The Peebles Journey to Amelie

NEW BLOG

2009-09-23T13:40:00.003-05:00

Please visit our newly designed original family weblog for updates at www.fivegems.blogspot.com!

This adoption blog will eventually be transformed into Amelie's personal page.

Sprucing Up Old Territory

2009-09-21T14:25:00.003-05:00

We have plans to move our family blog back to its old location, but with an extreme makeover from Blogs For a Cause. Our old blog dates back to 2006 with so much of our family's history. This adoption blog will become a great archive for Amelie, and will become her own, personal weblog like her brothers have. I'll be working at cleaning out and building up the new/old blog, and will give a new link when it's ready, so bear with me!

Amelie Snippets

2009-09-21T14:05:00.003-05:00

These shots were taken this weekend. We all think she's such a sweetheart!

I was amazed last evening when I sat Amelie on the floor, and she just sat there unassisted for several minutes. That was a first! Normally she was falling to either side or forward. This made me think about her bed at Toukoul. What struck me as odd was how her mattress was raised at the head, at least 6 inches or more. It was like a long slant board. This would make for some very difficult sitting, and she would probably have a tendency to fall forward like she was. I'm guessing it was raised to help her with the congestion while she slept, but we'll never know for sure.

As for the bronchitis, she is breathing better and it seems to have moved more into her sinus area. She'll be getting rechecked for the old ear infection on Friday. She's still pulling at her left ear and has started getting really annoyed with teething. Despite that, it's not affecting her sleep. She continues to sleep ALL night from around 7:30pm-8:00am and has been power napping all of this afternoon. It's great for healing and growth and she's been doing a lot of both these days!

Blogs For a Cause

2009-09-20T16:42:00.004-05:00

We are having a blog makeover created by Blogs For a Cause. With the help of funds raised through this site, Nikki has traveled to the Dominican Republic, Haiti, and Ethiopia to do volunteer work. She has a passion for working with impoverished families and helping to improve their quality of life. I wanted to post a link to her website in case anyone else is interested in helping her out and getting an improved blog to boot!

Amelie Update

2009-09-19T16:20:00.005-05:00

This evening will mark exactly a week since we got home with Amelie, and she is doing so great. We took her to the doctor yesterday morning and they did x-rays on her chest because of the congestion that still lingers after two rounds of antibiotics. We're told the x-rays showed nothing significant, and the doc said she actually sounds worse than her lungs look. She has bronchitis. Instead of more antibiotics, she's taking a few days of prednisone (a steriod) to reduce the inflamation in her lungs, and we give her albuterol breathing treatments 3X a day. Her spirits are high and she's enormously joyful, eating and sleeping well. She's still sleeping through the night, approximately 12-14 hours each night, and takes two naps a day which total about 5 hours.

Amelie is a dream in so many ways! We've noticed that she's really warmed up to everyone in the family, and as a result she smiles a lot and we've seen a very goofy side of her come out. She likes to imitate what we do and shake her head back and forth after us...it gets her laughing up a storm. She also gets a big kick out of her two youngest brothers and their funny faces. Last night Sky had her rolling, which resulted in the whole family rolling!

We've worked hard at getting her to use her legs more. She sits in an ExerSaucer and a Jenny Jump Up several times a day, and I hold her and make her stand up using her legs for longer and longer periods. She gets very excited when she realizes what her legs can do! We raised the height of her Saucer and Jump Ups, so she has been jumping more wildly and with intensity these days. She is a crawler, too...when she rolled onto her tummy last night I placed a wooden spoon in front of her, just out of reach (she loves kitchen utencils). She reached for it and started pulling herself forward with her arms AND her legs! She literally crawled several inches and got the spoon! I was cheering wildly.

Amelie still loves to eat, and we have yet to find anything she dislikes. I'm going to introduce foods with slight texture to them (tiny chunks) so she can get used to more solids. Right now she needs everything to be smooth and creamy or she spits it out. Of course, it will be easier when she gets more teeth.

Her hair seems to have grown since we first met her, not to mention she's gained almost 1/2 pound already. She wears 3-6 moths clothing, and the 6-9 month clothes fit, but they're a little baggy. Her feet are Newborn size, so we've had a hard time finding shoes. Her hands and feet are both super tiny, while her head circumference is in the 'normal' range for her age. She has some healthy chub on her upper thighs, and the super bloated belly she had has gotten much smaller with the better nutrition. I get the feeling she will be a different baby in a month; we love watching her bloom in so many ways. Today we started putting her in gDiapers and it's been great just flushing her inserts down the toilet. No smell, no mess in the garbage, and best of all no plastic in the landfill.

Part III: Taking Amelie & Leaving Toukoul

2009-09-18T13:12:00.005-05:00

It was so tough leaving Amelie when she was congested, and then wondering at night how she was doing. Now I know we could have taken her from the orphanage whenever we wanted to. She was legally our child, so we could have taken her to the guest house and then 'officially' checked her out through paperwork on Wednesday. At the time, Aster (the magnetic and energetic woman who oversaw the families, the guesthouse, and the transition process) had a set schedule we were supposed to follow, and to us it insinuated we had to wait at least until the staff was there Monday. She was very commanding; a matriarch who seemed to have the process down to a "t". She greeted us warmly at least twice a day, checking on us to make sure all our needs were being met, and she gave us the sense that she was really there for us. Whatever the case with any 'check-out policy', we'd planned to let Amelie warm up to us on her turf at Toukoul. To continue visiting her and spending time with her in familiar surroundings felt like a good plan. We were very happy to be able to visit her that next day, a Sunday, because our agency told us we wouldn't be able to. So many contradictions, but we weren't complaining!

One of the days before visiting her again we hopped over to the National Museum where they had a rich collection on the history of Ethiopia. The tour guide was outstanding, and we learned so much. It was so interesting that I could have easily stayed all day. The guide kept sweetly telling us "Welcome home, welcome home to Ethiopia" because it's where the earliest humans have been found. He was so warm, sincere and welcoming, and it filled my heart with a strong sense of unity. It is such a significant place in human history. We saw a huge throne that belonged to a Rastafarian prince, along with Lucy's bones. Lucy dates back 3.2 million years and we actually got to see the bones in person...we didn't expect that. Ethiopia was once such a thriving country, and as the guide discussed this he noted how symbolic the deteriorating relics are when compared to the current downfall of the country. "Ethiopia is like that" as he pointed to a crumbling vase... he noted that the much older vases were not falling apart, and that the newer things just didn't hold together as well, much like the modern problems with the country. Sounds similar to present day American products, only many of ours only last a few months!

The museum, and the rides around Addis in heavy smog are pretty much all the sightseeing we did. There were masses of people who varied greatly from those in business suits to people wearing draped cloth while herding large numbers of goats. There was a festive feeling because of the upcoming New Years celebrations taking place September 10th and 11th. We didn't feel as stared at as we were in India, and when we were looked it we received smiles of acceptance. Originally, we planned to explore outside Addis and view a lush countryside that I've heard rivals Alaska, but we ended up having a very hard time breathing and decided to focus more on Amelie and taking care of ourselves. That second day we had a very good visit, and her rattling chest sounded significantly better. She was more alert and started babbling a lot. She smiled and interacted with us, and recognized us from the first visit. She chugged a whole 7 ounces of organic soy formula we brought her, and we got the sense she could have taken much more. She ended up falling asleep on Daniel and he was in Heaven, talking about the bonding he could feel happening. It was also the very first day we heard her cry, and it was music to my ears. We had her for several hours and it just happened to be porridge time. She was extremely hungry, so we let her go to have her usual afternoon feeding. The group went back to the guest house and we all started talking about when we'd take our babies for good.

