Building Pride बिल्डिंग प्राइड

Andrew Prasad and Daniel at a park in Mumbai, India, 1/2007

I don't know why this surprises me, but Andrew is showing great interest and pride in India now. When he first came home two years ago he refused to discuss India, then went through a very negative phase about all the pain and suffering he endured physically and emotionally. So, I guess I figured it would take him years to separate his whole birth country from the negativity. Just a month ago he surprised us by differentiating between India and Bal Vikas (his orphanage). This was a huge step. He finally understood that his orphanage was not all of India, but a mere speck in the ocean of his great birth country. He's begun bringing things to school from India to educate his teacher and classmates about clothing, traditions, religions, holidays, etc.

A few weeks ago he brought his orange silk kurta outfit covered in sequins that has a rudraksha mala (prayer beads) to go with it. The teacher told me his classmates went bonkers over the beauty, and that Andrew did a marvelous job of presenting it. A week after that his classical Indian singing teacher and a local tabla player came to his class and gave a demonstration. Andrew introduced them, and I'm told he felt extremely important and valued that day. The entire second grade saw him in a whole new and interesting light. This is gold for his self-esteem and healing process; his pride is still blooming. I seriously thought this would take many years. This morning he begged me to bring a book on Hindu holidays and rituals to class, but I told him to ask his teacher first. He's been looking all over the house asking to take anything to school that has to do with India. He ended up drawing a large Indian flag last evening, and brought that to give his teacher today. He drew it twice because the first time he didn't get the Buddhist wheel at the center "perfect" enough.

Sky has started attending the Indian singing classes with Andrew. This can be a bit challenging as I sit on the floor behind them, prompting and correcting two boys who typically bring out the mischief in one another. Not to mention Sky has nervousness surrounding music in general (I think it's the emotional, feeling aspect of it). The classes have been great at helping Sky realize it's safe to sing and feel things. The teacher is incredible because she mixes in yogic teachings about the mind, self discipline, and life, and she has very high expectations of the children. She doesn't sit and have a play-like time with the kids like most Western teachers do, she makes them work. She also throws in a lot of Hindi, which Andrew no longer understands but wants to learn. Sky keeps saying "Hindi is way too hard, dude, so I'm sticking with Espanol!" He is a true ham. We are very blessed to have access to such a wonderful class with a teacher who gives the lessons for free in her home, and helps fuel pride in our creative and expressive Indian child.

On another note, Andrew's need to express himself is growing by leaps and bounds. I can relate to this, being an artist myself. He is starting to verbalize this by saying the mantra "I love to paint, I love to draw and want to do it all, all, all day." I explained to him that after completing public school he can choose to attend an art school. He responded with a firm "No way, there is no such thing as a school that does only art, Mom!" He sounded angry, as if I was teasing him. I explained that I attended the art school at KU, and there are others in the area he can apply to. His chin literally dropped, then he quickly shifted to complaining about the long wait until graduation. I explained he has to do well at 'regular (boring) school' or they won't let him in an art school. I also reminded him we're setting up a room downstairs where he'll be able to paint for hours on the walls, furniture, canvasses, etc. That will be his decompression chamber and haven from the world. There seems to be nothing more calming for him.

Sorin's Light

It's difficult to post about something that I didn't witness first hand. Sorin ventured out to Colorado last Thursday on a bus with over 55 kids. She had an incredible weekend at her YOU (Youth of Unity) Rally. It was held in the mountains of Allenspark, near Boulder, CO. She returned last evening at 3:30am and sacked out from 4:00am-12:00 this afternoon. She got up all rumpled and tired, filled with tears because she wasn't at Rally any more. I know that feeling after returning from a blissful place, like my guru's ashrams. You just don't want to come back to the world!

