Little Heirlooms of Love

My maternal Grandmother lovingly hand sewed this pillowcase for me when I was a baby. The cotton is extremely soft, and it has my name at the bottom (Jill). I'm planning to restore some of the stitching on the edges and sew Amelie's name on the other side. The little baby blanket under that was the one I wrapped Sorin AND Liam up in when they came home from the hospital right after birth. They're both waiting for Amelie.

Some of Amelie's Clothes

It's hard to believe Amelie will be wearing this to the pool next Summer!

Ok, I don't hate pink THAT much. Especially if it's made out of 100% linen and has embroidery on it.

Her very first cotton tee

This dress is extra special because Sorin wore it when she was a baby. She had her photo taken in it at a studio. It's a 24 month size, so won't fit Amelie until next Summer

Here are a few of her organic cotton bibs

Amelie's Bed

We've gotten Amelie's little corner of the world set up and it feels great. We chose to have a portable bed in our room, partly because of space and partly because of the desire for simplicity. After 4 kids I'm acutely aware of how quickly kids outgrow things and had no desire to set up a big, fancy crib. The most important thing is that she will be comfortable, feel safe, and be very close to Mommy and Daddy. I'm making an extra fluffy, padded mattress with homemade sheets to boot! The little cotton & flannel blanket hanging at the top was one I made several months ago. Notice we have no "pinks"....I'm just not very into them. The two wooden masks were hand carved in Africa, and we've had those for three years. I'm planning to put an "Amelie" name plaque under them. And Sorin and I bought the little old bear chair and plan to paint it together. I got the large bunny for Amelie this Easter (it's extremely soft), and the little doll was a gift from Grammy Lin.

We love having a "space" all set up for her. The energy has shifted in our bedroom, and we're amazed at how the bed feels smaller than the wooden trunk that was there. The room flows and feels perfect.

Blooming Drew

Yesterday and today were two amazing days with Andrew. I don't know what he's going through, but he's been the most happy and upbeat kid on the planet. On top of that his affections toward me have been so open, sweet and profound that it's been overwhelming at times. He's getting better at verbalizing his feelings. When sitting alone on the sofa he looked into my eyes with that sparkle he has and said "I don't know what to do Mom. I love you so, so much I want to cry about it. It's so much love that it hurts." He buried his head into me and hung on, as if for dear life.

I'm noticing something humorous, too. Whenever he's in time-out or getting scolded, and I walk up in close enough range for us to lock eyes, there is a melting that takes place. All his frustrations fall away and he softens up. He reaches for me and asks to see my eyes again. In that moment everything feels unshaken and almost transcendent. He ends up with a soft smile. It looks like my eyes melt him almost as much as his melt mine. We've had that connection since the first moment we met, and it warms my heart to know it continues to this day.

I'd like to add that he may be feeling so inwardly marvelous and open these days because of some major progress he's had on the soccer field with Dad and Sky. They've been going next door almost daily and Daddy teaches him how to play. He's gotten faster and more agile than Sky at the game and it seems to be boosting his self image. For the first time we're seeing a competitive nature come out...a healthy male aggression that used to be clouded by self loathing and doubt. He's stopping in the middle of playing to tell Daddy how much he loves him. In his free time he keeps lecturing the mantra to himself and others "If I don't love myself, I can never really love anyone else!" He's been working so hard on self acceptance and I think it's paying off. He's so genuinely loving these days that I find myself sad when he goes to bed at night, and can't wait to bask in his love and adoration again the next day.

Andrew's Painting

"Dreaming Snail" by Andrew Prasad Peebles, May '09

mixed media: watercolor and crayon

Summer Break is Here

Here's one of the little cotton outfits we have for Amelie. It's tagged as an 18-24 month size, but it's really more like a 9-12 month size when I compare it to her other clothes we have. When I hold it up it's super tiny! Maybe the dress is meant to be a shirt? Hard to believe how tiny Amelie will be, and that she may not even be able to fit this itty bitty thing when she comes home.

She will be 8 months old tomorrow. When we got the referral a few weeks ago she had just turned 7 months, and was 13.5 pounds. Time is flying by, and with each new photo she will look bigger and bigger. I'm grateful to have an agency that is known for getting regular, monthly updates and measurements to families so we can watch her grow and develop. We're due for an update very soon, and I confirmed this with our agency today. We're told it takes a while to get new families into the system, but it's coming "soon."

Meanwhile, as we wait on that and a court date, I've been clearing out Amelie's little corner of our bedroom. We had an antique wooden trunk there, and I have no idea where we'll put it. I'm a "box junkie" and can't get enough of trunks and boxes. Hopefully I'll find it a new spot- possibly the basement playroom. I'll be taking pictures of her little corner of the world, along with all the things we have waiting in her own hall drawer.

Summer Break officially kicked off yesterday, so the whole clan is home. Daniel took Sky to work today, and Andrew has finally decided to curb his boredom by cleaning his room (this is a miracle, considering he enjoys cleaning every room in the house but his own!) In about a week, Sky will participate in the University of Kansas intensive week long Summer Soccer Camp, and on the 15th Andrew will start Summer school with the school district. With his IEP he qualified for that so that he retains all the math and reading progress he made last term. Sorin starts a part-time job at a nursing home on Monday, and Liam will be going on many community outings with caregivers until he starts Summer school.