Should we take her tomorrow, should we wait another day or two? Amelie seemed okay, and was really warming up to us. We decided to play it by ear each day. One couple decided to take their twins that Monday, but Daniel and I were unsure how we'd be with the extreme time change and our severe lack of sleep. We really believed we would lose a significant amount of sleep had we taken her sooner, and we were still severely jet lagged. Waking up at midnight, unable to sleep for hours. We had not slept well in several days and wanted to start out with Amelie in good shape. Little did we know we had an angel/Zen/Buddha baby on our hands that would have slept like a dream!

By the time Tuesday rolled around we'd visited Amelie every day for several hours. It was one day before we were to check her out for good and she seemed extremely comfortable with us, not to mention we were very well rested after finally succumbing to sleeping pills. So, we took her with us that evening and she shocked us by sleeping all night in unfamiliar surroundings. Over 12 hours to be exact, and we had to wake her up in the morning. Imagine that, waking a sleeping baby! During the day, she seemed most comfortable in her crib, and took several naps. She was extremely mellow, easygoing, and seemed to study every detail around her with great focus. Looking into her eyes, we knew some major wheels were turning. She rarely got noisy unless she became bored, and then she entertained herself with interesting vowels and consonants.

When we went back to Toukoul Wednesday, a nurse came around and spoke to each family individually about the child's history and present condition. We thought, "finally we can ask for antibiotics!" For days we'd been asking about them, demanding them, but getting no where. Her chest was slowly sounding better, though, and we noticed all the kids had bad chest colds going around. The nurse sat down and said "Aaah, Sosena! She is known as our 'Black Diamond'." Daniel and I were so touched because she had such a reverence for Amelie and her dark color. She touched her face and gave her an affectionate kiss on the cheek. Daniel thanked her for telling us that, and told her it made him want to cry. Really, I could feel tears in my eyes. She went on to explain "Sosena is such good baby, and very smart, too." She mentioned her chest congestion, and said she'd been taking antibiotics and cough syrup. She left to get the bottles for us to take. When she brought them back they were new bottles, never opened and we still wonder if she was on them, or if she started taking them that day when we gave them to her.

Toukoul orphanage gave us a hand embroidered bag with her medical history and a beautiful traditional dress inside. They also gave us a tour of where Amelie spent her time eating and sleeping. The grounds were a mixture of gritty, dust covered asphalt with a few buildings and a garden area. Children's laundry hung everywhere- on trees, lines, playground equipment, anywhere they could hang it, there it was. We could hear the constant sound of older kids playing outside, some wearing only one shoe playing with a tattered soccer ball (it really didn't even look like a ball any more but they didn't care), and children were often singing songs. At one point I walked across a deck where toddlers were looking out of an all glass room. They clamored to the windows in a frenzy, almost as if they were anxious to get out or have the stimulation of seeing a new person. They were all so beautiful and bright-eyed. Daniel gazed at one child's almond eyes and decided he needed to get away before he got any ideas of wanting to take another one home! He spoke of that child's eyes a while, and I kept making him change the subject... Amelie is #5 and finished, not #5 and counting!

Every time we pulled into Toukoul there were kids happily greeting us at the gate. They waved, smiled, and I will never forget one young boy blowing us kisses. I looked at all of them and saw Amelie. I thought about her fate versus theirs, and I wondered how hard it must be for them to see us coming for little babies. I think of our Prasad and how many times he had to endure seeing babies leave, and it was never, ever his turn to go for almost 7 years. He watched people nurture those babies, holding and loving them in a way that he so desperately craved. It was no wonder he was waiting angrily at home, dreading the prospect of having a baby in the house. The resentment and pain are deep. I saw Prasad in all those boys, and knew that no matter how much love and kisses they blew our way, they felt left out. One boy sneaked into the family room area where we all sat and gave Daniel a zillion high-fives until they were both all giggles. It had to be a high point of his day, his month, or his year until a caregiver came in and scolded him. Those kids are etched in our hearts and minds.

Anyway, the room where Amelie stayed was on the very top floor of a 4 story building. It wasn't as clean and well maintained as Prasad's orphanage in India, but there was a vibration of love that filled the air. They really nurtured each and every baby, holding them while they were fed, kissing their cheeks and hands often, playing and interacting. The babies are given a great deal of human contact, which explained Amelie's strong and prolonged eye contact. Her bed was at the end of a very long row of beds that filled the entire wall. Three walls had cribs all around them with a mattress in the center of the floor where the babies laid and played. It didn't have the sour smell of giardia I remembered from Prasad's orphanage. They kept the babies very clean. Seeing her empty bed there was eerie, but in a bittersweet way. I imagined all the times she laid there, needing her family when she cried. I also rejoiced in seeing it empty, knowing she'd never lay in it again. When it was time to leave for that day, it was an amazing feeling knowing we would never return, and that her days at the orphanage were completely over. A new chapter in her life was just beginning.

Next- the Ethiopian New Year, and my food conundrum

Part II: Meeting Amelie/Sosena at Toukoul

2009-09-16T10:36:00.008-05:00

The day we arrived in Addis, Saturday September 5th, was the day we were set to meet Amelie for the first time. We were completely sleep deprived and disoriented from the long flight we arrived on at 10am, but something kept us going at full capacity. It was the same when we landed in Mumbai on January 5th, 2007 and we were meeting Prasad that same day. Something kicks in, maybe adrenal glands, God's grace, maternal love, super-powers or all of the above.

We settled into our cramped little room, laid down for a short time and waited for the moment our driver would come by and drive us with three other families out to the Toukoul orphanage. I couldn't sleep. I think we were set to leave around 2:00pm, so we went down for a quick lunch. The dining area was down the stairs, through a long patio, through a few more rooms and across another patio. It was an interesting layout that utilized a lot of outdoor space. Ethiopia is tropical, but not hot. Addis sits at a very high elevation, so the air was so thin that we needed to be drinking water constantly or we got light headed. There were lush plants and trees all around us, and we could hear birds chirping every day. The dining room was warm and intimate, much like a B&B. There was always a young woman standing at the doorway in a small apron greeting us. She was very much at our service. We quickly realized the staff was there to meet our every single need, and they were so gracious, warm and humble with twinkling eyes and bright smiles.

I'm vegetarian, and it's always an issue when we travel. It's not a moral or spiritual thing for me, it's just that I cannot stand the feel and texture of flesh in my mouth. I've been that way since childhood. In India it was accepted (almost expected), so I felt very at home with the restaurants and menus. At the guest house they had an Italian trained Ethiopian chef who had also worked in Germany and I'd heard about how great he was from other families. I was told he'd prepare veg meals if necessary. I remember sitting down and being offered a sourdough type of bread at every meal, and that day there was no vegetarian option other than some light pasta with the bread, and salad. We stayed away from the vegetables as much as possible because we weren't supposed to eat anything that could have been washed in the water, so the tempting salad was off limits. This left my options low, but I didn't know how low at that point.