She sat down and shared with me about the amazing experience of walking through fear. Someone at Rally had taught her how to play notes and strum on the guitar, and they recommended she play a tune or two at Spirit Sharing (a kind of 'talent show' they always have). She agreed to do it, but just prior to playing she began crying off stage. She said she was terrified and wanted to back out. Suddenly she heard hundreds of teens chanting her name and she was touched. She found the courage to get on stage and basically walk through fire (I wouldn't have the courage to do it!) She sat and played a tune she made up, and when she finished everyone stood up and cheered for her. As she was telling me all this I couldn't shake the feeling I'd missed something huge in my daughter's life... this was the very first time I'd felt this way, and I think it's something that comes when your child begins growing up. She will have many experiences, both difficult and beautiful that I will not be witness to. This is hard for me to accept, but I was thrilled to know how profound this experience was for her-- a 'defining moment' in her life. How empowering for a girl who has always felt so different and often disconnected socially. How beautiful a place that must have been, and what beautiful teenagers they are to support her with such love, empathy and acceptance. She's now begging to attend the Spring Rally in Oklahoma and I wouldn't dare deny her another miraculous experience away from home.

Sorin- YOU INSPIRE ME!
ॐ ॐ ॐ ॐ ॐ ॐ ॐ ॐ ॐ ॐ

I Wish I Could Keep You For The Rest Of My Life

The words "I wish I could keep you for the rest of my life" really touched me tonight when Andrew walked up, touched my face and looked into my eyes with such love and depth. These are the types of statements we don't hear from our biological kids because they take for granted that family = forever. They have that luxury, while Andrew and Sky are always wondering when the rug will get pulled out from under them. It doesn't matter that Sky came home much earlier (17 months old), they both have this issue. I responded "Oh of course you have me forever, Andrew, that's what mommies are for." He had a surprised tone "I do?! Oh cool." Then I added "I still have my mommy, don't I?" He walked away seeming to be deep in thought a few seconds... "Yes, you do."

Getting Organized

Last evening while Daniel worked late in court, I sat down with our entire dossier going through our checklist of documents. I realized we still needed a form signed by our home study agency, along with some other unfinished items (including our 'photos' pages). It was good to go through, get a headache and realize exactly where we are. I've heard it appropriately termed "paperwork sickness."

On a happy note, today we received our notarized and gold-sealed copies of the State Police Clearance letters. Things are slowly coming together. Looking back at our other adoptions, the ball never feels like it's rolling until we get all the paperwork done and sent off. At that point it will feel like a 'conception' has taken place and we'll wait, wait....wait, and wait some more. My mom said the other day that she keeps wondering each day "Is this the day Amelie was born?" It's eerie, and we have asked ourselves that same question many times.

I'm finding it more difficult with each adoption to find the time to compile paperwork. With my daily schedule it makes me think of another blog I read recently about multi-tasking. My daily routine: Peeling myself out of bed at 6:45am, sitting in silence for a moment to gain composure and focus even if and when Liam is yelling for me, as I'm half-dressed wobbling out of my bedroom with a rooster hairdo into the dark hallway to make sure Sorin has gotten up on time and has showered so that Liam can bathe by 7:00am, while at the same time putting pets out and getting ready to greet baby Cecilia at 7:15 (I have to orchestrate Liam's bath to be over, dressed and fed by then), along with getting Sky and Andrew peeled out of their gooey sheets while not buying into their cranky complaints and arguments, picking out their clothes fast enough to get downstairs for Liam's bus, then breakfasts, sack lunches, cleaning up the kitchen, showering myself and getting ready just 20 minutes prior to getting Andrew & Sky to school, coming home, collapsing for 15-20 minutes with my tea recovery time, and then I proceed to the duties of the day..I'm lucky if I remember to check my calendar and get everything done. All the while I'm breathing and focusing upon a central part within myself that remains inactive and calm, unchanged and unaffected by the whirling dharma of my life. It's a core of joy. I won't even get into how my daily juggle goes after school. That can become even more hairy, but when the kids are in bed (all by 8:00 and no later) I have my cherished time with Daniel, and we reflect on all the wonderful things that took place in between all the actions and duties we carried out. Those make it all worthwhile and we cannot imagine how it's all going to be with our 5th little munchkin thrown into the mix. Routine seems to be the most valuable asset with a family...it becomes like a fine tuned machine when we have a rhythm and it takes time to obtain. I like to think of it as a cyclic dance; the more the merrier!

