look at our roof.
• Getting the ball rolling to make sure I'm Sorin's legal guardian when she turns 18. We found a lawyer who offered to do it for free, or almost nothing. Yay!
• Getting a letter with Sorin's evaluation stating "she's unable to make important life decisions on her own." We have to call the Family Psych clinic for this.
• Go to the courthouse to assure Sorin's Child Support continues past the age of 18. She will technically be doing 3 extra years of High School (until age 21), participating in a special independent living program offered by the district. She will receive her diploma after that is completed.
• Prepare for a 5 day trip to Chicago with Andrew and Sky. This also includes all preparations for leaving Sorin and Liam (and the 5 pets) with a house sitter (instructions, schedules, meal plans, etc). Sorin will be at a Teen Unity Rally for most of the trip.

I'm sure there are a few things I left out. I've had so much on my mind lately that it's been difficult to find the time and energy to post anything. Honestly, I keep hoping I can post good news about our court date! Despite my scattered periods, I love all the activity.... Sky was thanking me this morning for all that I do. He said "Mommy, you work so hard all the time and I want to tell you that I am so thankful for you." It was very sweet. Then he asked, "Do you enjoy your life, Mommy?" I smiled at him and cheered "I don't just enjoy it, I LOVE IT! I'm very happy being a mom, it's all I ever wanted to do." I also told him it doesn't feel like work to me because I love it so much, and that I hope he's able to find something he loves that much when he grows up. He said "I want to be a Chef, fly a plane, race cars, be an architect and design green cars! How can I do ALL that?!" He wants to do so many things, it'll be interesting to see what he finally settles on.

It's time for me to get back to finishing up Amelie's doll (a Waldorf style Star Baby). It has her name sewn on it now, and I'm getting so excited to have it done! I'll post pics soon.

Sky's July

I'm thrilled that Daniel called the Lawrence Parks & Recreation Department this morning and enrolled Sky in an all-day Summer camp that runs 4 weeks, from June 29-July 24th! I thought he would make it all Summer at home, but he's climbing the walls and has just started the "cling to Mommy" response and needs me to entertain him at every turn. I adore him, but it can become draining after several weeks. At camp he'll have field trips, friends from school, crafts, and swimming 3-4 days a week. He's going to get that gorgeous, rich redskin tan he always gets.

Unlike me, Sky is NOT thrilled with the plan. In Spring he demanded not to do any Summer Camp this year, and since Andrew was doing Summer school I thought having him home would be a breeze. Sky was avoiding the "possibility" of being bullied at camp. Bullying happened at a different camp when he was 5 years old, and he has never forgotten about it despite the positive camp experiences last year, poor fella. I had a talk with him about how we can't avoid fun and happy experiences just because we're afraid of pain. He says he'd rather stay inside the house all Summer than go anywhere.... I think there's a name for that, like agoraphobia (sp?). It's not healthy, whatever it is. It looks like Mommy needs to nudge her little birdie out of the nest for a while so he can have a life (and she can, too!)

Andrew's Teacher Notes

Andrew's teacher wrote me some notes today after his first day of Summer school. Here are a few:

• Andrew did awesome today at school! He did great and we really enjoyed getting to know him.
• Andrew was a performer today, but appropriately! He was our comic relief this afternoon during a game of "Ms. Darcy says..." He was so clever and hilarious with all his responses.
• Andrew has already made an awesome impression on all of us and we are very excited to get to know him more this Summer!

The part about him "performing" had us laughing. In 2nd grade he never finished lunch because he was always too busy trying to perform in front of his classmates. It's an endearing quality, but gets in the way of his eating and academics. He is totally aware of why he doesn't eat during school lunch- "Mom, I am always too busy 'performing' for my friends and I really want attention!" It gets so bad that the lunch ladies end up separating him from classmates and make him eat alone at a small school desk. His need to perform reminds me of church yesterday. All the kids gathered on stage while the adults were singing them in, and Andrew stood there at the center of the stage directing the song (like a choir director) with his long skinny arms. There were a lot of laughs, but he kept a straight and serious face. Afterward, when we drove home, he was beaming with pride about it. I swear I'll be shocked if he doesn't become a Thespian of the stage in high school!