We've hired a new homecare worker for Liam, and hope all goes well. She starts this Sunday. She was hired solely because we NEED someone who can commit to being here 24/7 during our trip to Ethiopia. Her name is Rachael, she just returned from teaching English to young students in France, and will be a substitute teacher in the Fall. That will give her flexibility to take a week off while we're gone, so it sounds like a perfect fit.

...And More Good News

At last, Samuel Louis Yeabsera is a DeZutti today! I was so thrilled when Meg called with the news...I had tears fill my eyes. If it were not for Meg we would have never switched agencies, and we would not have been referred the beautiful child we have in our hearts now. It's strange and eerie how things work out. Meg is a first time mama and it really warms our hearts. Meg's joy is our joy today. Check out Sam's internet debut here. You can see for yourself that he's going to be quite the charmer!

Along with Meg, I'm told Radu has a long list of other families who passed court today. Emily & Matt passed as well, and should be posting pics of Sarah soon- I'm so excited to see her little face! This day is our 9th Anniversary, and it has been made so much more exciting with all this happy news. We'll be going out to celebrate this evening :-)

Father's Day Gift

Sky brought home an early Father's Day gift today- it's on a 6 X 3 inch piece of wood. Perfect considering he and Daniel really are a lot alike!

Cheering Here

Oh my...so many ETH families are getting through court these days! I've been doing the happy dance a lot, and LOVE finally seeing pictures plastered of the little cuties. I found out today that Mona passed court after getting delayed last week. Of course she was devastated, but today is experiencing sheer elation (and so am I!!!) You can see her gorgeous daughter's slideshow on her blog. What a special day. Now, I'm gearing up to hear more good news from Mama DeZutti and other AAA families. Seriously, I'm all nervous as if we're going through court tomorrow. I cannot imagine how I'll handle it when our day comes!

Sorin's Catfish

Sorin and Liam have been camping all weekend with their dad in the Ozarks. They just sent me a little photo from his phone. She caught a whopper!

Mom: the Shrink

Daniel has been insisting I blog about something Sky shared openly with me. Daniel found it quite amusing.

Sky likes to talk a lot. He especially enjoys talking about himself, his accomplishments and how absolutely amazing he is at EVERYTHING. I don't feel bad saying that his ego is ginormous....it's true. He has always had a need to overinflate himself to fulfill his need for external validation. Today I was sitting in the living room, in quiet, reading. He kept talking about how great his Lego fire truck creation was with the huge swing ladder, side door that opens with a hinge, the real seats he had inside and how the whole design was the best he'd ever made (it really was). He then proceeded to talk about how much better he is at soccer than his friends, his muscles bigger, he runs faster, etc. He finally paused, became very quiet (a rare moment), and then said in an almost whisper "You know what Mommy?" he revealed "I like to show off. I really, really love to show off." I almost started laughing, but remained very calm "I know, Sky. You have always enjoyed showing off and bragging." Sky asked me if I knew why, and I asked him why he thinks he does it. He responded "Because I want everyone to know how completely great I am at everything!"

I wasn't as amused as Daniel about this because Sky seeks a great deal of external praise and validation. He has a very hard time when others succeed, and shows signs of feeling irrational inferiority during those times. I said "Well, Sky, do you know why you care so much about what other people think?" He was stumped, speechless (another rarity). I explained that people who need to brag and make sure others think they're "great" do it because they don't really believe it about themselves. They're not sure of themselves, so they need other people to tell them they're great. I said "Once you believe 100% that you're a marvelous, good enough guy, you won't care what anyone else thinks because you'll be thinking it for yourself." Inflated egos are always a sign of insecurity! Anyway, it was a major 'platter of food for thought' for Sky, but he took it in. I could see his wheels turning and he sat with it throughout the day. I really do not want to see him seeking external validation with such desperation when he's older... we need to help our kids learn to validate themseves from the inside out!

10 Things We Would Like to Instill in Amelie

I was inspired by Mama Dezutti's list for her little Sam, not to mention I need to get used to creating "lists" these days. Of course, 10 was a very small number and I had a hard time singling out that few...there are so many more things I would add.

1) That "family" is all about unconditional love. Loving others unconditionally, and allowing herself to be loved. Cultivating self-love, and ultimately expanding her love of self and family to her larger World family.

2) That she can do and be anything she wants to in life with hard work and perseverance. To find out exactly what it is for her to do in this life (her calling or dharma).

3) That her birth country and heritage are important, to embrace them completely, and to also see beyond that to a greater unity with all of Humanity. To see a oneness beyond illusions of race, religion, etc.

4) To have a respect and reverence for the beauty and awesome power of the natural world.

5) To have a respect and reverence for the beauty and awesome power within herself, and to look for that mirrored in all people.

6) The Law of Karma: What goes around comes around. To do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

7) That expressing feelings, being authentic, admitting when we're wrong, and forgiveness are all signs of strength and courage.

8) To not be afraid of going against the grain. To think for herself. To trust her own inner guidance, even if it isn't popular.

9) That we are all responsible for our own happiness. That we each have the power to create our own Heaven on Earth. To take responsibility for her own life, regardless of outer circumstances. To know that thoughts create our reality.

10) To cultivate a global awareness and give back to Humanity through charity and/or service.

