Bragging & Balancing

I'm so ready to brag on Sky today. We heard on Monday after Chess Club that even though he's a First grader he'll probably be bumped up to the Third grade chess level. His peers just aren't challenging him enough, and he recently beat a Third grader at the game. In addition, his soccer coach shared that Sky may have to start playing in the "Club League" next season. That's the advanced league of serious players with a large field, goal keepers and scorekeeping. He feels Sky will get bored and not feel challenged if he stays with his peers next season. He's showing himself to be an athlete with a great deal of focus, skill and potential.

This all affects Andrew (they are so close in age...20 months apart), so we're always emphasizing and pointing out his strengths. He whines about how good Sky is at chess and soccer, and internalizes it as feeling inadequate about himself. He's a great runner and will likely enjoy track and field some day, but until then he needs a lot of encouragement in the creativity arena! He has his own gifts. They don't have school Friday, so I've enrolled Andrew in an all-day Drama workshop at the Community Theatre.

I'm amazed every day at how completely different they are from one another, but they both have one thing in common- they are both marvelously loving and awesome individuals!

Inspired by Progress

I'm optimistic today about Andrew. He keeps bumping up against difficult situations, both at home and at school, but he immediately talks to himself saying "But I'm still a really good boy." He doesn't only mutter the words, but seems to feel them as true. This is major progress for a perfectionistic, traumatized child who was told for nearly 7 years that he was worthless ('trash' was the operative word). He keeps having successes and patting himself on the back, and when he has failures he quickly reassures himself without us having to prompt him.

He's also showing major progress regarding attachment. After two years he's finally expressing a need to have Mom around when he's at school. Instead of voicing this, he keeps going to the nurse and faking tummy aches so he can call me and talk on the phone. Yesterday was the last straw because it was becoming disruptive, so I had a talk with him after school. I had to explain how important it is to be honest about his body because I won't believe him when he's truly sick or hurting. He finally broke down in tears, confessing "I only wanted to hear you on the phone, Mom. I miss you so much at school and I want to see your eyes." It was very touching and sweet, and reminds me of healthy toddlers who venture out to preschool for the first time. That longing for Mommy is deep, and I wondered how long it would take him to get there. He promised never to fake a tummy ache again and said he would use his imagination to see my eyes today. Oh, what a gift it is to be all my boys' first loves! Sky is still telling kids at school he's "Taken" because his "heart belongs to Mommy." I will miss these sweet years when they're older.

Inward

Sadly, we have no Easter pictures this year. Daniel forgot to take his iPhone to church yesterday (where Sorin wore a funny Easter Bunny mask, tail, and buck teeth for the little kids). Maybe something in me resisted Easter this year; I'm not sure what it was. Sure, we colored eggs and suprised the kids with gifts from The Bunny, but I had a certain need to go more 'inward' for the holiday this year. There were no lavish plans, guests or activities. I talked to Sky a great deal about Jesus and what his life was about. We don't do that often because we follow the teachings of a line of Indian gurus and there is so much we already teach about their complex lives, however a picture of Christ is always on our family altar. I explained the significance of Easter to both Andrew and Sky, and all about Christ's life. By the end of the conversation Sky was awed. He kept saying "Mom, I think Jesus was a really super-cool guy!" and he expressed wanting to be just like Christ and our gurus. This is the part of Easter that matters most to me- that my kids understand the significance and meaning of the holiday, and don't just go through the superficial motions. In that sense, the holiday went beautifully.

On another note, we have Amelie's hall drawer all ready upstairs. It a huge, deep drawer and it's filled with all her things. I revealed it to Andrew last evening and was surprised to see him almost in tears. He touched everything (blankets, dresses, toys, etc) and with a somber voice and watery eyes he said "I want to touch Amelie, Mom. I want to see her face and take care of her." He pulled away from the drawer and walked quickly to his room as if it was all too much for him. Small children, including the infant, Ceci, I take care of on weekdays, trigger a lot of old issues for him. He was raised in a sea of infants and toddlers, and he misses them dearly. At the same time they trigger negative memories & emotions. He approaches Ceci with caution...his heart opens, closes, opens and closes again around her. One day last week he opened up completely to her and all his grief washed out, crying about the babies and toddlers he cared for, missing and worrying about them in India. Amelie will be a catalyst for growth and healing in him, and I think they will be very, very close to each other. I can't help but smile about all the love and pampering she's going to receive from her two youngest brothers.