Video: Adoption Memoirs

I can't resist sharing this beautiful video made by the Boyd family. Their daughter, Ayana, has been home four months and they made a video about her journey home. It shows a lot of Toukoul (where Amelie is staying) as well as the streets of Addis. What a gorgeous little girl she is! Click here

Between Busy-ness and Limbo

It was a wild weekend with all four kids at home and minimal homecare support for Liam. Long story, but we're training someone new and transitioning someone else out so we couldn't use up many hours over the weekend. We had our usual "date night" on Saturday evening and some help Sunday morning.

Liam and Andrew started Summer School today. They're gone from 7:30am until 12:30pm M-Th, so it's been a nice respite in this quiet house today. Recovery time for Mama! Andrew was so nervous this morning he awoke at 5:30am and thought it was time to leave. After that he was spastic with worry, and by the time Daniel got him to school he was almost in tears. It's not the same school building he's accustomed to, and he never takes to change well....it will be a week or so before he warms up to the whole routine. Liam, on the other hand, was thrilled beyond belief to see his bus this morning. He stepped out with his backpack and swim bag in tow, and his smile from ear to ear as he greeted the new bus driver.

I didn't want to point it out again (I'm trying so hard to put it out of my mind), but today marks 5 weeks that we've awaited news of a court date. We're in "limbo-land" and I'll admit I have started waffling from deep patience and calmness to complete frustration. I can't help thinking about how nice it will be to have a time-frame to go on regarding an estimated travel date....I pray that we, along with several other families awaiting news, will get our court dates VERY soon.

The wait seems to be getting more difficult for me emotionally. I know Amelie is being well cared for, but it's still not a home environment...it's not her family. I was stricken the other night with a very real sensation of exactly how she would feel if I picked her up with my hands under her armpits. I could really "feel" her little bones (shoulders and ribs), I could see her tiny face which was much smaller than I expected. Her whole body is smaller than I imagined and the sensation of how she feels is still with me. It's very real. She is a tiny and very beautiful little thing...she needs me and I can feel that more deeply. It tugs at me from the moment I wake up and look at her photograph in the mornings, until I fall asleep at night. I'm grateful for the sensations of holding her, but it's making the wait more difficult..... I'm so glad Mama DeZutti will be leaving for Toukoul in just 5 days! I'm not only dying to hear her description of my little Goddess, but in just one week her longing to hold Sammy will come to an end and I am able to revel in her joy!

Andrew's Dream

"The Family of Angels" as told by Andrew Prasad Peebles

Once upon a time there was a little boy angel named Andrew. He was all alone and he floated around looking for a home and couldn't find one. He was very sad and lonely. He floated around for a long time until he looked down and saw a beautiful blue house with a family of angels who were just like him. He knocked on the door and when they opened it they all became a family together.

They floated around, loving each other but Andrew noticed they didn't have any food. He went out and found some, and fed them all. He fed them lots and lots until they were not hungry any more. They were a happy family of angels and they were never hungry or lonely again.

The End

About this story: As I was tucking Andrew into bed this evening he recalled a dream he had the night before. He could barely speak of it because he was choked up and tears were streaming down his cheeks. I asked him if it was a scary dream because he usually has frightening dreams. He squeaked "No, no. It was the bestest dream I have ever had, Mom. It was so happy." He explained that there were angels, and that he was an angel, too. I asked him to share the whole dream. He took a deep breath and finally shared the dream, almost verbatum as I wrote it above. I'm posting it now because it's so fresh in my mind. After he finished telling it he sat up and wept on me with such intensity.

The most interesting elements for me are the symbology and parallels to his own life. The loneliness he endured (for his first 7 years of life), the loving family he finally found, and then the fact that he "feeds" us is the most beautiful part of all. He sees that we blessed him, and that he also has blessed us immensely by feeding our hearts. I told him that this evening and he knodded as if he already knew it. Oh, and before saying goodnight once and for all he said, still in tears "and I'm going to feed Amelie, too."