Latest Status

We finally spoke personally with our agency director, Radu, on Tuesday. He informed us that the paperwork between the orphanage and courts (that recommends/approves us as parents) is being translated for the court. I'm not exactly sure what this means, but it does sound like everything is moving forward at a good pace. We officially accepted the referral on the 11th, and by the 19th paperwork was progressing in Ethiopia. We're looking forward to hearing a specific court date, hopefully sooner rather than later.

And from what another parent has shared, updates and photos typically come at the end of each month, so we're on the edge of our seats for more info and pictures of our sweet girl any day now! Hard to believe in just 9 days she'll be 8 months old.

Shifting To The Left Brain

Lists. They seem to be predominant in my mind lately. The only way to get some semblence of control over the huge project of traveling for 8-9 days to a foreign country and leaving 4 children behind is to have lists (which do not come naturally to me). Details drive me NUTS! Especially when they're needing to be outlined carefully with great precision, so as not to forget some grand all-important detail that could knock the whole thing down (my biggest fear). So, I guess I'll start with one list at a time, and go from there. Which one to start with, I'm not sure. This morning I made a small list of things we need folders and small files for, and I'll be purchasing those today. Then I'll be trying to find a more comfortable place for my printer than the floor in the far back room of our basement. I need to print out some ready-made lists from our agency and other more adept parents, and actually "file" those. I'm so organizationally challenged, so these events are a great oppotunity for growth. I have "lists" on the brain so severely that I dreamt about them last night. I kept seeing myself sitting in a cold classroom in a peach school desk, checking off boxes on lists. I can't hardly get my eyes to focus, and my head starts hurting. When I get a list checked off and pick up the paper, there always appears a new page under that one, and so forth. They're neverending, and I have an overall sense of frustration and panic by the time I wake up. I will just have to think of this as excellent exercise for my left-brain, a part of my body that's obviously flabby and in need of work. Seriously, my left brain probably resembles Jello. Like most ADD minds, I will eventually kick into "hyperfocus mode" and won't be able to stop the lists....in that mode I become obsessive and anything getting in my way is shoved aside. It's not always a comfortable state to be in, but it's very productive. Here goes!

Travel Shots

It was a lovely morning at the County Health Department. Daniel had the morning free, so we decided on a whim to go a day early to get the travel shots completed. After a long intake with the nurse who explained what is necessary, and what is strongly recommended for travel, we both ended up getting the Polio, Typhoid and HepA shots. We both had a few we didn't need because of the round we got for India travel two years ago. We also got a prescription for Malaria medication we'll start taking 1 week prior to travel. The nurse strongly recommended Yellow Fever shots, but they are out of the vaccine this week and won't have any until later next week. I've heard from other parents that the Typhoid vaccine can make you a bit achey and sick for a few days...we feel fine so far, and hope it doesn't get too bad.

Table For Seven

I was thrilled to have our new dining table delivered this morning. We kept visiting the store, touching it, imagining it in our home until finally, the 4th or 5th visit we walked in together and it was on Sale! It's entirely handcrafted in India, and has a wonderful India smell to it. I swear that smell is in all their fabrics, papers, etc. Brings back memories. It's a super hard and heavy type of Indian Hardwood, and it's hand chiseled on top.

We now officially have seating for 7 as we make way for Amelie! Three fit comfortably on the bench and then 4 in the chairs. Daniel and I were joking that it's GREAT we only have room for 7, and that we didn't get a table for 8 because God knows we'd end up trying to fill that empty seat; not funny because that happened when we had a family of 5, and a table for 6! This table is perfect for our very "complete" family!

Amelie's Size

I just did a little Growth Chart research to get an idea of Amelie's size. At 7 1/2 months she's the size of an average 4 month old baby in the U.S. It's not unusual for Ethiopian children to be much smaller, and she looks so healthy in her photos so we're not concerned. I actually like the idea that she's tiny...it will give us more time to carry and baby her when she finally comes home. Oh- speaking of "carrying" her, I got a baby sling last week and I love it! It's for infants up to 35 pounds, so I'll be carrying her everywhere for a long time.

Feeling "Right"

The weather outside is amazing- sunny and warm with low humidity (for now). It's FINALLY done raining for a while. I went outside with Sky, Daniel and Andrew to play some soccer and got a lesson in how hard Sky works to play that game. I have a reasonable level of endurance, but it just wiped me out!

It's been a struggle for me this last week just to stay focused on everyday life. Ever since Amelie's referral I haven't been able to come down out of the clouds. Maybe I don't want to. I keep staring at her pictures, which are everywhere. I have one in the bedroom and I always dread the lights going off at night because I want to keep gazing at her. I see her in my mind at almost every moment and imagine her sweet laughter, wondering what her smile must look like.

Daniel and I have come to a firm and definite decision about travel, and it feels as right as Amelie's sweet face. We've decided to travel to Ethiopia together. Something just thugged us over the head at the very same moment (like a giant salami). We weren't together- Daniel was driving in his car, and I was at home. Daniel called me and mentioned the idea, while I was thinking the very same thing. Prior to that moment it seemed impossible, but when we talked about it we realized there is nothing better we could do. We went together to get both Sky and Andrew, despite how "impossible" it seemed at the time. It was two long weeks in India, and with Amelie it will be a mere 6-7 days. That is definitely do-able with careful, thoughtful planning.

