Happenings

After getting through the hurdle of last week's court drama we've enjoyed some quiet time, and have set the whole adoption aside in our minds (well, as best we can). The miracle of Court not closing this year alleviates what would otherwise be a great source of anxiety right now. I'm grateful for that every day, and am still awed by the timing of it with our Court date. It's less than two weeks away now, by the way!

Meanwhile, we have enough going on here on the homefront to keep three families busy. The primary challenge has been Andrew's recent need to oppose or do the complete opposite of what he's told to. This issue has come up off and on since Spring, but has recently escalated. We tell him "Don't throw the toys" and he quietly, and without any verbal or facial defiance will throw them. It's a passive, gentle defiance without argument or anger expressed. We tell him to hang up his bath towel, he sweetly says "Okay" and walks to his room only to leave it there and make more of a mess. We tell him to fold his laundry only to discover he has tossed it all on the top shelf of his closet. The list is endless, and lately has lasted all day. He spends time on a "time out" stool in the front hallway, we have sent him to bed early, removed priviledges, etc. We've tried everything to no avail. What does a parent do when consequences don't affect a child? He has told us "I'm TRYING to get into trouble, so I'm happy about it. What I'm doing is working!" and "Can I sit in time-out longer?" or smiles "Maybe you can send me to bed early tonight." It all gives him a sense of control (after the 7 years of zero control he had in India I'm sure it's empowering in an unhealthy way).

So, today we've implemented a new "points system" for both Andrew and Sky so they can earn points toward small daily prizes, like candy, tattoos and gum, and then bigger prizes like what we have in the "Goody Bag." It's full of things like a robot alarm clock, large calculator, a magnifying lens set, large snacks (appeals to Sky), large sticker sheets, bags, stuffed animals, toy cars, stamp sets, and other enticing items. When I showed them to Andrew this moring he was completely awed as if he was gazing at a bag full of diamonds! It takes so little to lure a child into the sense of magic and wonder required to make the bribery work... we have a checklist for both of them with Morning, Afternoon, and Evening "to-do's" and required behaviors. They earn a point for completing each one for a total of 30 points per day. We have a line for Extra Credit if they spend 5 minutes or more in meditation or perfrm some type of outstanding act of kindness. A parents fills it out andsigns it daily, and theform is used like money in exchange for goodies. Most items in the bag require 200-300 points, but they will earn a daily treat in the smaller bag just for having a minumum of 25 points that day. Andrew vowed his morning "I will never, ever, ever sit in time-out again, Mom. I am doing everything on this list and I think you are marvelous Mommy for thinking of this for us. Thank you!" He's so grateful now, but we'll see how it goes. We've tried systems similar in the past and Andrew gets bored with them, or gives up saying "Oh, I can't do it...forget it. Sky can have everything."

We're hoping Andrew has some successes through self-control, and realizes he'll be much more happy and fulfilled by following rules because he gets tangible results that are positive. It feels like we're breaking an old pattern he started in India- I Desperately need attention and control, the only way to get them is to be naughty, I am naughty so this must be he only way to get it, look how upset they (the grown ups get), itmakes me feel powerful, see how this works? It's predictable and I feel safe that way, I'm getting exactly what I want and it reinforces my need to affirm that I'm bad so I'm smiling. We're re-wiring old thoughts and behaviors so it's going to take more than just a few toys and bribes, but we have to start somewhere.