What Is In A Name?

I wondered how serious he was, and how long he would carry this request. Andrew Prasad asked us to start calling him Prasad again, and he was quite serious. In the past he has requested this off and on and then changed his mind within minutes. This time it's sticking because Thursday he announced his decision to his entire class. He brought an "All About Me" bag to school and shared anything and everything with the students about his past, India, his birthplace Nagpur, the 7 years he lived in Mumbai and his love of Indian music, clothing, food, etc. I'm told the students were mesmerized, curious and very excited to see Andrew/Prasad in this new and prideful way.

When he first came home we called him Prasad, and we had every intention of doing so. His legal name is Andrew Prasad Peebles, but we always planned to call him by his middle, Indian name. I always loved that name. It's the Hindi/Sanskrit word used for offerings placed on an altar. Those offerings become infused with the Divine, and are then taken or ingested much like bread and wine in Christianity. Prasad means blessing, blessed, and infused with God.

So, how did we make the switch to calling him Andrew? I will never forget it. He'd only been home a month or two. I was driving with him in the back seat. He fell into a solemn and serious mood and asked, "What is my first name?" I told him it was Andrew. He asked "Who gave me that name, Mom?" I told him we gave him the name Andrew. He sat silently for about a minute, then said "I want you to start calling me Andrew." I asked him why and he said "Because that name comes from you, you gave me that name and I love you." Since the moment he came home he'd been going through a phase of rejecting all things Indian. He completely refused to speak an ounce of Marathi or Hindi (he was fluent in both) and he didn't want anything to do with India. However, he continued to love Indian food, music, clothing and religious practices. He was the most reverent and devotional child, falling to the floor in front of our altar, his forehead upon the floor, calling our guru "Ganapati." Ganapati is the elephant deity they prayed to in Mumbai, and we could see it brought him a great deal of comfort. To this day he still calls our guru Ganapati, and has said he thinks they are one and the same. Very personal story, but Ganapati is the Remover of Obstacles. Prasad is right because we strongly believe our guru brought us to him. The adoption was just 5 months from start to finish (unheard of in India) and we met him on our guru's birthday. Remover of Obstacles indeed.

He retained a lot of the things that comforted him for 7 years, the food and religion, but had a very difficult time with everything else Indian, including his name. He endured years of abuse (verbal and physical), along with unspeakable torture. He was told repeatedly that he was worthless, trash, that no one would ever love or care for him, and that he'd go to jail. When he finally had a family they told him we would beat him. He came home feeling like nothing...worth nothing. His self-esteem was so low that we couldn't see the bottom. It was an endless pit of self-loathing, pain, anger and misery. Despite this, he clung to me, had outstanding eye contact and deeply trusted me from day one. We had a connection that cannot be put into words... ancient and more real than anything of this world. No matter how many times he fell down I kept encouraging him to get up and move on. No matter how much he hated himself, I kept loving him and giving him the acceptance he needed. He'd never known acceptance.

He's been home 2 years and 7 months now, has gone through two therapists and had his share of ups and downs. I credit a higher power for giving me all the tools I have needed to raise him. From the first day we met him when he was all over the place, wired with ADHD and PTSD symptoms I felt filled with an understanding and acceptance I'd never known before. I had no fear. I was being used for this soul, so that he could heal. I was given what I needed at every moment...it wasn't me doing the work. He has gone from a helpless out of control child to a prideful, helpful and compassionate human being. He loves himself and everyone so deeply now. I'd say it really picked up during Summer school this year because of an accepting teacher who saw how much potential Andrew Prasad has. He felt this, and it fostered a self-acceptance that we are loving right now. He's amazing, strong, good intentioned and so in need of serving/helping people. He's blooming. His teachers can't believe how prideful and happy he is with himself these days.

So, it's Prasad. The transition has been tricky, but we're happy to do it for the sake of self-love and transformation. I love the name, and in my heart he has always been my sweet Prasad. He still has work to do on himself, but don't we all? I am so proud of him in these moments, and it's what I live for. To see my kids shine however they are meant to, at their own pace and in their own way.