Waiting On A Court Date: 1 Month

Whoa- today marks one full month of waiting to hear of a court date. When we received our referral, the agency director projected 5-6 weeks until we receive it. That means we'll hear something this week or next week (if he projected correctly). After we receive the date, we'll be able to start making more definite travel plans and know an approximate date for the Embassy appointment.

Once again, I'm feeling very patient about this, while Daniel is getting pretty restless. We got our referral after only nine weeks, and current referral wait times have increased, so I don't feel we have anything to complain about. I count our blessings every day and know we'll have Amelie home at the right and perfect time.

Andrew's Yoga Postures

I couldn't resist posting these pictures of Andrew's yogic skills. He is the most flexible human I have ever known. He does these postures effortlessly...being Indian it's in his genes. He started fine tuning these skills at age seven by staring for hours at our Yoga magazines. The various postures intrigued him, and he's tried almost all of them. He's very proud of himself and these skills. Of course, my favorite pose is the lotus (at top) because he looks so at peace. At bedtime he meditates prior to falling alseep.

He keeps talking about wanting to take yoga classes when he's older. He shared today that he's "decided to be a professional tabla player" (Indian drums), and wants to attend "Tabla College" when he's done with high school. Anything is possible.

All Work and Play

sweeping the kitchen floor. Sky likes to take the handle off his sweeper and roll it by hand. Oh sweet labor...he loves it.

cleaning behind the sofa

Andrew found the skin of an onion behind the sofa

nesting

Sky has been attending the University's soccer camp this week and just as he returned home Andrew was in the middle of oiling the new dining table. Sky asked to help out, and from there on the entire day was a huge success. They worked hard together cleaning the house, sweeping every floor, and scrubbing grime. Of course I sat on a comfy chair just watching them, enjoying their labors as I read and nibbled Chips Ahoy cookies. Sky was on cloud nine and kept saying "I feel so great. I'm free, I'm so free and feeling marvelous!" I think it was the sense of cooperation he felt with his brother. You can see it in the top photo....such pride.

After all the cleaning I gave them a bunch of blankets so they could create a tent out of the dining table. I love their clever bunk beds.

My Old Song To Liam: "Come Talk To Me"

I posted this Peter Gabriel music video because it was my song to Liam for so many years. He had some language at 1 year old, but then lost it. It never returned, so for about three difficult years I sung this song to him (I memorized every word). Many times it was sung while I danced joyfully with him, but some times it was in desperation and tears until I finally made peace with the reality that he would be communicating in very different ways. The silence was painful primarily because I never knew what he was thinking or needing, and never heard the words "I love you." Hearing the song now helps me see how far our whole family has come on the journey toward acceptance and gratitude. He tells me that he loves me every day in very special ways.

Lyrics:

The wretched desert takes its form, the jackal proud and tight
In search of you, I feel my way, though the slowest heaving night
Whatever fear invents, I swear it make no sense
I reach through the border fence
Come down, come talk to me

In the swirling, curling storm of desire unuttered words hold fast
With reptile tongue, the lightning lashes towers built to last
Darkness creeps in like a thief and offers no relief
Why are you shaking like a leaf
Come on, come talk to me

Ah please talk to me
Wont you please talk to me
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me

{chorus 1:}
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Cant you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me [x2]

The earthly power sucks shadowed milk from sleepy tears undone
From nippled skin as smooth as silk the bugles blown as one
You lie there with your eyes half closed like theres no-one there at all
Theres a tension pulling on your face
Come on, come talk to me

Wont you please talk to me
If youd just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If youd only talk to me

{chorus 2:}
Dont you ever change your mind
Now your futures so defined
And you act so deaf and blind
[and you act so deaf so blind]
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me [x2]

I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
til were both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away