It's a new week of waiting, anticipating, on the edge of our seats for her picture. Will this be the week, or next, or the next?

Week #5

We're at 5 weeks now, yay! I'm happy whenever we make it to a new week; now I can say we're 'going on' 6 weeks.

After posting yesterday I felt like quite a whiney baby. I considered all the families who have longer waits at other agencies, or with other countries, and felt terribly selfish. It happens to the best of us....we lose sight of all the positive things happening around us when we're in that state of "why me" or "why not now?" Really, it's a childish place to be. Before we know it, we'll have little Amelie's face in front of us- a photo and all her information, and we'll have peace of mind with her eyes forever rooted in our hearts. It's a simple matter of time.

Meanwhile, the children I do have at home are entertaining enough. Yesterday, Andrew came home from school and had armpit odor for the very first time. Really, it was bad. I almost fell over, not only from the smell, but because my 9 year old boy who has only been home for two years is beginning to show signs of puberty! There was a voice deep within me screaming "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" My Andrew who has shared that he secretly wishes he could be an infant again, who still wants to believe in the Tooth Fairy (despite his brother Sky trying to ruin it for him), and he still asks me to help him get dressed every morning. He is my baby in so many ways and he simply cannot have smelly pits yet! Well, I faced reality today and went out to purchase him his first deodorant this afternoon. He used Daddy's this morning, and when I took it out he acted very concerned. He's so underexposed to the world, especially cosmetics and body care products. He looked at it and said "What is that? What are you doing?! You're putting Glue Stick on me?!!!" He was a bit tense about it, but I was cracking up about his perceptions..... those stick deodorants really do seem like huge Elmer's Glue Sticks! He never ceases to entertain this family.

Time to Whine

This waiting really stinks. I must be into torture or something...what was I thinking? Seriously, after two international adoptions I have no experience with this sort of madness. Andrew Prasad and Sky were both on Waiting Children lists and we started out the process with their pictures and information, knowing they were being cared for. This is a whole new place for us, to be already attached to a faceless little girl and not know her present circumstance. Is she in good hands now or suffering somewhere? It's a cloud of mystery I carry around in my heart and I had no idea how hard it would become. I always watched parents awaiting referrals over the years and wondered how on earth they managed it. I sat with my waiting children's photos and paperwork from day 1 and believed deep down that I could never make it with the grace and patience they had.

Daniel's optimistic and hopeful 4 week prediction has come and gone, and now he's hoping for a birthday surprise the 21st. That will be at about the 7 week mark, which is possible but I'm not able to affirm it will happen (he's still positive). My positive spirits seem to be cowering somewhere and I'm bracing myself for a couple more months wait. Depressed, no way, just suddenly needing to be a realist to save my sanity! Me a realist?! What's happening to me? I need to tell that part of myself that anything is possible, and the reality is that no one knows anything. 4 weeks, 5 weeks, 10 weeks, 16 weeks? No matter what I trust we'll have Amelie home for Thanksgiving this year, and I may be muddled in tears on that day. Last Thanksgiving Daniel and I looked at each other and said confidently "Next year on this day we'll have our new daughter with us." It will be the most thanks-filled Thanksgiving of our lives.

