It looks like Andrew's room is down to "zero" toys. This includes all small toy cars, art supplies, stuffed animals, and most tragically- books. Granted, he does have several books to browse in the living room, along with a few puzzles and games where he can be supervised. It's a long story that I hesitated to share for two reasons: 1) it's just plain depressing, frustrating and sad to me, and 2) I have a need to protect my children's privacy, believe it or not, and 3) it's complicated. I think this is an issue many adoptive parents of older kids run into and I'm sure it's something Andrew will eventually outgrow when he has healed some core issues. I don't blame him for anything, and when I look at where he's come from, his background and such it would be surprising if he didn't have this issue.
Why doesn't Andrew have anything left in his room you ask? Well, it's due to something that has been going on ever since he came home- the need to destroy, tear apart, crack and break almost every posession he has. We used to remove only the things he broke and refused to replace them. Over the past year his room was dwindling down daily. Even his art supplies, which he coveted, were destroyed....all his wooden pencils broken in half, decorative craft papers torn to shreds, etc. It really breaks our hearts because he really loves the things when he first gets them. He even managed to crack the face of a wall clock we put over his door...I understand some children are just destructive, it's normal at his age. This goes beyond that because he always does it intentionally and to things he really loves. Over the past few months we've started seeing books torn up (new books) and that was very upsetting to us. We don't want him to be without books! The last straw was when I was looking inside his empty art desk this week and found his new school yearbook torn to pieces. The cover was completely wripped to shreds and every page torn out. I was shocked and so was everyone here. He has nothing against school, he loves school. This is simply a sign of feeling "broken" and "torn apart" on the inside. It has to be a mirror, and it's why I said in the post yesterday that we scheduled more therapy. He's come so far in a multitude of ways, but this is one issue that lingers for him. His brokenness combined with an old sense of unworthiness creates a destructive child. Deep down he feels terribly about it and doesn't understand himself consciously. He wants desperately to stop.
For now, we're using the approach of "earning back" toys. He gets a few a week, and if he treats those respectfully and doesn't destroy anything he gets a few more the next week, and so on. He goes to therapy on Monday and will start EMDR to help treat the underlying anxiety and issues surrounding it all. I keep telling him there are so many completely awesome things I want to buy him (art supplies, cool books, puppets, etc) and that I will work with him to help him through this....that he's not alone. He is SO SUPPORTED and I always want him to know that, no matter what.
Interestingly, in all other respects he's been marvelous. He's deeply loving and affectionate and is growing by leaps and bounds at school. He's shining at Summer school, and has made major progress academically and socially. Yesterday he was walking around, following me because, as he said "I love, love , love your smells Mom!" He kept hugging me and inhaling so deeply, as if he was getting his "fix" of Mommy. He's so multi-sensory and quite a little lover. He has so many amazing qualities that whenever he hits these bumps called "issues" I'm able to see through them to the true spirit that he is. He's almost blinding! It's as if we're helping him to peel away layers so that more of him can shine through. I always think that if he healed completely he'd be an overwhelming human being because there is a very bright star in there.
My niece Zoe, nephew Jonah, my sister Stephanie and I at her home in Lombard, Illinois. All our pictures were taken on Daniel's iPhone so they're a bit blurry. I forgot my good camera, but I think this one is nice.
For some reason the idea of just 2 weeks until court keeps giving me huge butterflies, and I can't stop flailing my arms and jumping up and down! Just 14 days...WoW!!! In this busy family, weeks go by so, so fast. The day will be here before we know it!
Sky was so sweet this morning about Amelie. He was asking exactly when she's coming home, and when he realized we'd be able to celebrate her birthday (September 30th) he hatched a fun plan. He said "I want to share my birthday party with Amelie." His birthday is four days earlier (September 26th). He said "Mom, let's have a double-party for her and I, and we can even have a cake with both of our names on it- it could say 'Happy Birthday Sky & Amelie' and one end could have 8 candles, and the other end just 1. And on Amelie's end we could have some baby things, and on my end we could have some hotwheels. I will help her open her presents." He was giddy, and jumping up and down with complete excitement. He might have a very good idea!
We had to do a little shout out regarding a gift for Amelie from the Raja family! I was very touched because it's one of the first gifts we've received for her (after Grammy Lin's doll). The Raja family includes Deb, Pankaj, and their son Samedh. Little Samedh will be four in September and lived at Bal Vikas in Mumbai at the same time that Andrew was there. He's as cute as a button! It was so wonderful seeing them at the reunion again this year, and we want to say a big "Thank You" for Amelie's new things. Honestly, we are so unprepared when it comes to the basic things like plates and sippy cups....it's a big help!
Bal Vikas Reunion, 2008
We had a great Father's Day yesterday. Sorin and Liam were gone at their dad's, which was unfortunate, but of course good for them. We had a special Father's Day lunch at Mad Greek followed by the movie "Up" with Andrew and Sky. After that Daniel came home and played with his new toy- a remote control airplane that I think he crashed at least five times. It's covered in tape now, but still flies! It was a hit that the kids were able to enjoy with Daddy.
Andrew has decided that he wants to stow away to Ethiopia with us...
...and Lakshmi has, too. She's wearing the traditional head dress to prove it!
It looks like Andrew's room is down to "zero" toys. This includes all small toy cars, art supplies, stuffed animals, and most tragically- books. Granted, he does have several books to browse in the living room, along with a few puzzles and games where he can be supervised. It's a long story that I hesitated to share for two reasons: 1) it's just plain depressing, frustrating and sad to me, and 2) I have a need to protect my children's privacy, believe it or not, and 3) it's complicated. I think this is an issue many adoptive parents of older kids run into and I'm sure it's something Andrew will eventually outgrow when he has healed some core issues. I don't blame him for anything, and when I look at where he's come from, his background and such it would be surprising if he didn't have this issue.