So far, we know Sky will be able to stay at a relative's house while we're gone. My sister has graciously agreed to take care of him in Lombard, Illinois during that time (so we'll definitely be flying out of Chicago). Thank you, Stephanie!!! That leaves three kids we have to figure out. We have a great sitter interested in house/pet/babysitting during that time (she's one of Liam's para educators at school) so we should be able to pull this off without a hitch. It's just time to work on housesitter notebooks for schedules, emergency contact info, meal plans, health insurance info, notarized letters authorizing her to give the kids care, where the water shut-off is, and so, so , so much more! It took me a few hours to put it all together last time.

Daniel and I were in the car together this morning, and Daniel mentioned that all the fears and trepidations he had about travel are gone. He feels totally at peace about it, and he's actually very, very excited to go and have this experience together. This says a lot, considering how nervous he was about going by himself ,or even with Sorin. Most of all, we will be able to share the memories of getting her and being in Ethiopia with Amelie when she's older. I have found this to be Gold with Andrew and Sky in their attachment processes, and it has given me a better perspective of where they came from, their people, living conditions and the energy they had grown up in. I think it will mean more to her that I went, just like I did for her brothers. And I have to admit, I'm going to enjoy every minute of the adventure with my husband and one small, beautiful child! From what I hear about Toukoul Guesthouse, it will be like a special retreat with great food and nice, homey accomodations. Looks like Wednesday morning we'll go to the health department and begin our fun series of shots! Woo hoo!

We also got the news that Mama Dezutti (Meg) will be leaving for Ethiopia to be with her Sam on June 13th. She will stay with him until his Embassy appointment and meet her husband in early July. She's a first-time mommy and we are super excited for her. Not to mention she'll take our care package to Amelie, be with her, taking pictures and video, and may witness her sweet laugh for us. We so deeply appreciate her generosity in doing this for us because it makes the waiting a bit more bearable. We hope she gets a picture of Sam and Amelie together!

Lots to smile about here!

Dreaming a Little Dream With Sky

In honor of Sky and his need to convey some pretty heavy information in 1st grade, I wanted to share some quotes and links I'm sharing with him. After explaining that many people probably wouldn't understand or believe the "dream theory" and not to go there at school, especially with teachers prior to testing, he felt badly. He got upset with himself for even bringing it up and I had to reassure him that he's a very wise boy and that he just needs to learn when it's appropriate to discuss these concepts. The fact that he understands it as fully as he does at this age is great, and I told him I'm proud of how hard he works at thinking about these things.

Exerpt from: AS VIEWED, SO APPEARS by Paul Levy

Quantum physics has discovered that our perceptions of the universe actually evokes the very universe that is observed. If we change the way we view the universe, the universe itself spontaneously reflects this change back to us, as the universe is not separate from our perception of it. Physics itself is pointing out that the universe arises exactly as a dream arises: As an immediate reflection of the observing consciousness. Is the nature of light a wave or a particle? Quantum physics points out that it depends upon how we are looking. I call this the "physics of the dream-like nature of reality."

"Life is just a dream. It is not like a dream. It is a dream and nothing other than a dream." -Detong Choyin

Exerpt from: "Multiverse Theory Holds That The Universe is a virtual Reality Matrix" by Paul Davies

If you've ever thought life was actually a dream, take comfort. Some pretty distinguished scientists may agree with you. Philosophers have long questioned whether in fact there is a real world out there, or whether reality is just a figment of our imagination.

Mind Blowing Video: Perception: The Reality Beyond Matter

Sky's "Ultimate Reality" Conundrum

Sky begged me to post this picture of him, so when he gets home from school today he will be thrilled to see this on our family blog. He keeps these large ears inside his wooden "Spy" box so that he can "be sneaky and hear people's conversations better." He's very good at sneaking around the house, silently and sneaking up behind people. I have stood at the kitchen stove many times, only to be startled by his presence. He very quietly walks up behind me and ever so gently wraps his arms around my hips for a gentle hug. It's very sweet, the only problem is it always scares me half out of my wits! He's Mr. Elusive in our home.

Something very funny took place in school yesterday. They conducted State Assessment testing, and when it came time for Sky to sit down and start the testing he turned to his teacher saying "You know what, Miss Hawking? We aren't really here, sitting in the room, and this test isn't real either." As I have said in other posts, he's been very interested in quantum reality and physics, atoms, and how thoughts affect reality. He's been talking to Daddy about this, and knows that matter is made up of atomic particles, and those particles are just energy. Anyway, this is a lot, even for a precotious 7 year old to assimilate and understand, but he seems to be using the theories to minimize uncomfortable experiences. The teacher said "Sky, I don't know what you are talking about. You are really here in this classroom and you're taking a real test." He was adamant in response, saying "No, no, you're wrong. This is really a dream our souls are having, and our thoughts are making this seem real. We are only dreaming!" The teacher was confused, and walked away. She told me later that day she expected Sky to ace the test, but he didn't do as well as expected. She was concerned that, because he thinks this is all a "dream reality" he didn't take testing seriously.