We all boarded the large van shortly after lunch and went for a more extensive ride through Addis before getting to the orphanage. It's a busy city, but the cars seem to stay in alignment with each other, and followed a certain order. We didn't see the mad swerving back and forth, in and out we experienced in India, so we relaxed a bit and took in all the sights. Everything began feeling surreal at that point because we were literally on our last leg of travel before we'd lay eyes on our daughter. We were really going to see, smell and hold her and the reality of that was too much to take in. As I stared out at the pedestrians they seemed to be walking in slow motion, and the shacks, slums, shops, all the goat herds that passed by seemed to be part of a set or backdrop that wasn't real. I was acutely aware of the moment, and time was standing still despite all the commotion. I could feel my heart beating, but it was slow, my breathing slow and my heart felt larger than the earth itself. Before I knew it we were winding down small dirt roads with potholes of mud bouncing our van around. The streets aren't marked and I recall wondering how our driver could maneuver around such a maze when each road looked alike.

We passed a sign reading "Le Toukoul" on the corner and ahead was the large blue privacy gate I'd seen in so many videos. I don't remember much after that, except standing outside the van taking pictures of everything I saw. The buildings, vines, flowers, the older children playing. I wanted to record everything about this day. I don't know how long it took for them to finally bring Amelie to us, but there was a building with a window and I could see a long hallway inside. There were women walking down the hall with babies in their arms, and Daniel got very excited saying "Oh I think she's there Christine!" It's all so foggy in my brain because it was such an intense moment. They started walking babies outside, one by one. I think the first two were Rebecca's babies, then a couple of twin girls, and then there was our Sosena.

She was bundled up in a thick acrylic sweater with a hoodie. Her dark skin contrasted heavily against the white fabric, while her bright eyes glistened. I had Daniel take a picture of her in the caregiver's arms, and then she was handed over to me. My whole body warmed up and it was a moment of completion. I can't describe it any other way because words are so limiting. She completes our family, and somehow there was a comfort that filled me. I couldn't stop touching her very soft, woolen hair. She was a dark beauty and I had a hard time believing that I had the honor of being her mother. She had such serious, focused and penetrating eyes. I felt like she knew some secrets about the universe that I was not yet evolved enough to understand.

We took her inside to a family room type of area with two other families and their babies. Daniel was holding her and we noticed she had a second sweater under the white one, along with two shirts under that. She was starting to perspire, so we removed the top sweater. Her breathing wasn't good. There was a loud rattling in her chest and we were concerned. Despite that, she smiled easily and seemed very peaceful. We could tell that she was accustomed to getting kisses and being talked to so we knew she'd gotten a lot of love. She was a very happy and secure child for an orphan. I looked over her body for scabies, lice, anything that may be a nightmare. She looked great. Her belly was bloated, but we later learned from the nurse that all the babies had that due to the very early stage of malnutrition. She was getting a bare minimum of formula 2X/day with two servings of porridge (potatoes). She consumes about 5 bottles a day at home with 2 meals, so it's hard to imagine how hungry she must've felt.

Her legs were limp like a rag doll. My stomach dropped when I noticed this. I kept trying to get her to stand up, but her legs just hung there like an old Raggedy Ann doll. My first thought was cerebral palsy, so my heart was racing. After several minutes of holding her I noticed she kicked with her legs and pushed off of me with her legs, so my worries subsided...she was using her legs, thank God. I started thinking about something I'd heard about called "crib syndrome" or something like that where babies are left too long in bed and they become lifeless and undertoned. My sense was that she hadn't been held enough upright so that she could use her legs, and that she was suffering from some dehydration. We tried giving her Pedialyte during that visit, but she was startled by the taste so we stuck a Pedialyte strip inside her mouth.

We stayed a few hours and then we had to leave because they closed at 5:00-5:30pm. The time flew by. We had a second visit planned for the next day and we couldn't wait to see her again. Little did I know I would be lying awake that evening seeing her tiny face, hearing her labored breathing and feeling her tiny body in my arms. It was so hard to say goodbye, but we couldn't check her out of the orphanage on a weekend because the office staff wasn't there. I think I was with her in other ways.... ways that transcend the physical form.

Next- More on visits, More on Addis and the people

The Adjustment

2009-09-16T09:28:00.006-05:00

Each child is adjusting and adapting very well to a new baby in the family, but each one is dealing with it differently.

Sorin: She has been so head over heels in love with Amelie that she has asked to be her mommy! When she wakes up in the mornings she always asks how Amelie is, where she is, etc. When she holds her it is with a gentle level of deep nurturing I have never seen in her. She told Daniel last evening that she adores Amelie more than anything in this world. She showers her baby sister with love constantly, and I have had to make sure Amelie knows who her mommy is by stepping in and making sure I do most or all of the feeding and care giving. We don't want a confused attachment.

Liam: Liam is adorable. He is all accepting, and has always been one to go with the flow and accept changes well. As long as his routine is in tact, anything else happening is fine with him. I noticed at first he would just walk up and stare at Amelie with curiosity. Today when I walked into his room and he saw Amelie in my arms he waved at her and smiled! He never waves at family members in the house, so it was very special....his way of saying "Hello, Amelie!"

Prasad: With Prasad it's a bit more complicated than it is with our other children. Prasad was the "latest" addition to our family, the newest member. Now he isn't. And seeing a baby every day getting babied and loved the way she does makes him sad for himself and the nurturing he thinks he didn't receive as an infant. He has stated that he wishes he could be a baby and get carried around and loved like that. We have been proud of his honesty and openness about his feelings, and we value them. We reassure him that he is our baby, no matter how old he gets, and that he is loved every bit as much as Amelie. Today was the first day in which he didn't feel shy with Amelie, and he started playing with her. She lights up at his antics because he's so animated and goofy. She's fascinated by him and he is so touched by that. He was SO PROUD of her in is classroom today, so he's starting to accept the change well.

Sky: What can I say? Sky is a "Baby Lovin' Fool" and therefore has become a serious Amelie FANATIC. He laughs at everything she does, enjoys watching me dress her, always comments on her outfits and how cute she is, wants to hold her, and seems completely obsessed with her every move. When I babysat Cecilia I used to wonder if his baby fascination would be the same if it were a family member who he sees 24/7. Well, he's completely smitten with Amelie and can't seem to get enough. He isn't going through the serious issues we see with Prasad because Sky has already experienced the addition of a child. He isn't feeling replaced or lost about what his role in our family is. Instead he feels a great deal of responsibility now. I overheard him telling Prasad "We have a VERY important job with Amelie. We will be teaching her so many things in life, and she will look up to us. It is a big responsibility to live up to, Prasad." Our little Mayan Shaman is so right.

Short Update

2009-09-16T08:58:00.003-05:00

Amelie got all dressed up for her debut at the elementary school this morning. Sky and Prasad were both begging me to bring her the last two days, so I walked them to school this morning with Amelie in my new, back saving Ergo carrier. She loves being carried around, tummy to tummy and stares at my face almost the whole time. The outdoors calms her so much that we've noticed she can sit outside for hours, just observing everything. Prasad has started calling her his "Observer" (he actually says 'osurbur' and it's cute) and keeps telling everyone how she likes to study everything. We'd all give anything to get inside her head and know what she's thinking because she gets so focused!