I said please talk to me
Wont you please come talk to me
Just like it used to be
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me [x2]

Compassion & Beauty at Walgreen's

I was standing in line, holding Andrew's hand while we waited to pick up Amelie's family photo album prints at Walgreen's. An elderly little lady turned around and smiled at us and Andrew very cordially said "Hello" to her. She lit up and said it back to Andrew with an even bigger smile, and then she walked past us. Andrew turned to me and said "Awww, Mom, she is so, so very sweet and old. I feel so sorry and sad for that poor lady." I asked him why he felt badly about her and he shared that she looks so old, wrinkly and can't walk very well. I looked into his eyes as he spoke, and his heart was literally weeping. I turned around and we watched her with a walker, slowly turning to go down an aisle. He said "Oh Mom. She is so beautiful, look at her." He saw a grace in her, despite her age. He saw beyond it. Andrew begged to run over and help her, but I told him she's okay and doing very well on her own. He continued to beg me until he walked over to the aisle and said "Umm, I wanted to tell you that you are BEAUTIFUL!" She barely glanced back at him, and I'm not sure if she could hear well. It felt like he couldn't think of anything else to say or do for her, but he just desperately needed to say something to connect somehow.

I was touched and stunned by his actions and how much it ripped his 9 year old heart out to see someone he perceived as suffering. I wondered how he was able to handle seeing even worse off maimed, starving and homeless people on the streets in India all those years. I have always sensed a very bold and determined soul in him regarding the need to serve and help others. As a parent, my present concerns lie in the issues of not talking to strangers and boundaries. He still has a long way to go regarding socially appropriate behaviors, and when he blurted the "beautiful" comment it was said loudly and dramatically. I told him that I see a beautiful and caring heart inside of him and I'm proud of him for sincerely wanting to help someone. I added that there are many ways he's going to be able to help people as he gets older; the world needs compassionate hearts like his.

Photos Bound for Toukoul!

In just 12 days this little photo album will be in Mama DeZutti's luggage, on its way to Amelie's little hands (and mouth!) at Toukoul. Thank you, Meg! We are on the edge of our seats and can't wait to see pictures of Meg and her little Sam together. She'll be at Toukoul's Guest House for 3 1/2 weeks and has offered to take photos and video of Amelie for us; I've been feeling so grateful for this today...I'm teary-eyed. There are no words to convey how much this means to us.

She's taking this album with an old, handmade baby blanket we've been sleeping with so Amelie can have our smells, along with a disposable camera for the caregivers. We're hoping they can take pictures of her while we wait, and we'll bring it home for developing after we pick her up. They will surely all be keepsakes.

Amelie's First Shoes

Daniel and I went out to dinner last evening, had delicious Middle Eastern food (felafel, hummus, rose lemonade and an eggplant sandwich on pita with garlic tahini...mmmm). Afterward we ventured out to a few stores and found these cute, soft-sole shoes for Amelie. They're size 9-12 months (infant size 3). They're brown and will match a lot of her clothes. We also couldn't resist the soft and snuggly "Peace" baby blanket.

The shoes are a huge hit. The two younger boys are flipping out this morning, squeaking and squealing. I think they're about to pass out from cuteness!

Notes About Liam

A few people have been inquiring about Liam. I write so much about my two youngest kids that it's understandable. He's always here, in the background of our vibrant family just smiling, humming, skipping and dancing. He's been a quiet witness to so much. We call him the great angel and catalyst of our family.

Liam just completed 8th grade. For those who don't know him, he has moderate to severe autism. He's non-verbal and communicates through gestures, signs and vocalizations. He's 14, but is the size of a typical 5th grader. He has an angelic and sweet nature, so he doesn't carry with him the same type of testosterone levels I see in my younger two boys. He's without an ego, gentle and joyful, and has never hurt a flea. The only time he's unhappy is when he can't seem to get his needs or desires communicated (which happens at least once a day).