I don't know what to say. There are no books or people I can consult about this. At least not that I know of. We have a very spiritually based family life, and Daniel loves to ponder quantum reality, and talks openly to me in front of the kids about new theories he's reading in books. We practice an Eastern religion and we believe in a reality beyond our physical forms. What Sky says is right, but only when looking at things from that purely metaphysical level. There are varying levels of reality, and somehow we have to help Sky understand that on this physical level we take our work very seriously, and do our best in every task. The whole thing is super comical to me...in was inevitable, really, in this "woo-woo" family. At some point, Sky is going to have to realize that we don't just go around telling people what constitutes reality, and what doesn't. Within the dream we're playing out (or "maya" as they call it in India) he's going to have some "dream consequences" and "dream pain" to deal with if he doesn't value his duties here. We honestly can't stop laughing about it!

Amelie's Referral Day

Long post here....

This Mother's Day started out like any other Mother's Day I've had. The kids woke up, wished me a Happy Mother's Day, gave me cards, gifts, and Daniel showered me with gifts and a card, along with some extra pampering and help around the house. It was a nice day. I went to our meditation group's Sunday morning service and listened to someone read our guru's words about "Mothers", sang chants and sat in quiet meditation for two periods. During the second meditation I started coughing because my nose was running and my eyes were tearing up. I'd just received a very real and clear image of Amelie's face. She was swaddled in a white blanket with nothing visible, except her face. It was a 3/4 profile view and she was looking upward while being held in someone's arm. For the first time, her face was clear with every feature obvious to me. She was a baby. I became overwhelmed with emotion and worked hard at containing myself in the chair. A peace washed over me and I knew I had seen her.

After that I chose to laze around at home, sipping tea, while talking to Daniel and the kids. We ate lunch and the kids worked on projects of their own. My mom stopped by so I could give her a card and gift. I gave her a pendant that said "Sat Ayat" on one side (means Grandmother in Amharic) and "Amelie" on the back. It matches one that I have for myself that says "Enat" (Mother in Amharic), so it was a very special gift. She visited with us, talked for a short period, and then left for the day.

Finally, around 2:00pm I opened up my laptop computer and noticed I had an e-mail from our agency. This was highly unusual because our director has been in Ethiopia with limited internet access. I'd written him on Friday with our concerns about the recent court developments, and the cases that were placed on hold. I mentioned to Daniel that our agency director wrote back and he was very curious about what they had to say on the matter, so he came over on the sofa to sit down and read it with me (he rarely ever sits and reads e-mail with me):

Re: Question about Recent News
Hello
I will check on that Monday..... see attached.....do not put the info over the internet or blog please. Just info is for you.
Thank you

Daniel and I naturally assumed he may have sent us some information regarding the court situation that he didn't want us spreading around. We were curious, so clicked the "open file" tab and saw the names of the three files. Daniel understood it immediately, "Oh my God Christine, open it!" All three file names had an obvious Ethiopian name and it finally sunk in that it was our child's referral. Everything became frantic, so much so that I could only open the file containing her medical and background history, which contained no photos. We saw her age and were in disbelief at how young she was. We scrolled down a bit and scanned everything until we saw a paragraph explaining her development. We read that she has started to laugh loudly, which caught Daniel's eye, and tears started flowing... I sensed how overwhelmed and touched he was. After that, he kept saying frantically "scroll down, scroll down!" as if a photo may be at the bottom. It wasn't. The separate photo files would not open on my computer, for whatever reason. I was shaking, staring at her name. All these months I've been wondering what her name is, whether or not I'd like the name, or want to keep it for her, etc. I kept gazing at her name while at the same time barely catching my breath.

I loved her name, and knew her face was probably even more beautiful. Finally, after sending the files over to Daniel's laptop (across the room) he was able to open all the files. He and the two boys, along with Sorin, were able to see her first. All I recall is a lot of noise, jumping around and total excitement about what they saw. I braced myself and hurried across the room to see her tiny photo. There were two, and she was super cute, and she was sooooo tiny! Most of all, she was the same little baby I'd seen that morning in meditation. My heart melted, and I recall drifting in and out of my body, while going from amazement and awe into deep denial because I couldn't believe that it was 1) Mother's Day, 2) a Sunday, and 3) our agency director was overseas and inaccessible. Despite how unlikely a referral was, we got our referral that day. It is the most memorable, marvelous day for any mother to receive a referral. That day will always be even more special to me now and I'm so grateful for the timing.

I sat on the sofa and the rest is a big blurr. It reminds me of when I gave birth and the excitement of the moment caused some confusion, and details were lost. I do remember picking up the phone to call my mom. She was sitting in her car, parked in front of where we have our meditation group when she received the call. It was the very same place she was sitting when she first opened our announcement letter about the adoption back in December. I said "Mom, I'm looking at her right now!" I offered to send her the e-mail, but instead she opted to come back to my house- in a flash!

Interestingly, we planned to have Amelie's middle name as Lin or Linda, and add her Ethiopian name after that. My my mom's middle name is Susan. After my sister, Stephanie, did some research, her name appears to be an Africanized version of the name "Susan" or "Susanna", meaning "Lily." So, with her two middle names she will basically have the same two names as my mom. The coincidence was a bit chilling at first, but only reaffirms how perfectly right she is for our family. It was all meant to be. I've never had to await a referral before, and I will say that after finally receiving it I feel silly for ever getting worried or impatient while we waited. It came at the right and perfect time, with the right and perfect child for us. Everyone kept telling me that, but it's hard to know that at the time.