Last night she sat at the table and had dinner with Daddy and I, and she is still such a voracious eater. She's been wolfing down the porridge that Prasad and I prepared almost 2 months ago and we have yet to find anything she dislikes. As long as it's pureed enough she will eat it. She has two tiny bottom teeth that just emerged, so she's not able to chew textured foods yet. She constantly has two fingers in her mouth due to teething and a need to self-soothe. One of the first things we noticed about her is that she is a master at self-soothing...any time she gets upset or irritable she cries for a short burst and then sticks her fingers in her mouth with a calm sigh of relief. Her fingers seem to be her best friend, and I'm sure they helped her through some rough times at the orphanage.

We learned in Ethiopia that Amelie had excellent receptive language skills. She understood people in Amharic quite well, and was very responsive to them. People would comment on how much she seemed to understand, and how bright she was. Of course, now she seems almost oblivious to what we're saying but it's good to know that skill is there in her brain and she will probably regain it very fast. At the school today, teachers noticed how acutely aware she is of everything around her. I am so grateful for all these abilities and I find myself constantly trying to imagine a time when we'll be having endless conversations with her.

Meanwhile, she has continued to sleep through the night since the day we took her from Toukoul. She sleeps anywhere from 11-12 uninterrupted hours per night, and takes at least 3 naps a day. When we lay her in the crib she doesn't get upset at all, and always soothes herself to sleep. She seems extremely content in bed. She rarely cries unless there is something serious happening like hunger, fatigue or when Mommy gets her leg twisted in the Ergo, poor girl! Strangely, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop but it just isn't happening (yet). She is an amazing baby, a Buddha Baby, and I feel so blessed to have such a light transition from 4 to 5 children. The universe has been very kind to us this time around.

Part I: The Trip To Addis

2009-09-15T09:47:00.009-05:00

Meeting my sister, Stephanie, at the Chicago O'Hare airport to drop off Sky 9/3/09

Me getting some sun at the Toukoul guest house

The flight to Addis was uneventful with few delays. It was LONG, a couple hours up to Chicago so we could drop off Sky with my sister, a layover, then a couple hours to Washington DC, and another layover with a short delay until finally we got on our 16 hour flight to Addis. We stopped in Rome for refueling and I didn't realize that meant stopping for a full hour or more. It marked the half way point in our minds, but we were agonizing to get off the plane at that point. The hour felt like forever. We'd flown longer to Mumbai, India 2 1/2 years earlier (21 hours), but it's funny how the mind completely forgets the suffering of international travel. Overall it was about 30 hours of travel time, so when we arrived in Addis around 10:00am we didn't even know what day it was and were suffering from delirium. NO SLEEP on the plane. I think I fell asleep for a total of 20 minutes because I just cannot sleep sitting upright. Anyway, we left on September 3rd and when we arrived it was September 5th.

The airport was smaller than anticipated, and much cleaner than I'd imagined for a third world country. It was easy to find where to go, and there was a simplicity to the airport that took the usual fear and uncertainty out of the equation. When we landed in Mumbai, India it was a huge airport with masses and masses of people, grime everywhere and a grittiness that hummed through our bones, not to mention the sour smell of a bad sewer system, and indecribable public restrooms (I won't go there). Addis was surprisingly nice, even their bathrooms, and on the outside looked strangely space-age modern with all glass and metal construction. It had a lot of natural lighting. The air was filled with the smell of petro fumes and I knew it would only get worse once we got in the car.

We were able to stay with three other American families at the Toukoul guest house, and we met up with them at the airport. This gave us a sense of security we didn't have with our other adoptions in country. We all rode from the airport to the guest house together and spent days getting to know one another during meal times and outings. I'm not AT ALL a socializer by nature, and I have never spent so much time in conversation before, but it was very good for me. I never really tired of the interaction and it must have been because I was so grateful to share the experience with others who were going through the very same exciting but stressful, new experiences. There was the Waits family from Colorado who met their beautiful twin girls, then Gary and his 17 year old daughter, Morgan from Ottawa, Kansas who adopted a baby girl along with a boy who has Downs syndrome, and then there was the single mom, Rebecca from Seattle who really touched our hearts with her determination. She adopted two infant girls and traveled alone. The work she went through to take care of, and get those girls home ALL BY HERSELF showed the power of a mother's love. Her girls are amazing and we're hoping she made it home without too much trouble on her flights.

The drive from the airport to the guest house wasn't long, so we got a brief look at the city. It was sunny, around 70 degrees. Perfect weather. There are zillions of blue taxis and buses, along with small merchants and shops beside the road next to shanty corrugated metal buildings that remind me of something my son, Sky, would enjoy building with his Legos. There are modern structures and sometimes very nice homes next to what I'd call slum houses. This disparity between wealth and poverty is present in all third world countries, but Addis wasn't what I'd call terrible. Compared to what we saw and experienced in India it was mild. I found myself looking for the little rickshaw cars, the mangy and tattered clothing, religious symbols, the festively painted cars, dogs sleeping at the center of the roads, people lying in them, cows blocking them, the heavy traffic, and maimed beggars banging against the car at every turn, but it just wasn't like that. Addis, for us, was quite civilized with orderly traffic and a reasonably clean feel. The air was thick with smog, and the beggars who did come to the car windows were very happy to receive protein bars and food donations. The beggars in India wouldn't accept food and always demanded rupees (and were far worse off looking). They were often small children. My heart had already been torn to shreds seeing the severity of India's poverty, so I was better able to handle it this time around.

I think it's important to take it in, no matter how difficult it is to look at. To look poverty right in the face and see it as a reality cultivates a deeper compassion for mankind. I get upset when I hear people say things like "Oh, I just can't stand seeing the poverty and how people suffer, so I don't think I want to go back." That is not compassion. It helps no one to turn a blind eye. I know someone who really disliked the film "Slumdog Millionaire" for the same reason, but I think people are missing the core message when they view things purely on what they see with their human eyes. Poverty, scum and suffering bring us to a different level of consciousness if we're open to it. As Americans, we have grown so accustomed to physical comfort and wealth that we often don't want to know what exists on the other side of the world, and how most of the world has to live. For me, I have grown to appreciate every small bit of physical comfort we have. But physical comforts are not the only wealth in the world... in both India and Ethiopia I experienced a wealth that we don't have here. Both spiritual and psychological, and they have an authenticity we're severely lacking. That could be a whole post in itself, so I won't even go there. Let's just say we have a poverty of our own. One could say that the whole world is a mirror, and when we see something that makes us uncomfortable we need to ask ourselves "What is it in us that is lacking, or ugly or impoverished that we do not want to look at?" There are some beautiful lessons to be had when we leave our comfort zone.

After arriving at the guest house we had to notify our attorney that we arrived before venturing out to the orphanage. Our agency director had informed us several times that we'd definitely meet with the lawyer that day (Saturday), but the lawyer said "No, no, Saturday and Sunday are my days off. We meet Monday." This became a theme throughout the trip- being told one thing by someone and finding out something completely different by someone else. The communication barrier was huge, and we found ourselves lost and frustrated when trying to convey things, set schedules with staff, make requests, etc. It was comical, really. We laughed about it a lot. We also laughed about our TINY room. I think it was about 10' X 12' with two cribs and a full size bed squeezed in. No walking room! The other three families had large suites, but they all had 2 children so we didn't complain. We spent a great deal of time walking around the grounds, enjoying the patio and trees, and walking the quiet streets. The staff at the guest house was EXTEMELY warm and hospitable, and they went overboard trying to meet our every need. I recall at one point being told by the staff that Amelie was a very lucky baby because she was going to live in a country "with many comforts." I told them, "No, no, America is VERY lucky to be getting a beautiful Ethiopian girl like Amelie!" I was looked at with amazement. Their idea that we're so used to our 'comforts' gets them trying very hard to make sure that we are comfortable.