History: When Liam was born he was beautiful and radiant. He had a glowing aura around him. And unlike his sister, he was a very calm and peaceful baby. His eye contact was amazing, and I remember lying in the bed with him, face to face, as he gazed into my eyes for long periods; peering into each others souls. He smiled at us, laughed and vocalized. He had a few words by the age of one, and pointed at things that interested him. He sat up on his own at the normal age, but didn't walk on his own until he was about 19 months. When he was about 15 months we noticed he wasn't using words any more, and had never played with objects or toys. He also wasn't feeding himself. After getting an MRI done on his brain they told me it appeared normal in every way, except for a slightly smaller corpus colossum (the area at center of the brain responsible for conveying messages between the left and right hemispheres). I was told by the pediatrician that it was very likely he may never feed himself, never walk or talk, and never show normal interaction with people. I went through a few years of complete devasatation and grief.

He has fed himself independently since age 2, and as I said he did start walking and hasn't stopped since. He loves interacting with family and peers- he prefers tickles and high-fives. He loves trampolines, and is the most muscular person we know...he has wash board abs! The main thing he hasn't conquered is speech, but he makes up for it with facial expressions, gestures, etc. With Liam I have learned to connect on a whole other level....it feels like a more advanced level of communication, not an inferior one.

Activities: He spends his day viewing his large DVD collection and listening to music. his favorite tunes are the Beatles and Enya. He also loves many of the Indian mantra CD's we have, and appears to fall into a trance like state very naturally. He was diagnosed with manic-bi polar disorder at age nine and it was a tremendous relief. We finally found the appropriate treatment for many sleepless nights and severe mood swings. Medication has been a tremendous blessing for him and our family. He loves getting deep pressure massages. He's good at attending music concerts and assemblies at his school. His favorite activity is swimming, and he can swim 27 laps at the local pool. Someone asked me if he was "into sports" and because of that I'd say yes, however not in a competitive way. Liam is all about having fun.

Favorite Foods: Liam is funny about food. He prefers salads complete with peppers, cucumber, carrots, chick peas, mushrooms, tomatoes and NO salad dressing. He prefers greens over just about anything. He doesn't care much for meat, breads or pastas. He loves spicy foods (it's a sensory thing) so he goes for pickles, sweet & hot peppers. A plate full of fresh veggies and salty chips is heaven to Liam.

School: Liam's receptive language is excellent, and he can follow both one and two-part directions. At school they're working on many areas to help Liam become as independent as possible. Here are just a few:

• pouring liquids
• stirring
• Baking
• Cooperating with peer
• Cutting with a knife
• Loading and unloading the dishwasher
• delivering mail throughout the school
• toothbrushing
• dressing
• Taking long walks
• Socialization
• Participating in physical education

The main thing I like to share about having Liam in my life is the fact that he has propelled me to do almost everything I have done in the last 9-10 years. After recovering from the grief and sadness of the diagnosis I felt determined to show him and our family that life is still as beautiful and rich and full as ever. I have never asked "why me" or "why Liam?" As a severely shy and quiet individual, he forced me to find my voice. Because if this, there is such an irony in his lack of speech! Because of Liam I felt compelled to have more children; he has welcomed each new child with grace and a smile. As the family "catalyst" he has done more good for us than anything imaginable. My relationship with the Divine has been deepened and strengthened by his presence. He has served me that way and I feel indebted. With all his difficulties and challenges he wakes up with joy, shares his joy with others and has a lighthearted nature that inspires me every day. I swear he knows a secret about our existence that we'd all benefit from.

It's an honor to serve you as your Mommy in this life, Liam! THANK YOU

Busting Sky's Bubble

I don't know what to say...I'm practically speechless. Well, not really. I'm floored at how Andrew has taken off in his understanding and skill level with soccer. This is a boy who hated sports, wanted nothing to do with it, lacked a competitive edge, and every time he engaged in a game it was a disaster because he ended up falling down and feeling terrible about himself afterward. He's been practicing a great deal with Daddy and Sky lately, and he's finally learned the object of the game. He's also showing a major competitive edge and healthy aggression on the field. This isn't what renders me practically speechless, rather it's Sky's ego and how he's taking all this. He's a complete mess.