Happy Feet

Despite being a bit sleep deprived today, I'm cheering and squealing while doing the Happy Dance! I've just learned that the family who guided us to our new adoption agency, the Dezuttis, received their court date today. We'll always be so grateful to them for their gracious assistance when we made the difficult decision to switch agencies in January. I'm so THRILLED for their good news, and their homeward-bound baby boy is absolutely stunning! Their referral took 6 weeks after dossier submission, and they received the court date just 1 month and 1 day after referral acceptance (set for May 27th). Now they'll be traveling in June! This is marvelous because they've offered to hug and play with Amelie, and take pictures of her during their visit to Toukoul. We're praying our referral comes soon so we can at least have a court date by July or August. The rainy season this year is supposedly hitting around early September; at that point courts are closed for a couple of months. Last year it hit in August, so we're grateful for the extra month....the timing this year couldn't be better!

The waiting for our referral is getting more difficult lately. It comes in waves, really. One moment I'm fine, busy or too tired to think, and the next moment I'm feeling all nerves & needles & impatience washes over me. This not knowing if her photo is coming today, or 7 weeks from now is trying. I always thought patience was one of my strongest virtues, but the adoption process always makes me wonder. Once I see her little face, something is going to come together in my mind and heart, and so many things will make sense. I just know it... when will that day be?

Real Estate: One Down, One to Go...

We're cheering here! We removed the old 'adoption fundraising' box from our blog months ago with a sense of certainty and trust we'd be able to fund our whole adoption somehow, and even come out ahead. We were correct. It looks like we sold some property that Daniel inherited from his father several months ago. It's in Hermitage, Missouri (the Ozarks) and someone offered to purchase all the lots from him. She has adjacent property and wants to insure no one builds on on them in the future. Of course, with the real estate market being what it is, they're being sold at a discount, but it sure beats having to pay taxes on land we don't want or need! Not to mention it replenishes a lot of our adoption expenses.

We're also selling our lake front property in Forbes Park, Colorado, near Taos, New Mexico. Anyone interested can view a listing here. It's the most heavenly, serene place on Earth (next to Alaska) in my opinion. The parcel has a gravel drive cleared and is wired for electricity. The private development is like a nature preserve with no hunting allowed. It's sad to sell, but we decided long road trips and camping out with our boys in the wilderness are not activities we'll be subjecting ourselves to again any time soon. I'm able to laugh about it now, but we're still rather traumatized from the last 12 hour road trip out there....just thinking about it makes me tense! I won't even begin to describe the scenarios those two munchkins put us through (and I believe they enjoyed it). I'm sure we'll enjoy that type of activity with them when they're more mature. Whenever it sells we'll be getting estimates on finishing our attic for Amelie's room. That excites me far more than the mountains these days, and considering I'm a mountain-maniac, that says a lot!

Nostalgic Andrew Prasad

Andrew has been very nostalgic today, talking a lot about his past and asking me to play Indian music (we've been listening non-stop). He's been missing friends from his old orphanage and at the same time remembering very sad and frightening memories. He came home at almost 7 years, so he remembers the day he received the news of a family and the photo album we sent him-- the biggest day of his life up until that point. He'd spent years saying goodbye to his orphanage friends, and kept wondering when it would be his turn to have a home and family. Today he described memories of being at his Mumbai school, longing for a mother, wondering if she was around and if he'd ever meet her. He said there were times he thought she was there with him, standing behind him in class, in spirit somehow. He's very, very sweet... with tears he finished by saying "I didn't know that you were real, Mom, I just thought I only imagined you."

After two years of being home his gratitude hasn't diminished an ounce, and neither has ours. He was one month shy from being sent to a government home. He has said with great certainty that our guru helped him get home "just in time". It was one of those all-around "divine timing" things because we also happened to meet him on our guru's birthday, January 5th.

I wanted to post the link to the 1 year anniversary slideshow we made for Andrew last year. He begged to watch it today and became quite emotional. I'm noticing he's really opening up to a trip back to India some day (as long as Mommy is with him).

Sky's Soccer Game

Sky has his back to the camera, but this captures what a kicker he is. Last season, the coach handed Sky the ball almost every time they got a free kick. Daniel takes him to the regulation size footbal goal at the high school to practice kicking field goals. He's already kicking them through, almost as easy as pie... he has a very straight, skilled and determined kick for a 7 year old! Reminds me of the ancient Mayan game of Pok-A-Tok and how they used to kick primitive rubber balls through stone holes over 3,500 years ago (hands weren't allowed in that game either). It's in his genes!