The guest house is affiliated with the orphanage, which made things pretty easy when it came to planning visits. We were encouraged by our agency to stay there, and had heard horror stories about families who hadn't stayed there. After arriving we realized that we could've saved a lot of money had we stayed at the Hilton, but we just didn't want any kinks during our stay. I'd heard about families having trouble with the lawyer and not being allowed to check their children out of Toukoul because they stayed elsewhere. Sounds very unfair, but no thanks. We avoided that one and had a flawless process, so we didn't mind spending the extra money. Sure, I would've liked a bigger room, different food, our own driver, etc. but overall it was a great place to stay with an amazing staff of loving people we will never forget.

Next, the orphanage and meeting Amelie/Sosena...

Amelie at Home

2009-09-14T09:18:00.002-05:00

I'm having trouble getting started on a post because I don't know where to begin, so I'll start by talking about what's happening RIGHT NOW, and do another post later about how the trip went. For now, Amelie continues to do great and she feels like such a natural part of our family. Thinking back to the days we didn't have her here gives me an odd and empty feeling. She is deeply secure about the world, so she has a calm and trusting way about her. This speaks volumes for her care and treatment at Toukoul. In Ethiopia they view children as great gems and value them so highly...they really walk their talk in that regard. Everywhere we went she was showered in love, smiles and kisses, and we could see she was accustomed to this treatment. She has always felt loved and adored, and that will be with her for a lifetime. She has a deeply inquisitive and serious side, almost as if she is doing calculus in her head, or pondering the origins of the universe. She studies everything so closely, and doesn't have that typical "google-eyed" look we see so often in babies. She has a very wise, old soul. This was so apparent to me when we first met her that I was somewhat intimadated by it...it REALLY feels like she knows more than I do on some level. It's hard to describe.

Her favorite toys are her plastic links and a Dachsund rattle from Cecilia's mother. She likes to take the links and bang them on the table, listening to all the noise she can make and then yelling about it in an excited way. She babbles often, and says "Da-da, Ma-ma, Ba-ba" along with making funny spit noises that the boys laugh about. She is extremely social and interactive, reaches for almost everything, and loves to examine the details on my hands. She reaches for our faces and touches them, and her favorite game is tug-of-war with yarn or fabrics (it always gets her laughing up a storm). Speaking of fabrics, she is very interested in textures and loves blankets. She falls asleep with her right index and middle fingers in her mouth, while her left hand pulls a soft blanket up to her cheek. I think she will be one of those toddlers with a blanket fettish!

Amelie is more like a 5-6 month old developmentally. She can sit up on her own for short periods, roll from back to tummy and tummy to back, and scoots backwards on her tummy. She isn't crawling and her legs are under toned from lying in a crib for so long. I was very concerned when we first met her because her legs just hung like a rag doll, but she is using them a lot now (kicking and pushing), so we'll be getting her a lot of things to help build strength. We got an Exersaucer yesterday that we're still struggling to put together, and we plan to get a bouncy type of seat to give her legs a workout.

Interestingly, when we met her the first three days at Toukoul she seemed somewhat lethargic and just too quiet. Since taking her she has started to blossom. At the airport in Washington DC she started squealing, talking, interacting more and bouncing up and down with her legs. I was shocked, but I think it helped her to get out of the Addis pollution and very high altitude. She was lacking oxygen already due to a chest and sinus infection, and the airplane and airport air (if you can believe it) were therapeutic. Not to mention the 24/7 stimulation and nutrition she was getting from us. She swigs down bottle after bottle of formula and never spits up...quite an eater.

Today she is recovering. The sinus, ear and chest infections have zapped her energy. We switched antibiotics when we got home, so we're hoping to see it all clear up in a few days, but we're thinking when it's all over she will be a different girl. She has always slept through the night, but we don't know if this is due to her illness or not. For a baby that feels so terrible she has been such a calm trooper...we look so forward to getting to know her more!

We're Back!!!

2009-09-13T12:39:00.005-05:00

Amelie meets Aunt Stephanie, cousin Zoe, and her brother Sky at at the O'Hare airport after we landed from Washington Dulles & Addis

Daniel and I at O'Hare airport with Amelie, Sky and my niece Zoe (we still had 1 more flight left and were zonked!)

It was a beautiful trip and Amelie is a DREAM!!! We'll be posting pics and details soon. We all got home around 10:30 last night and are pretty wiped out. Our travel was over 31 hours with ZERO sleep. What a journey, and soooo worth every minute. When I walked inside our house last night and looked at our whole family together I couldn't stop thinking about what a beautiful and absolutely amazing family we have. I am so blessed.

A post is coming soon, but seriously I have a hard time just finding the strength to type these days. Lots of rest is needed and Amelie has been sleeping through every night we've had her, so I'm sure we'll be rested up soon.

Taking Off!

2009-09-02T10:02:00.003-05:00

We're leaving the house tomorrow morning at 7:30am! A sitter will be here, Julie, who will stay with Prasad until school starts. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like being separated from him for 10 days. He's doing well, hanging in there and is trying so hard to stay positive. He keeps talking about "the adventure" he's going to have with his three babysitters and Grammy Lin. I told him to please keep the house in order, take care of the pets, and help out whenever the sitters need it. He loves feeling as if we left some responsibility in his hands.

Daniel worked 1/2 day yesterday and has today off (he's fielding calls at home). We're scurrying around finishing up last minute details- banking, sitter notes, packing for Liam's 2 visits to his dad's, packing for Sky, etc. Not to mention the last 2 loads of laundry I'm doing so we can come home to drawers full of clean undies!

We'll be attempting to e-mail and phone if/when possible, but communication from Addis is tricky unless we want to spend an arm and a leg.

We heard from another visiting family who met Amelie recently, and we were told:

message 1)
"Amelie is PERFECT! She was happy and well cared for. When she went to get her passport I was there and she did not like having her picture taken."

message 2)
"She looks about the same size as our babies. Ours are 12 and 14lbs, they fit in 3-6 month clothing. The 6 month clothing is a little large on them. I don't know about the hair because they keep them so covered all the time but I do know she had much more than ours. She is truly gorgeous you are so lucky! She seemed happy and well loved. She took the pictures several times [for the passport] but was never fussy. Each chlid had a nanny. They all came over on a big bus together not one child was crying! It was amazing."

This information was so precious, considering we haven't received an update or photos for over two months. It brought huge smiles to our faces. Thanks so much to Ms. Tracy Lowery who recognized her in the orphanage and gave Amelie a kiss on the cheek for us! It means more than we can say. Amelie seems so real in our minds now, not just our hearts. It's starting to feel like she's here with us already. We're ALMOST THERE! Our next post will be filled with pictures of Amelie!

Soooo Close!

2009-08-29T12:27:00.005-05:00

OH MY DEAR LORD... we are leaving in less than 5 days and we will have already held Amelie this time a week from now!!! With the day half over, we basically have 3 1/2 days left to get ready. This weekend is being spent packing (finishing up, it's mostly done), checking off our to-do list and adding to it whenever we realize we've forgotten something. There are so many little things to remember.