Now we sit tight and await a court date. It may take a while to receive one, but were guessing it'll be set for late June or early July. We're back to waiting...but this time we get to gaze upon her beautiful face every day!

Finally, Some Details

We've been hesitant to post much on our blog since receiving our referral because we haven't been able to talk to our agency director personally to verify what we can and cannot share. He plans to call us Monday after his return. It's obvious we received our referral, we've told all our friends and family, including our Yahoo group, so I don't think posting to our blog will hurt anything. When the referral was sent in an e-mail Sunday, our director stated "See attached....do not put info over blog or internet please....Just info is for you." After some thought, I take that to mean we can't release her records or photo to the web, which we have not.

Anyway, WOW! Sunday was a Mother's Day that our whole family will never forget. I am still in disbelief that our director chose that day to send us Amelie's information, especially while he was out of the country. Shock, amazement and awe are just a few words to describe how we all felt. I'll post the details later of exactly how we stumbled upon "the e-mail" that changed our lives. For now I want to say that Amelie is absolutely perfect. She's the girl I kept seeing in my morning visions, only much younger. She was born the very same month that I started feeling and undeniable "tug" in my heart toward a female child (and I was trying so hard to put it out of my mind). She's a mere 7 months old, 13.2 pounds and 24 inches long. Her skin is very dark with a caramel-honey glow, just like I've been imagining. Her eyes are large and wise. She has the button nose and little raspberry lips I kept seeing, too. She is almost completely bald, except for a small tuft of coal black hair growing in toward the back of her head. In one photo, when I enlarge it I can see tiny round spiral curls starting to form. We cannot see her body because of an oversized sweater dress she has on, which looks more like a toddler sweater than a dress; it's oversized and the sleeves are rolled up. I keep looking at her tiny hands, thinking of how many times we'll be holding them. Her cheeks are adorably chubby and she looks so healthy.

Most importantly, she sounds as if she's developmentally on target. She's rolling from back to tummy, tummy to back on her own, and attempts so sit with assistance. She drinks 5 ounces of milk every three hours, supplemented with porridge, and she's sleeping normally. They also state that "she's begun to laugh loudly" which warmed our humorous family's hearts more than anything.

She arrived at Toukoul on April 23rd and we can't help thinking about all the transitions she's had to go through at such a young age. I'm sure her youth makes it easier, but we learned from Sky that on a subtle level it is still confusing, even to infants. She started out in Bahir Dar, about 8-9 hours away from Addis, abandoned at a police station when she was only 1 month old (last Halloween). She stayed at one of Toukoul's satellite orphanages for nearly 6 months and most likely felt very at home there. The police searched and exhausted every avenue to try locating family, extended family, or anyone who would be willing to take care of her. Finally she was sent to Toukoul in Addis Ababa, and has begun another period of transition. Apparently, she's not too horribly affected if she is rolling around and laughing (a beautiful image I hold)....she's probably a ball of great joy, and may be one of those souls who goes lightly through life. I keep imagining her laughter, and cannot wait to finally hear it and laugh along with her.

Details to Come

Okay, as you can probably glean from a few things here we have some marvelous news. I will be posting details in a day or two, when we get the "ok" to do so. Meanwhile, we need some time to let it all sink in. I'm still completely stunned by the Mother's Day I had yesterday.

Daniel's Letter to Amelie, 5/10/09

My Daughter, it is today that I saw your photograph for the first time. And I wonder what it is you are doing now. Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you laughing loudly?

I am beyond words to describe how glad I am to see you, my daughter. Soon you will be home, and growing and playing and living and laughing and crying and throwing tantrums and getting hugs and brushing your teeth and growing so fast that we won't be able to keep up with you.

I am blessed beyond belief to see your photograph today. And I KNOW that this Love is a current, an ENERGY that is truly beyond space and time. As I think about you. As I breathe. As I channel Love into your photograph, I KNOW that you feel this warmth entering your heart and wrapping you in a blanket of Light.

Dad

News About Addis Court

It appears there is some terrible news coming out of Addis Ababa at this time. The court has placed a hold on all cases involving children abandoned in Addis. This is due to an agency that presented a batch of children abandoned in Addis who all had questionable backgrounds, and the judge became suspicious. Of course, it's good when judges catch things like that. It just leaves subsequent families devastated, in limbo, awaiting the unknown. This hold IS in the best interest of the children, though. They haven't released the name of the agency involved, but our director is in Ethiopia now and I'm certain he's getting to the bottom of this, and we'll hear some news soon. I was red in the face about it all yesterday, not only for the families who are now being affected, but because this type of questionable practice hurts so many people. So often, certain agencies see the red flags and continue to work with questionable people just to keep the funds coming in. It happens in the smallest percentage of adoptions (about 1-2%) however the effects are enormous, across the board. I'm glad the investigation is taking place, angry that there are corrupt people who don't have the child's best interest at heart, and know ultimately that this will make Ethiopian adoption courts more careful for the sake of the children and birth families in Ethiopia. In any and all sectors of life there is corruption, and it's unfortunate how many people have to suffer when it happens to the adoption community.

