Skin Deep

Sky has been bringing up the subject of skin color a lot over the last few months, and last night when I was tucking him in bed he was complaining about his own. He started by asking me where I was born, which I have told him countless times was here in Lawrence, Kansas. When I answered him he said "No, no! I mean before that...where were you from?" I told him the only place I was before birth was in the astral realm and/or another incarnation. He kept insisting "No, no, Mommy! Where were you, like how Amelie is in Africa and I was in Guatemala?" I kept answering him until finally he felt defeated and depressed. I asked him what was wrong and he said "Well, that means I don't belong."

It's interesting to watch how kids' minds work, and how desperately they try to piece things together in a way that makes perfect sense to them. The truth is, life doesn't always make sense. At least not the way we want it to. I was able to point out that my sister, his Aunt Stephanie was born in another country (Germany)...I asked "Well, does she not belong?" He brushed over that and it didn't satisfy him, and he didn't care about the fact that both Andrew and Amelie were born in other countries. Bottom line, he felt different than his parents and he finally shared that he wishes he was the same color as Mommy and Daddy.

It never works to show pictures and tell him about President Obama's Caucasian mother and how much she loved him, and how he belonged with her despite his dark skin. It never works to point out mixed race families....he just scoffs at them and is very stubborn about what he wants. We had a strained conversation about it last evening, almost like a debate. Sky loves to contradict and argue, making people work very hard at discussions. He was very "in his head" about the whole topic, and by that I mean he didn't show much emotion about it, just intellectualization. I ended the conversation on a loving note, telling him how much I love everything about him, including his dark bronze skin color, and that I wouldn't want him any other way. None of it seemed to sink in, and then he attempted to talk about how his nose is too small and he wanted to know if he can make it bigger, like Pinocchio's. At that point I realized he was just dragging the conversation out so as not to go to bed so soon! I had to shut the door after feeling sucked in to yet another long Sky debate.

I've no doubt his feelings about disliking his skin color are real. I've seen him wince every time someone with dark skin is shown on television..he literaly tenses up his body and will cover his face. It's a big issue for Sky and it amazes me because we are so accepting of all colors in our family, we have a dark skinned guru, and we've talked about race openly with him since he was a toddler. He has embraced Amelie and Andrew with all his heart, but he always has to point out that they are darker than him, and he prides himself on being lighter. He's an extremely organized person psychologically, and everything has to fit into a category or it doesn't work for him. This is how I see it- he says we don't "match" and we need to all match, just the way his cars, stickers and super heroes are grouped into categories, he's thinking our skin has to match or we don't belong together. Absurd, I know, but until I find something superficial that makes us all alike he will continue. My dark hair and eyes aren't enough for him. We are alike in so many ways, they're not as visible to our eyes as they are to our hearts.

I welcome these types of discussions from my kids, and enjoy them. I just don't understand where his deep dislike of darker skin comes from-- is it social, cultural, built-into the psyche? Andrew brags about his skin and I'm hoping Sky doesn't ever imply anything negative about it, or Amelie's for that matter. I think we have a lot more discussions coming.