On another note, we finally found a loving home for our large Devon Rex kitty who keeps urinating on our laundry and other things in the basement. I really felt like it would be too much to manage after Amelie is home. He's a sweetheart, we've had him a year (after leaving my Mom's for the same reason). He'll be leaving for a new home in the Ozarks at 2:00 today, living with a breeder who loves and appreciates him. I just hope he's a good boy in the potty department! All we know is that it's the next chapter in his colorful life. He's a huge Devon Rex (over 15 lbs.) and we'll miss seeing him wobble down the stairs and blob around the house. Feels like we're clearing out and making way for our Amelie who will be here, in this house in exactly 2 weeks!!!

Special Delivery

2009-08-29T12:03:00.003-05:00

We were so happy to receive a surprise care package for Miss Amelie this morning! It's from Sheree Downs, who happens to be my old babysitter from childhood. We recently got back in contact and it's been wonderful. She babysat my sister and I for so many years, sometimes twice a week since early childhood, until I was about 12 years old. She's an avid coupon clipper and sent us 40-50 coupons for FREE baby food! She was also thoughtful enough to include my favorite dark chocolate truffles, mmmmm. Thanks so much for thinking of us, Sheree!

Note: As you can see our cat, Zeke, appreciated the box...purring and rubbing all over it. He's been doing the same to our luggage these days.

The Jumping Off Point

2009-08-27T12:07:00.005-05:00

Feeling a bit out of the loop lately. We had Parent Orientation at the elementary school and Liam's IEP meeting this week, and I still don't know how I did it. I haven't kept up with the news, my blog, other blogs or even my own life these days. In exactly 1 week we'll be sitting on an airplane taking Sky up to Chicago so he can stay with my sister and her family! I think Sky will have a blast on the airplane because he's completely fascinated by every type of transportation imaginable. He's been claiming the window seat endlessly!

We'll be saying our goodbyes at O'Hare airport and we're a little nervous about the unknown there. Will Sky greet Aunt Stephanie with a smile and controlled emotions, or will he be a blubbering ball of sadness and raw, gutteral moans? There is no real way to prepare him for this, and like all things with travel, we'll play it by ear. If the latter happens, we may resort to something tasty in my purse. Food does magic for him. It's how he became potty trained at age 3. Oh, the promise of those Chips-Ahoy cookies for every flush, and how quickly he got it when he knew food was involved. Works every time for our future connoisseur!

I'm looking so forward to the whole experience. I'll admit it- I feel childish, but I'm giddy. I feel like a kid about to go to a theme park or something. As if Christmas is right around the corner. My child, I will finally get to hold the baby girl I've been holding in my dreams! How can one not be giddy? On top of that, there's the night we'll have in D.C. together, ALONE, in peace and quiet and the whole entire adventure in a new land.

I have always been an adventurer, since childhood. At age 4 when we lived in Crete, Greece I have memories of exploring several blocks on the dirt streets. Exploring buildings, meeting kids from all over the area and driving my parents mad with worry. I'd walk to the bus stop there and watch people get onto the bus, wishing I could go, too. When I was about nine, living in American suburbia, I recall discovering and exploring the woods across the street and how completely excited I was about it. I spent hours there, sometimes until I reached pure exhaustion. I haven't lost that spirit, so this trip is feeding that ever-curious little girl in me. I can't wait to see Ethiopia, it's people, the diversity of religions and the tolerance people speak of between Muslims, Orthodox Christians and Jews. I look forward to all the unfamiliar sights, smells and sounds of my daughters homeland. Those things are gifts we take with us, and when we come back home we are changed forever. I love change, have always embraced it, so maybe that's part of why I love travel so much.

So I'm basically on the edge of my seat here, almost everything is done. We have so little left to do that if we had to leave today, we could. It's a strange place to be, like standing at a 'jumping off' point. The true jump off point is going to be the start of our lives when we return home. That type of travel is the most real and valuable of all; the journey of our lives and the exploration of our selves. I have a feeling Miss Amelie will be taking us to some new and beautiful places.

From Virginia to Amelie

2009-08-25T08:19:00.005-05:00

It occured to me this morning that I've never mentioned Virginia in our blog. Coincidently, she is the little imaginary baby that was growing in my tummy over a year ago. I'd say since the Spring-Summer period of 2008. I was joking about my belly and how "baby Virginia" was growing inside my tummy. We had no intention of adopting another child, much less having a homegrown one in my belly. For some reason I kept feeling like there was a pregnancy of sorts going on. Daniel and I just laughed it off.

I remember analyzing the whole thing, thinking it must be symbolic of something I was 'birthing' in my personal life- creativity, new ideas, personal growth, etc. Not a literal child. Nonetheless, I had a lot of fun those months teasing my children by pushing my belly out (especially after large meals) saying "Oh my, sweet little Virginia is growing. Oh wait, I just felt her kicking. Come here Sky, feel it!" Sky and Prasad would laugh, go along, but it was all in fun and humor. We started talking about this baby girl entity as if she was a part of the family, and Sky would walk by asking "Hey Mommy, how is Virginia doing today?!" Don't ask me where the silly name came from....it sounded funny to us, calling a new baby what we thought sounded like an old lady's name. Talk of her increased and I remember it bordered on strange.

It didn't take long for this "Virginia" idea to catch on, creating an opening for the possibility of another child. Or was it the other way around? Did I start out doing it because intuitively I felt a child calling to me? It's eerie to realize that at the very same time a virtual baby girl was inside my tummy, Amelie was inside her birth mother's tummy. She was really growing and kicking at that time, about to begin her journey to us. And right at the very time she was born, Daniel and I solidified our decision to really bring a baby girl into our family. My virtual pregnancy with Virginia ended, and she became a real child, somewhere, and we had to find her. We will always laugh while telling Amelie this story and how she basically started out being called "Virginia." We've no doubt she will be grateful that we changed her name!

Small Family Snippets

2009-08-24T10:54:00.005-05:00

Snippets seem to be all I have time for these days:

-Prasad is still going by Prasad, and he proclaimed at the breakfast table this morning "I will go by Prasad for the rest of my life, forever and ever." We are still all so proud of how far he's come.

-Prasad ran downstairs on Saturday morning, cheering about how he read the book "All I See Is A Part Of Me" all by himself. It was a more complicated book than his usual Dr. Seuss books, so he was immensely prideful. He sat on the sofa saying "I am such a great reader. Oh how I love myself so much!" These comments are miraculous. He is really becoming an avid reader... he's still dying to read every book on our shelves.

-Speaking of books, Liam loves thumbing through our bookshelves and we took these pictures yesterday morning while he browsed.

-Sorin was eating breakfast this morning and screamed loudly, startling all of us. I ran into the room, "What's wrong, Sorin?!" She seemed panicky "Oh noooo! I just swallowed a Cheerio whole!" She was seriously concerned and we had to explain that we didn't need to call an ambulance. We all laughed together afterward. Hysterical.

-Daniel and I finished grouting the basement floor Saturday, and Daniel painstakingly scrubbed all the tiles clean on Sunday. It looks great, and feels wonderful to know our basement floors are done for Amelie. We'll take pics after all the furniture gets moved back into the breezeway.