I do know our agency is one of the most ethical working in Ethiopia. The orphanage of Toukoul has been opertaing since the 1980's and are a French operated NGO. I know for a fact that they always makes sure to verify every last detail of relinquishment/abandonment multiple times prior to giving referrals, and before court. At this moment, we're selfishly grateful we don't have our referral because if she'd been born in Addis we'd be lost and devastated right now. I'm hoping each case can be investigated thoroughly and quickly so that current waiting families can move through this painful bump. The court is continuing to hear adoption cases from relinquished children, and children born outside of Addis. My heart is with anyone who may be waiting, wondering whether their case will be heard. *Sigh* this uncertainty is unfortunately the nature of adoption...it requires so much faith, strength and determination.

Life With Sky

I couldn't exactly leave this out, but didn't have a way to fit it into my last post. First, I'd like to say Sky has made major progress toward accepting his brother, Andrew's, quirks. Yes, Sky gets embarrassed socially by his impulsivity and flamboyant, expressive personality, but he's learning to openly acknowledge and appreciate what makes Andrew special.

Sky is becoming quite enamored with girls these days. While practicing soccer yesterday on the field with Daddy he kept looking to make sure a group of girls was watching him. Daniel said Sky seemed to be playing better because of them. Andrew was off playing with the girls, and when they had to go home Andrew said "Goodbye sweet girls. I like you a lot and think you are beautiful!" Sky's chin dropped in awe. At dinner time Sky said "I couldn't believe you said that to those girls, Andrew. Wow, how did you do that? I want to say the same things, but would be way too embarrassed!" He had a tone of respect and admiration for Andrew. He was impressed with his guts! This is something we've been trying to explain to Sky- that Andrew has a lot of courage socially, and that he doesn't really care about people thinking he's weird. Sky says "I wish I could be myself like Andrew is. He's brave." And what a boost to Andrew's self-esteem to hear his brother say these things!

Another tidbit is a quote from Sky this morning that had Daniel and I amazed. Sky really is a wise little Shaman. Daniel and I were talking to each other about life, and time, and how time is only a mental construct. Then we talked about our day and how it will be. Sky jumped in and said "No, you guys. Not this little day. How will the big day of your entire life be?" We love that idea...life is really just a day in the grand scheme of our souls journey. What a wild and exciting day we're all having!

Embracing Both the Ups & Downs

It's a pristine morning. The sun is finally peeking its head out, streaming through our windows, and the birds are getting as excited as I am. It rained all night, and we've had a stream of regular rain and clouds for several days so I wasn't expecting the light.

It was an unusually calm morning getting the kids off to school. After some crazy Andrew-drama last evening, I was finally in a zone of peace and calmness. I wish I'd had that peace yesterday. It was one of those days in which I kept having to leave the room, take a breather and get centered because Andrew was in one of his moods and I wanted to pull my hair out. He has been purposefully seeking negative attention. It's a craving he seems to have lately, and always fades away when we completly ignore it, but then he melts down into anger and tears. I'm human, so after about two hours of negative behaviors I slipped into the cycle of non-ignoring- "No, Andrew. Don't do that, Andrew! You do that one more time, and there will be a consequence!" and then the consequence holds little value to him. He is testing his limits daily, shocking us to no end, and there comes a point where he cannot be ignored.

I found a metal licence plate in his room last night. It was one of those small "Kansas" ones with his name on it that kids put on their bicycles. It was cut into three pieces on his drafting table, sharp edges sticking out, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how he cut it apart (he has no scissors in his room, as far as I know). This was too much after he'd taken a book and torn the back cover off along with the last ten pages last week. After a scolding, I had to go take a breather while Daniel went in and talked to him about the real issues.

It's obvious, ever since Andrew came home, that he doesn't believe he deserves anything he has. His room is sparse for this reason. He breaks almost everything, and the things he can't break he damages. I'll never forget painting his room as a surprise, and when he saw it he was deeply touched, in tears. Later that evening he was agonizing and frustrated because he couldn't "tear the walls down." He kept asking me why he couldn't tear the walls apart or knock them down. Last night we both talked to him about how deserving he is of everything, that he's good enough to have nice things, that he's worthy of being loved, and that he needs to work on telling himself this every day (even if he doesn't believe it at first). Something struck a cord when Daniel was talking to him because tears welled up in his eyes. The first step toward healing anything is to name it, or call it out. Acknowledgment is really half the battle. He agreed that he feels undeserving, so now he's onto the real stuff....the part where he has to accept all the love contained in all the gifts we give him. That's so tough.

He had asolutely nothing in India for nearly 7 years. All his clothes, including undergarments, were community property. Of the few toys they had, none "belonged" to him. After coming home to his very own bedroom with just a few books, toys, 2-3 stuffed animals, a dresser of clothes with his name in them, a trunk and bookshelf, he must have felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude, but with confusion and a sense of unworthiness. He took all his toys, stuffed animals and books and stuffed them under his bed, out of sight, so that it appeared he had nothing. We will never forget that because it was so unexpected and odd. The therapist at the time told us he may have sensory issues (which he does) and could have been overwhelmed with having too much stimuli around him. I got the sense he was afraid that someone would take it from him, and also couldn't bear to look at them. Whatever the case, he still has work to do in this area and it will likely be an ongoing thing in his life. The key is to make him 'aware' of it so that he knows and understands himself, and gains tools for how to handle the unhealthy (and untrue) thoughts.