Mini Update

We got a letter back from USCIS stating we can come in on any Wednesday to complete our fingerprints for the I-600. That was the fastest they've responded and we hope we get our approval from them that fast.

Yesterday Daniel and I drove to Topeka to acquire original birth certificates for Sky and Liam. Daniel is getting Sorin's today in Kansas City. After that we'll have all our documents for the dossier, except we're awaiting a notarized copy of our State Police clearance letter. That should arrive any day.

I took Sky to his therapist this morning and all went great. He spent about 1/3 of the session talking about how excited he is to have a baby sister, and that the wait is killing him. I have to say I am amazed at the extreme nurturing side that is blossoming when he is around baby Cecilia.... As a rambunctious boy I never would have guessed he'd be so caring and gentle with her, but watching him is very touching. He reads to her, strokes her head, hugs and holds her in his lap, and all the while he is glowing in a way we've never seen before. What a wonderful daddy he will be some day!

Baby Steps

These sealed envelopes are music to our eyes. After working tirelessly yesterday to put together our new dossier documents, I filled out our USCIS I-600A form (for Immigrations) and made copies of all the necessary documents for it. I also completed the application for our new agency, attached our homestudy along with the social worker's signed agreement to do post-placement reports. All this while babysitting a 5 month old! I get stressed because I worry about my scattered mind forgetting or overlooking a detail or two, so I obsess until it's done. When Daniel came home he reviewed the documents and carried them to the post office. My shoulders are dropping about five inches and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in a few days ~breathe~ These little details seem trivial to post about, but every little step is so valuable in this complex process. Andrew and Sky are commenting on how much work adoption requires, and asking whether we did all this for them. It's nice that they're old enough to understand and witness all we went through and I think they feel more valued and special as a result.

Tomorrow afternoon I'm taking a break from all the paperwork and right-brained, organizational hubbub. Tonight is our 'writing night' and I'll finally have some creative time to work on my book.

A Little Closer to Amelie...

Okay, okay...the indecision has ended and we're mailing our application to the new placement agency today. They're not exactly new, and I believe they've been around for at least 20 years or so. They have a track record, and I've heard from satisfied families who used them. We researched the Better Business Bureau and they haven't had any complaints against them. It's such a huge decision that it's been stressful and mind numbing, but when I see the delays for referrals and huge waiting lists at our current agency the decision seems obvious.

So, the application is ready and going out today. Once we're approved we'll inform the other agency and proceed forward. Meanwhile, our completed, notarized copies of the home study should arrive today and we can send that with oour I-600 to the USCIS immigration office for a fingerprint appointment, then approval. I'm praying this isn't delayed due to a new administration....with Sky's adoption the approval came in a matter of weeks, and for Andrew we ran into delays. Divine timing, Divine timing...I have to keep remembering that no matter what happens it's all for a reason, and all is exactly as it should be.

Tomorrow morning Daniel and I will venture out to get a new State Police fingerprint clearance. We had them done before, but we didn't request a notary on the clearances because the other agency didn't require them. This new agency does, and right now it's taking 1-2 weeks to get them back. Next week we'll be going to Topeka for originals of Sky & Liam's birth certificates, while Daniel will work at getting Sorin's from Missouri. Those are given to us within minutes while we wait. For Andrew we'll simply attach a "true copy" statement to a copy of his original Indian birth certificate (I was so relieved we're allowed to do this). After the fingerprints, and birth certificates are gathered we'll be ready to authenticate the dossier. We're moving forward with all smiles!!!

Last night Daniel and I talked about how frustrating it is not to see Amelie's face yet...not to even have a clue what she looks like. He said "If we close our eyes we really can see her, though. Just focus on her." I did that and sensed her outline, her tiny form, her hands, and could feel her in my arms. I keep feeling her in my arms and it's comforting. Before we know it all these sensations will become tangible, physical and seemingly surreal even though she is here, smiling, growing and thriving.