-Sky starts Chess Club today, and Prasad will resume his classical Indian singing class this Saturday after a long Summer break. Things are slowly getting back to 'normal' since school started up, and we're about to shake things up in JUST 10 DAYS! I guess we can say goodbye to life as usual in the Peebles household! Miss Amelie is sooooo close.

What Is In A Name?

2009-08-21T09:37:00.003-05:00

I wondered how serious he was, and how long he would carry this request. Andrew Prasad asked us to start calling him Prasad again, and he was quite serious. In the past he has requested this off and on and then changed his mind within minutes. This time it's sticking because Thursday he announced his decision to his entire class. He brought an "All About Me" bag to school and shared anything and everything with the students about his past, India, his birthplace Nagpur, the 7 years he lived in Mumbai and his love of Indian music, clothing, food, etc. I'm told the students were mesmerized, curious and very excited to see Andrew/Prasad in this new and prideful way.

When he first came home we called him Prasad, and we had every intention of doing so. His legal name is Andrew Prasad Peebles, but we always planned to call him by his middle, Indian name. I always loved that name. It's the Hindi/Sanskrit word used for offerings placed on an altar. Those offerings become infused with the Divine, and are then taken or ingested much like bread and wine in Christianity. Prasad means blessing, blessed, and infused with God.

So, how did we make the switch to calling him Andrew? I will never forget it. He'd only been home a month or two. I was driving with him in the back seat. He fell into a solemn and serious mood and asked, "What is my first name?" I told him it was Andrew. He asked "Who gave me that name, Mom?" I told him we gave him the name Andrew. He sat silently for about a minute, then said "I want you to start calling me Andrew." I asked him why and he said "Because that name comes from you, you gave me that name and I love you." Since the moment he came home he'd been going through a phase of rejecting all things Indian. He completely refused to speak an ounce of Marathi or Hindi (he was fluent in both) and he didn't want anything to do with India. However, he continued to love Indian food, music, clothing and religious practices. He was the most reverent and devotional child, falling to the floor in front of our altar, his forehead upon the floor, calling our guru "Ganapati." Ganapati is the elephant deity they prayed to in Mumbai, and we could see it brought him a great deal of comfort. To this day he still calls our guru Ganapati, and has said he thinks they are one and the same. Very personal story, but Ganapati is the Remover of Obstacles. Prasad is right because we strongly believe our guru brought us to him. The adoption was just 5 months from start to finish (unheard of in India) and we met him on our guru's birthday. Remover of Obstacles indeed.

He retained a lot of the things that comforted him for 7 years, the food and religion, but had a very difficult time with everything else Indian, including his name. He endured years of abuse (verbal and physical), along with unspeakable torture. He was told repeatedly that he was worthless, trash, that no one would ever love or care for him, and that he'd go to jail. When he finally had a family they told him we would beat him. He came home feeling like nothing...worth nothing. His self-esteem was so low that we couldn't see the bottom. It was an endless pit of self-loathing, pain, anger and misery. Despite this, he clung to me, had outstanding eye contact and deeply trusted me from day one. We had a connection that cannot be put into words... ancient and more real than anything of this world. No matter how many times he fell down I kept encouraging him to get up and move on. No matter how much he hated himself, I kept loving him and giving him the acceptance he needed. He'd never known acceptance.

He's been home 2 years and 7 months now, has gone through two therapists and had his share of ups and downs. I credit a higher power for giving me all the tools I have needed to raise him. From the first day we met him when he was all over the place, wired with ADHD and PTSD symptoms I felt filled with an understanding and acceptance I'd never known before. I had no fear. I was being used for this soul, so that he could heal. I was given what I needed at every moment...it wasn't me doing the work. He has gone from a helpless out of control child to a prideful, helpful and compassionate human being. He loves himself and everyone so deeply now. I'd say it really picked up during Summer school this year because of an accepting teacher who saw how much potential Andrew Prasad has. He felt this, and it fostered a self-acceptance that we are loving right now. He's amazing, strong, good intentioned and so in need of serving/helping people. He's blooming. His teachers can't believe how prideful and happy he is with himself these days.

So, it's Prasad. The transition has been tricky, but we're happy to do it for the sake of self-love and transformation. I love the name, and in my heart he has always been my sweet Prasad. He still has work to do on himself, but don't we all? I am so proud of him in these moments, and it's what I live for. To see my kids shine however they are meant to, at their own pace and in their own way.

13 Days To Africa

2009-08-21T08:20:00.004-05:00

We've been hunkering down to focus on so many details before travel. I keep realizing we have some details to iron out, or some 'things' we need to pick up at the store. Amelie will likely be teething, so I'm loading up on baby Tylenol, teethers, Anbesol gel and such. At the same time we're trying our best to pack as light as possible. A joke when it comes to a 9 day trip overseas with an infant in tow, but we're trying. We'll definitely be utilizing the laundry service at the Guest House because I'm not packing 9 outfits. We may get by with just wearing things twice.

The orphanage likes Ziploc bags, so I've been picking several boxes up for donations, along with girls underwear (I heard they had a dire need for them recently). I couldn't believe Wal-Mart had a pack of 9 undies for $5 and were even labeled as "Wedgie Free, no bunching" Is that for real and can there really be such a thing? Hilarious! There will be some lucky, wedgie free girls wearing size 6 undies at Toukoul.

We got all our Embassy paperwork completed, including the I600, I864 and the visa application. We don't know the exact name and birth date listed on Sosena's birth certificate, so we had to leave those blank (sometimes there are discrepancies). Today I'm starting to write up the daily schedule for the housesitters and may start the meal plans so I know what groceries to stock up on.

I found out from our agency that we're due for an update (pictures and medical) any day now. I have a feeling we'll get it just prior to leaving. It's been two months since the last update and I can't imagine how much she's grown. Will she be crawling everywhere, walking, etc? Two months ago she was babbling, laughing, sitting with assistance and changing objects from hand to hand, healthy & thriving well (in the doctor's words). We're ALL on the edge of our seats here, just dying to meet, hold, kiss, snuggle and play with her. I'm off to have another very productive day!

Two Weeks, Three Days and Counting

2009-08-17T09:32:00.007-05:00

How did the time go so fast? Here we sit, just 17 days before we leave and it feels like we just passed Court. We started packing our bags last evening and I realized how many warm clothes we need to get out of stoarge. Addis temps are nothing like Kansas Summers, so no lightweight tops or dresses. I got Amelie/Sosena a windbreaker and we're hoping to have a ride outside of Addis just to experience some of the natural beauty of the country. I hear the mountains are amazing, and even rival Alaska's raw beauty (hard to imagine).

In the meantime, we finished up laying ALL the Mexican clay tiles in the basement this weekend. It's funny how long we take to get do-it-yourself home projects done around here. A few weeks prior to getting Andrew home 2 1/2 years ago we had just completed the play room and art room floors of the basement, and I'd installed a carpet runner on the basement steps. It feels like yesterday. Now, here we are finishing up the floor of the basement breezeway...it's a wide hallway type of room connecting the stairs to the playroom, I'd say about 17-18 feet long by 10 feet wide. It's a tricky space that required a lot of precision cutting of the tiles around awkward corners and stair molding. We're grouting this weekend. I know that every time we look at our beautiful basement floors (with extra wide grout lines to mimic the Southwest style we love) we'll think of both Andrew and Amelie, and the time we waited for them. There is so much love put into this house.