I have to be honest and say that sometimes a part of me gets lost in hopelessness with Andrew. His issues of pain, anguish, trauma and low self-esteem seem almost insurmountable and they terrify me. I cannot relate to it personally, but what I sense at times breaks my heart. I feel terrified about his teen years and what may happen if he becomes lost in the delusion of pain and self-loathing. The "what-ifs" can drive any parent crazy, but often bring me to a place of realization. I understand that I can't do any of this alone, and that it's not me trying to heal Andrew, and that ultimately he will only receive tools from me...the healing has to come from within himself. And then there is the bigger, more powerful reality. I look back over the past 28 months in awe and disbelief, seeing how quickly he's grown and overcome so much already. His resiliency and capacity to love and attach so deeply continue to inspire me, and he has progressed in ways I thought would take at least a decade or more. I get excited when I think of the person he'll be as this type of progress continues. Most of the time I live in that place of knowing... he came to us for a reason, and has great work to do. I am simply here to serve his soul in whatever ways I can. God knows he has already served me immeasurably, and service is what it's all about.

Nine Weeks

Today marks 9 weeks since sending off our dossier. It was exactly 2 months on Tuesday. We're still sitting patiently...well, I am anyway. Daniel has always had a more difficult time mustering patience. Our agency said 3-4 months, so we're still in a good timeframe. I take deep breaths each day and send my love to Amelie, her birth family, and all her caregivers. I have a strong feeling that wherever she is, she is in good hands. I've been having dreams lately of being in Ethiopia. I feel the warmth of the sun, see the walls and windows of the orphanage as I sit inside them, watching the busy caregivers and the children. They're all around me, the babies and toddlers, but I'm not holding Amelie yet. I keep waiting to see her, but something gets delayed. I don't mind because I have so much to see all around me...that's all I remember. Pretty symbolic of our situation right now. I awaken with a sense of Toukoul, where she probably is right now, and it's a good and caring place. It gives me comfort.

Meanwhile, Andrew was bitten by a brown recluse spider on his thigh and it was infected. I had to take him to the doctor on Tuesday where he had it drained. That same crazy day our cat had to be rushed to the vet. He wasn't eating or drinking for days, but a day or two on anti-biotics has turned him around in a flash. They suspect he had an upper respiratory infection (this explains why he kept sneezing all over us and mucous went everywhere for two weeks). Anyway, we're grateful Zeke is recovering so well, and Andrew's huge bite is responding to medication.

I'm getting ready for a Tiny-K appointment with Cecilia in our home. It's the State's program for early childhood development. They are tracking her development, and giving me suggestions to help her get moving more. I'm enjoying my relationship with them because I have a feeling they'll be an excellent resource when Amelie is home. I'm excited today because Ceci is becoming more comfortable on her tummy, and has learned to pivot herself in circles and pushes off my hands in a sort of primitive crawl. Any day now she will be going everywhere and I'll be pulling my hair out! It's good practice for when Amelie is finally here, and I'm happy to say I've earned such a good sum watching her that we'll have a lot of the travel expenses curbed...they won't be such an "ouch!"

Bookworm

This is an old picture from last Summer. Andrew is always fantasizing that he can read books beyond his reading level. He takes books from Sorin, or off my shelves and tries ever so hard to read them. It reminds me of when I was four and couldn't write, but I sat down and pretended to write pages and pages anyway. Andrew takes old newspapers and tries to decipher the news every day. He will be reading novels before we know it!

Sky in Action 3/26/09

I love these pictures of Sky, and most of all I love that I've been able to spend the last two weekends at his games. He's such a natural at the game, and his passion for it seems to be growing. He was watching YouTube clips of Beckam and Pele today and realizing how many "sneaky maneuvers" there are... he has the right amount of aggression, competitive nature, cooperative, team oriented spirit and sneakiness for the sport!

Little Eden

It's been an extremely busy weekend, so I haven't had time for the web. It's the good kind of busy- the fun kind where I set my sights on projects I've been drooling to finish and I finally got my hands on them. First it was the basement flooring. Over two years ago we laid a ceramic tile floor in the two basement rooms and had a breezeway finished that led to the two finished rooms. That breezeway is great, but there were no tiles on that floor (just cement). After doing the two large rooms we were burned out and let it go for two years. It's one of the most laborious home projects. FINALLY we got most of the tiles laid yesterday evening and it feels marvelous. Grout will come later, after it sets. In addition to that, I finally attached a large wooden, antique flower box to the outside living room window. Our cottage style house has been screaming "I need a flower box, please!!!" since the first day I laid eyes on it. It's been primed and ready to go since last Fall, but now it's up and ready for Spring.

I'm also up to my elbows in new rose bushes, Honeysuckle vines, amethyst Wisteria, tomato plants and tall Hostas for the front yard. Some planted, some waiting on the front porch. Once I start working outdoors I can't stop...I get hyperfocused, obsessed and crazy until the heat comes and I can't bear to be outside any more. In this climate that could happen any day! I prefer to garden in a casual, English country style, throwing things in here and there...very little symmetry with a carefree, but lush feeling (one might call it haphazard). I don't start out with a map or plan of any kind...I garden from my right brain and just enjoy the process, seeing where it takes me, not knowing how it will turn out. I've lived in 7 houses since I had my first child and not since the very first house (in 1991) have I spent this much time planting and gardening. I think I'm finally rooting myself down into this place.

I'm finally going to be posting some old pics from last weekend... Yes, procrastination is my middle name.