Indecision

It's been a crazy couple of days with our dossier compilation. It might be less crazy had we decided to stick with our current placement agency, but after speaking to a couple of families who switched we're rethinking everything. We're at a point where we haven't given them our first large payment for dossier submission, so we have the luxury of rethinking now (a huge blessing, as many families are 'stuck' with an unexpectedly long wait for referrals). We're only about 90% decided on the new agency....they've been prompt about returning e-mail inquiries, they run their own "model" orphanage in Ethiopia with two US doctors on staff, and they have no waiting list (which amazes me). They are a small agency and do mostly Eastern European adoptions. I was told referrals for Ethiopia are at about 12-16 weeks after the dossier is completed, then travel 1-3 months after that. They even offer an escort service that we're considering, rather than travel. The drawback with an escort is that we won't see her birth country and it will extend her wait to get home by about 4-6 weeks. I'm concerned about it because we traveled to bring Sky & Andrew home and she may ask why we didn't do that for her.....Daniel has no problem with the idea and says we'll tell her "she flew home to us like a beautiful bird." We could always plan a trip with her when she's older, I suppose.

Anyway, everything feels a bit 'up in the air' and ungrounded right now until we decide 100% on switching. Meanwhile, I've been working on the documents needed for the other agency just in case. I have to make a trip to Topeka for Liam's original birth certificate, and Daniel has to get Sorin's in Missouri. We only have an Indian birth certificate for Andrew and I wonder what to do-- we only have one original and don't want to part with that. If it looks like too much trouble we'll stay with our first agency because they only require the parent's birth certification. Oooooh but we would love to switch to an agency with no waiting list! If we did, I'm guessing the dossier would be completed by late February and we could have a referral by May or June. How I don't like to project and guess like that with international adoption, though.....it's a very tricky process! We're bracing ourselves for any possible outcome...

Meanwhile, with our original agency we heard that 10 families received referrals yesterday! I was so happy to hear that and was jumping up and down for all the families who had been waiting 8-9 months. It's also good news for the other families on the list as they move up...I hope the referrals keep pouring in because the list was at about 100 families and God knows there are far more children needing homes.

Snags & Blessings

It turns out our homestudy is complete, however our social worker is still waiting on Sorin's fingerprints. They were redone after ours, so they're late. Until we get those back, the homestudy can't be 'officially done' and used to apply at the immigration office. Oh well, it's a Friday so I'm hoping for good news by early next week. Meanwhile we're zooming through our dossier and have a lot completed for that.

I've been starting to pay close attention to incoming referrals at our agency and have been told they come in waves. There was a dry spell over the holidays, but they are picking up again. I think they had 3 boys referred this week, but won't know for certain until we receive the Friday update this afternoon. Sometimes they come in tidal waves, sometimes all girls, or mostly boys, or both. It's all random and very unpredictable. The most important thing for those on the waiting list is that they're coming so the list gets going. I'm told after the dossier is completed we'll get a number based upon the group we fall in to (those desiring a girl, age 0-3). Initially, we started out requesting a girl, age 0-2, but was told by our coordinator that if we open the range a bit we may have a shorter wait. This doesn't mean our girl will necessarily be older, though... I recall a batch of 4 girl referrals that came in November and they were from 0-2 years old. It's the 'unknown' that can be torture on the heart!

Is she alive now? If she is, is she being cared for, fed well, is she receiving enough touch and is she well? If/when she is ill will she receive proper care and treatment? Without her in my tummy it is an agonizing part of the process that requires complete trust.

I have found out that two families who received referrals had waited 7-8 months on the list, so we're bracing ourselves for a long journey! It's hard, but on one hand it gives us a great deal of time to save money for the last portion of our adoption fees and travel. If we didn't pay for it all in piecemeal we wouldn't be able to do it, so we're grateful for 'time'. We paid the balance on our homestudy with money I earned doing in home childcare. That felt great! There always seems to be more than we need whenever we need it.