All this is showing me how powerful sports can be regarding character development. I'm getting glimpses of the parallels between handling a game vs. handling life. Andrew has grown in his self-esteem, is realizing where his strengths are while Sky is realizing he's not the single best player on the planet. Sky seriously believed that, or wanted to with all his heart. Andrew's previous weaknesses fed Sky's need to feel superior, and now that those are being stripped away he has become a mess (that's all I'll say because I want to protect his privacy). He's having a hard time understanding that there will always be better players than him, better runners, etc., and there will always be players worse than him on the field. Sky has a more dense and heavy bone structure (stalky and muscular) and cannot run like the wind. Andrew has a runner's frame with very long legs and has almost outrun Daddy on occasion! Sky is more skilled at the game and has a great "kick" but won't accept this because he wants to be good at everything.

I'm happy for Andrew and his accomplishments. His self-image has grown by leaps and bounds, and he keeps telling Sky he's a "Super Hero Soccer Kicker" to help ease the blow (he's really concerned with how it's all affecting him). I keep patting Sky on the back, reminding him that his coach thinks he's one of the best players on the team. He's nicknamed "Bigfoot" because of his kicking skills. I think it's healthy for Sky to get knocked off his pedestal for a while...it's humbling for him. His need to achieve and be the best will get him far in life, but he needs to realize that he cannot dominate any person in order to feel good about himself. Again, as I've said before, kids need to feel valuable from the inside out. They also need to cheer for people they care about when they succeed....there is enough to go around, and Andrew's successes are our whole family's successes. Sky is going on 8, and I know without a doubt that he will understand this eventually. Meanwhile, we're kissing those painful [ego] bruises.

"Its up to my chin, Mom!"

Andrew went to work with Daddy today, and on their way they stopped at a Kansas City hardware store to look for fence pickets. We've been needing to replace many of our old ones, but haven't been able to find the size we need (4" X 4'). Finally they were found today, and Daniel sent me the photo to make sure they were a match. I was laughing about Andrew's extremely serious look (it just does not look like him). Good grief, maybe it's just me, but he looks seventeen in the face! And is that a moustache I'm seeing?

After they loaded the goods into the car I was able to talk to Andrew over the phone and I realized he still has an obvious Hindi/Marathi accent. Only over the phone was I able to hear that, loud and clear. I loved hearing it again, so we need to do more phone calls!

To Go, Or Not To Go

We're expecting an update and photo of Amelie any day now, and we continue to await news of our court date. In the meantime, we're discussing the possibility of attending Andrew's orphanage reunion in Chicago at the end of June. It would give us a chance to visit my sister a day or two, then spend a weekend at Homewood Suites just hanging out with many of his old Bal Vikas friends and families. It was a blast last year and the boys absolutely loved the whole trip.

With Amelie's adoption process and all the planning involved I can look at it 1) as an overwhelming and an added stress to adoption travel & planning, or 2) a nice break and escape from our everyday hubbub here in Lawrence. It may help pass some time, and I'm sure it would be a valuable experience with the boys, considering we didn't plan any family trips this Summer. Not to mention we just purchased a nice Toyota Sienna that could get us there and back in comfort and ease. I'm actually smiling at the idea of being able to take a road trip with Sky and Andrew separated from each other.

Fortunately, we have a new homecare worker for Liam who may jump at the opportunity to watch him at our house the whole weekend, and Sorin will be at a spiritual Unity Rally for teens in Oklahoma. It will be the last opportunity to take a trip with just the boys, without little Amelie. So, after weighing it all out it looks like a "go" (for now).

Transracial Adoption Story

I wanted to share this NY Times link because of how very touching it is. The piece is extremely well done, but most of all it's a beautiful, transracial family. I'd love to see more stories like this out there; one adoptive parent said "We don't need it, but it really validates us." It puts a face to a type of family that some people don't consider, and many don't understand.