Open & Free

After meditating on the idea of "going private" with our blog I realized it would be a huge mistake. Nothing feels more wrong at this point, so I'm still an open book, so to speak.

Most of my life I was a severely shy and introverted person who prided herself on being a so-called "private person." My teachers seriously thought something was wrong with me, it was that severe. Anything I offered or put out there (including a wave or a smile) was a risk I avoided because I so feared the intense pain of rejection, judgements, criticism, etc. I recall my college years being filled with the deep desire to mask my private, shy ways as "mysterious." I am a Scorpio, after all! I loved the idea of making people wonder about me, and to tell the truth there was a great deal of narcissism in my shyness (as if I mattered that much). People were not wondering about me! Looking back, after years of therapy and spiritual work, I have seen how unhealthy it all was. It seems to run in my family, the need for privacy along with a no-risk, safe mentality. My world was very, very small growing up and there was a sense of "us against them" about the world and not letting it in. A private blog would indeed be a step backwards and I'm not willing to go there.

In addition to my own, very personal history, there are other factors. Like I mentioned when we changed our blog address, there are people with whom I'd rather not have following our blog. I've made this known to them, but if they've disregarded my wishes and Googled us anyway that's on their own karma and conscience. It took me a while to come to peace with this, but I have absolutely no control over what others do and don't do. Que sera, sera!

Finally, our children, all of whom have complex lives, histories and diagnoses are entitled to some semblence of privacy. There is so much I don't share on here because of this, but I do hope by staying public I can continue to honor them in ways that won't make them feel like killing me when they're older. I share what little I do in the hope that it helps other families with older adoptive children, special needs kids and such. Not to mention how enormously therapeutic it is for me. Being open has connected me with so many great families and I'd like that to continue. I always say that I don't feel I have the right to hide myself from the world in any way. My life is not my own, and it is not being lived merely for myself to keep hidden in a box. We are all here to share and connect with one another, realizing our oneness.

I've also noticed blogging puts a nice frame around our lives. It's as if all the difficulties, challenges and joys get simplified into one little picture, and it's a very nice one if I do say so! We're able to look at our lives, or our "stories" from a slightly more objective standpoint. Knowing others are reading (whether I know them or not) is an empowering element that I wouldn't trade for anything. Like I said, I'm not afraid of being exactly who I am and I don't want to start stifling, confining or limiting my voice by making things private. Again, my life doesn't hold that type of paramount importance!