Watching little Cecilia every day has been one of the best decisions I have ever made, not only financially, but because I'm noticing my brain shifting and splitting from 4 directions to 5! I need that preparation. When she isn't here on evenings and weekends I notice that I miss her....my mind continues to keep tabs on her even when she's gone, and I have to remind myself she's not in the house. It hasn't been the least bit overwhelming, even when the kids are out of school... if anything, she gives Sky something to do because he LOVES reading to and playing with her. Ceci is one part of this journey that feels very right...her presence in our family has been a huge blessing and I am grateful to her for just 'being' here every day.

Her Name

Well, it's final...at least it's final for now! We've decided to name our new daughter Amelie Linda. Amelie is pronounced: Aah-ma-lee with the first syllable stressed and the second syllable barely there, almost like Aam~lee. I have always personally loved the name (it's French and means 'industrious'). Linda is my mother's name and means 'beautiful'. We researched countless baby name sites and kept thinking we loved this name, that name, but none of them stuck. As soon as we read the name Amelie we said it aloud and it was very, very right. I asked Sorin what she thought and it was the first name that didn't take her any time to adapt to; she liked it immediately. I know there will be mispronunciations, like Uuh-Melly, but we're willing to deal with that. Even Sorin and Liam get their names mispronounced, and often!

It's so nice to refer to our new daughter with a real name in conversations... I have a feeling that after the names Amelie and Linda will be a third Ethiopian name that she keeps.

We are all looking so forward to tomorrow's historical inauguration! Woo hoooooo!

Why Not?

I don't like to harp on this, and probably won't again. We are so often asked "why" regarding our choice to adopt internationally (or adopt in general)....especially again. Especially when we already had biological children, and now have completed two adoptions and will soon have a clan of 5. People outside the adoption community seem to have a more difficult time wrapping their minds around it, including relatives, colleagues, and friends. I suppose it's a human need to rationalize a "why". The simple answer that immediately comes to Daniel and I is "Why not?" Honestly, the question stumps me the way "Why are you doing something marvelous?" would stump anyone. Maybe the answers below will help end this discussion for many, not just those who know us, but for all who know families who have adopted children and have the same question. One parent I know has had children by three's- First three, then three more, and now awaiting three more from Ethiopia. I was recently inspired by her blog to list the personal "whys" that are in our hearts:

-Because we have a strong sense of how short life is. It's brevity makes us want to fill our cups with as many happy memories and touch as many lives as possible.

-Because when we are on our deathbed we won't be thinking about the cars we didn't buy, the larger house we could have had, or the trips we could have taken with the money. We'll be thinking about how well we loved and how many hearts we touched with depth and sincerity.

-Because we never know how long we'll live. To live for a quiet retirement of travel, or in a quiet, childless house is completely futile if we never make it to retirement. We live for "now" and fill our plates to overflowing until we take our very last breath.

-Because maternal instinct and drive was built into me so strongly that it's my greatest passion. I love my job and can't think of anything else I'd rather do than nurture another child. It's my dharma.

-Because I feel a deep drive to serve individual souls this way. To help those who may have never reached their full potential have the most happiness possible, and find their own higher purpose is deeply rewarding.

-Because we have seen severe poverty, disease and hardship in India and Guatemala, and have been very affected by the unthinkable numbers of children in need of families. We know that adoption does not eliminate the orphan crisis, but if we can end the suffering of one more child and help expand awareness we feel compelled to do it.

-Because all children deserve a loving and supportive family, whether here in the US or abroad.

-Because even though we don't have room in our house for another child, we can make room.

-Because this quiet but persistent call within our hearts doesn't allow us to do nothing.

-Because we don't live in fear, worrying about negative outcomes or problems we may cause ourselves. We live from a centered place of love and trust, and in that sacred place it feels supremely right.

-Because we never underestimate ourselves and what we are capable of.

