Balls of Anticipation, Worry, Karma & Courage

We cannot believe it's only 3 weeks and 3 days until we leave for Addis. My stomach drops every time I look at the countdown... time is flying like never before. We're excited beyond words but I'm worried at the same time. Mostly about forgetting something important. Being thorough, organized and meticulous at planning are not my gifts in this life, so it takes a great deal of effort. Daniel is the same way, believe it or not, despite the fact that he's an attorney. We're both scatterheads in our day to day lives so it's miraculous when anything gets accomplished here.

It appears the emotions are starting to pour out from our kids. Primarily Sky. He's been an emotional wreck, trying to contain himself at every turn. At bedtime last evening he lost it and fell into the land of uncontrollable sobbing. He desperately wants Amelie here, but can't stand the idea of us being gone for 10 days and wants us to take him. It eats at him, partly because he has an INTENSELY controlling personality and needs to know our whereabouts, what we're doing and even what we're talking about (privately or not) at every single moment. In kindergarten he had trouble missing me, not because he wanted my comfort, rather he said "because I want to know what you're doing and if you're leaving the house or not." At age 5 he said he wanted to tie me down to the furniture so I'd never, ever leave the house (he was quite serious). He has a need to track people everywhere and it can be stifling and suffocating. Future stalker here? We hope not. Like any child, he'll miss us dearly. I comforted him for a half hour last evening and encouraged him to release feelings, reassuring him we'll be back and that he'll hear from us many times. At the end of the emotional release, while hyperventilating he said "I think you're leaving just to get away from me!" I'm not sure if he really believes this, considering we adore being with him and I spend every waking moment with him and have repeatedly told him how much I enjoy his talkative company. Either he thinks very little of himself or he might have been looking for pity...whatever the case, I realize children often blame themselves for everything that happens, however irrational it may be. After I explained our motives to him he started bawling because I said Amelie will be our last adoption... At this point I realized that he could bawl at anything. Seriously, I could've told him we were cleaning the stove tomorrow and he would have lost it. We've always gotten a sense from Sky that he came into this world with an endless sea of pain that he hasn't worked through for countless incarnations. By the time he was four I realized he carries the inner pain and grief of someone who has been to hell and back a thousand times. In our Eastern faith this baggage is known as karma, and I really think it's part of why he's here in this family. To help him through this crazy human, emotional experience once and for all so he's not enslaved by it.

Sky tried starting the whole wailing, bawling thing again this morning as soon as he got out of bed. He plopped his round head into my lap and tried starting where he left off last night. He was in front of everyone and I was very busy with morning duties so I couldn't even let him go there. I'm starting to wonder how long and how far I should let him take all this. For Sky, it is going to be a long 24 days of this until we leave, and I can only imagine how he'll be upon separation at the Chicago airport.

I have to say that I feel completely at peace about the trip. Every time I travel I feel this way, otherwise I probably wouldn't want to do it, nor would I even consider international adoption. My mother has natural worries every time we travel, which is understandable. With four dependent children at home I'm fully aware of how important our safety is. For some reason I have a complete and total knowing that everything will go well, and we'll be back safe and sound like all the families who have traveled before us. I KNOW IT with every ounce of my being, so I feel no trepidations whatsoever. Fearless is the best word. Logically and statistically, we're much safer in the air on a plane than we are on the ground. These facts don't assuage the fears and concerns of loved ones, but they should be remembered in moments of panic and fear. I keep thinking that maybe my love of travel and experiencing other cultures has something to do with my personal preference for international adoption, I don't know. If I couldn't open up that way and just take risks I might as well be dead. And the real journey won't even begin until we get Amelie home. If we're fearful at all, that's where it should be. Parenting can be far more scary thing than any trip we take, so that's where we need to muster the most faith and courage.