It was the first soccer game of the Spring season. I wasn't able to attend because I had to stay home for Liam, but Daniel went and said it was a great game. He can tell the team's skill level is improving since they started in the Fall of their kindergarten year... Come to think of it, this is his 4th Soccer season. Wow!

Our Bedmate

Daniel and I had the lights off in our room last night and noticed a small head sticking out from under the bed covers. Lakshmi was sleeping like a human, all tucked in. You can tell she's a little perturbed by the light being turned on.

Week #4

Today marks week #4 since sending off our dossier. Time is flying despite our impatience. I'm working more diligently today on my book. My computer is severely ill (may have to wipe out the hard drive) so I had to transfer the file over to Sorin's laptop. In doing that I happened to look it over and reignite interest in writing it again.

I haven't shared any chapters with anyone until today. Daniel is reviewing the first two and we're having fun. He's home early today in the quiet house and we're loving each other's company.

Amelie's Clothes

For several days we've been wondering "Where on Earth will Amelie's clothes go?" She'll be staying with us, in our room for a year until we decide on a new sleeping arrangement for the younger boys, or have the attic renovated. The latter is preferable. Until then, we have plenty of room for her bed and a small chair. We have no room in our closet or dressers for her clothes, so I've been stumped until last evening. I opened the bottom drawer of the hall storage cabinet and it dawned on me she would have plenty of room there for a basic wardrobe. Right now it's almost empty with only a few photo albums. The other drawers and cabinets have blankets and sheets in them, but the bottom drawer has never been used much. And boy, is it a long, deep and wide drawer!

When we first looked at this house 7-8 years ago that set of hall drawers thrilled me. I always loved old hall drawers and cabinets like these. Now they will be used for something very, very special. We need to start using the bottom drawer now because Amelie's little dresses need a place to stay. Anything stored in them absorbs that wonderful 'old wood' smell, so I love pulling blankets out after they've been in there a while.

As for her wardrobe, I plan on using Waldorf/Rudulf Steiner recommendations for a very basic supply. Depending upon the season, I believe for toddler girls it's something like: 2 pairs of blue jeans, 2 slacks, 4 dresses, 2 skirts, 2 pairs of tights, 10 pairs of socks, 1 pair sneakers, 1 pair of dress shoes, 1 pair of rain boots, 1 pair of sandals, 7-10 shirts and 2-3 cardigan sweaters. They are all supposed to be in a general color theme or color category for mix 'n' matching...right now she has a lot of varying plums and purples. The numer of clothes is supposed to be enough for two weeks worth of different combinations/outfits while doing laundry 1x/week. It's so easy to go overboard with children's clothing because we see things in stores, say "awwww, isn't that nice?" and buy them impulsively without taking inventory. Before we know it, drawers and closets are stuffed and the kids have a hard time making choices with too many options. I have noticed with my boys that by cutting down options, getting dressed is a much easier and less stressful task. Not to mention they do great at folding their own laundry when its fewer items. If I end up buying more than what is needed, I have stored some for a couple of months and cycled them out for interest, and it still keeps things simple. This all sounds very "organized" for me, but I've found, for an organizationally challenged mom, nothing has been better than simplifying my children's wardrobes.

We're also considering these cloth diapers. The girl I watch on weekdays wears these marvelous, modern all cotton diapers with snaps and a cover. I'm amazed at how well they fit and absorb. The footprint left on the environment is far less than disposables, and the money savings is significant. I tried using cloth diapers on Sorin in 1991-92 and it was a disaster....they were the rectangular cloths we now use for spit up only. I had to use pins, and they leaked all the time. I can't say enough about how far they've come with cloth and the ease of them.

Here is the link to the specific "fitted diapers" we're looking at. I love where it reads: "Beautifully textured fabrics to help contain even the runniest poop" because I have found this to be so true!