-Because we don't view another child as a burden, as expensive, as an obligation or more "work". Each child adds a new dimension to our family that we cannot imagine living without. Their presence always makes up for/casts out any ideas of hardship.

-Because we know and trust that everything we need will be given to us at the right and perfect time. This has proven itself to be true time and again, therefore we do not beleive in lack.

-Because we are grateful for all we have in our lives and welcome more gratitude.

-Because we crave more, ever new, ever expanding joy in our family.

-Because we know that she will shine her light on each of us in different ways and cannot say "no" to these possibilities.

-Because it is a calling felt deep within our core. Both of us feel called to this, together.

-Because we love all cultures and work daily to embrace them all as our world family. Having a multi-racial family will give us great lessons and personal growth that we can't even imagine yet. This excites us.

-Because all children are beautiful and equally deserving whether brown, pink, tan, yellow or white. Regardless of birth country, heritage, or genetics we are all one family and our's will reflect this.

-Because we still feel very young at heart and have so much to give another child. We can't imagine wasting this.

-Because we believe there is another soul calling to us, who is already part of our family.

-Because, selfishly, when we are very old we will want as many children around us, checking on us and loving us as possible.

-Because we don't see anything more worthy of our time and resources than welcoming another beautiful, brilliant soul into our lives.

-Because we like taking risks by biting off more than we can chew, and just chewing it! This practice has never failed to give us great joy. When we trust and say "yes" we are always rewarded in more ways than expected.

-Because who could say "no" if they won the lottery? Each new child has felt that way....a tremendous blessing and we often have to pinch ourselves.

-Because my gifts and talents are specifically geared toward mothering, nurturing and helping those around me gain strength, peace and joy. The sacred duty of Mothering was stamped into my heart before birth.

-Because I believe that Divine Mother is working through me to raise my children, and I am simply her vessel.

-Because parenthood is an honor, and each new child is a precious gift to ourselves.

-Because we don't want to say "no" to having more fun.

-Because children keep us young and inspire us to take even better care of ourselves. We look forward to being around long enough to see and care for our baby girl's children.

-Because she will teach us more than we will ever be able to teach her, and we will need her far more than she will ever need us.

-Because Love is the most awesome power in the universe.

copyright 2009, Christine Peebles

Green Kids

I am laughing my pants off! It's one of those things I usually forget to blog about, but I just happened to be online this evening writing to our homestudy agency so here I am. Daniel is doing a 30 day Juice fast that he calls a "Juice Feast". He's gone out and purchased so much organic, pure juice that we don't know where to store it. That's not the funny part....We all ordered out for Central American cuisine tonight, but Daniel concocted a juice smoothie blended with cucumbers, spinach, kale, broccoli, apples and apple juice. When it was all blended together it looked like fluorescent green ooze. He held the pitcher up to the kids prior to blending and they all said "Wow, cool, look at all that!" I was amazed at their acceptance of so much green. After blending he presented the pitcher to them and I thought they'd surely gag. Instead, Andrew and Sky begged for a drink. This is more than I could do because I can't handle the deep, super green heavy taste of kale. Finally Daniel gave them cups of juice and Sky drank it down in one swig! Andrew sipped in ecstasy while Sky commented on how delicious it was. I sat shocked by how unusual our kids seem to be. Sky craves broccoli and spinach and gets super excited when he has it in dishes, and now he's loving this 'super drink'. Daniel commented on how it went straight to his head and gave him a buzz and the kids agreed. They became more zippy and lively so I don't doubt it. I don't know why, but I cannot help laughing (with pride) about my kids. They argue with their classmates about how good veggies and tofu are! I wish I had a picture of that smoothie Daniel made....I swear it would glow in the dark.

Anyway, on a more practical note we're preparing for our social worker's visit tomorrow. After that it's only a matter of days before our homestudy is completed. The ball keeps rolling along and we're getting closer and closer to our little girl every day :-) She'll surely get brainwashed into crazy veggie living as well...hee hee hee.