I've got most of Sky's letters and gifts packaged. He and Andrew will receive one a day until we come home. I'll have to mail Sky's to my sister's house in advance because it's just too much to pack in a suitcase. Yesterday Sky became a raving mess again. Crying to the point of hyperventilating, flailing his head everywhere. So dramatic, you'd think someone died. It's so difficult to know how far he should take his emotions.... he can't simply talk to us about our trip, he just falls apart in an extreme way. I hold him a while, stroke his hair and we talk, and talk in circles. The same conversation each time. Then it's clear that coddling him is causing him to convulse and practically stop breathing. Really, it's that intense. He's pulling his hair, rubbing his eyes out and the tears have no end. We have 17 days left before departure and we're concerned about encouraging this each day. We want him to share his feelings, that's great, but we don't want him to make himself physically ill. His nervous system has to be on overload. It always feels like there is a deeper pain behind what he says he's crying about. An old, undefinable grief, possibly primal with his birth or foster mother in Guatemala. He's too young to figure it out, and all we can do is comfort him. He's done a lot of work on the abandonment issues at home and in therapy, but it's a lifelong, evolving process. I'm fascinated by how different Andrew and Sky are in this regard, even though Andrew came home much older- 7 years vs. Sky at 17 months. Andrew doesn't have the endless hole of grief, loss and fears of abandonment. I believe personality and prenatal karmic related tendencies have so much to do with it.

Anyway, to break up Sky's mental pattern last evening after an hour of crying, Daniel walked into his room at bedtime and said "Stop picking your nose." Sky stopped and looked at Daddy, puzzled "What?!" Daniel said "I saw your finger shoved way up your nostril and I don't want you doing that." Of course, this wasn't true, but it was an attempt at changing the subject so Sky would calm down and maybe start arguing instead of crying (his favorite past time). It worked. Daniel laid down with Sky and he was calm the rest of the evening, fell asleep fine. Poor guy gets caught up in a tidal wave of emotions that seem larger than life. Everything is super serious and all encompassing to Sky, and I mean everything is usually much larger than reality. When he's clear headed, I think we're going to start helping Sky focus on all the positives about this trip- that he gets to have a vacation at his aunt's house, daily gifts from Mom and Dad and the new sister he's just dying to hold and love. He also needs to start young at understanding something our guru emphasizes- he is not his emotions, and they don't have to control him. They're like wild horses pulling the carriage all over the place. God knows Sky detests the idea of anything controlling him.

Okay- time to go nest, clean, pack, make lists, start Embassy paperwork and enjoy the sound of a very heavy and constant rain. It's an empty house today and I'm really enjoying it.

No Goodbyes, Only Seeya Later!

2009-08-13T18:26:00.003-05:00

Lots of tears were shed this evening after little Cecilia made her exit. This picture was taken right before she left. Sky probably had the most difficult time, and is already asking to visit her some time soon. Andrew surprised us by bursting into tears, while Daniel and I had our share. She really touched all of us. Even Liam enjoyed her crawling into his room every day to rummage through his toy basket (he would smile and squeal at her every time). Despite the sadness, today marks a turning point in our process with Amelie. I will have three weeks with the kids at school to get everything in order before travel. I'm kind of amazed at how fast time flew by...it hardly feels like we watched Ceci for 8 whole months. In the blink of an eye Amelie will be here.

Last Day With a Sweetheart

2009-08-13T10:36:00.003-05:00

Today is bittersweet for our family. It's the last day we're taking care of little Cecilia after 8 months of being blessed by her presence in our home. I first started caring for her full time in December of last year as a means of raising money toward adoption expenses, and it has helped us greatly. Our airfare and stay in Ethiopia are courtesy of my time with this sweet baby girl. But I didn't expect to receive so much joy, so many smiles, and so much radiance from such a little one. She was just three months old, sooo tiny when she came and I can remember how bald she was and that I had to hold her for every feeding. I watched her sweet spirit emerge and grow every day. When anyone walks into the room she lights up and gives them such a beautiful smile. There are no words to describe how perfectly she slipped into our family.

When we started having Cecilia here, we had no idea how old Amelie would be. In our homestudy we were approved for a female child, age 0-4, so I expected and older child. Ceci was born in August '08, and when we got Amelie's referral and found out she was born in September '08 it was almost chilling. The many months I cared for Ceci I recall thinking about all the things I was missing out on with Amelie- watching her grow, cuddling, seeing her teeth come in, her development, etc. But with Ceci here I sort of experienced watching Amelie through her. This past 8 months I have loved our girl through Ceci, and it has comforted me greatly. I just know these two girls are connected. We plan to have playdates, and hope to continue to watch Ceci grow. She has just been such a beautiful, sweet presence in our lives at the right and perfect time. Sky adores her in a way that I never knew he was capable of at his age. Tending to her needs, playing with her for hours at a time and feeling so much empathy when she is upset. She softens him, and takes him out of the usual, self-centered "all about me, look at me" stage. I've learned so much about my kids by having Ceci here. As Sky says often, "Ceci is our teacher so that we know what to do when Amelie gets here. Thank you, Ceci!"

I have to add that I fear Cecilia has spoiled me rotten. She is what some might call a Zen or Buddha Baby... very easygoing, peaceful, no cholic, not demanding, great napper and easy to please. She is carefree, secure and extremely happy 99% of the time. Seriously, I would love this with Amelie but I have zero expectations in this department. We're preparing ourselves for a ball of fire, but if she's also a Zen girl that's fine, too. Whatever the case, it has been a complete joy to spend so much time with such a bright soul. Cecilia, your presence will be dearly missed, but we will be in touch!

Oh My Noodles!!!

2009-08-13T10:12:00.004-05:00

In just 3 weeks our physical journey to Amelie will begin. It's very real now. Three Thursdays from now we'll be boarding a plane with Sky to Chicago so he can stay with my sister. We'll have about a 3 hour layover, get our bags and sit there all dreamy eyed about the prospect of seeing our daughter for the very first time. We'll land in DC (Dulles) that evening and stay in a hotel, rest up, shower, center ourselves and complete our 15+ hour journey to Addis. We found out another parent will be on the same flight with us out of Dulles, so we'll be landing with someone also needing to get to the Toukoul Guesthouse... comforting. On the return flight home we know of at least 4 families on our flight, totaling 7 infants on board! Those are just families we know, there are probably more. What a wild ride that will be. I welcome every moment, all the ups and downs. I know we'll have quite a rich story to tell and retell again and again to Amelie when she is older. Kids love to hear their parent's stories about them, and boy do they like repetition. Interestingly, each time we've told Andrew and Sky's stories there are always more details and memories that surface. And now, Sky is asking to hear Andrew's stories while Andrew wants to hear Sky's. It's one of the most bonding things a family can share together. So much joy and so many laughs.

Thanks So Much, Liz!

2009-08-10T14:08:00.002-05:00

The kids and I were so surprised when we opened a package that arrived this morning. Such beautiful things for Amelie from my sister, Liz! She had a Summer trip to Hawaii where she found this TOO CUTE tropical outfit in Honolulu. We love the Ethiopian recipe book (the cabbage curry and potato recipe made me drool). The dresses were found in Seattle at Gymboree, and the most special gift of all is the baby blanket she hand knitted. The colors are perfect, and we can feel how much love she put into it. I was in tears. THANK YOU so much for your thoughtfulness, Liz! I cannot wait for Amelie to meet all the people who love her so much already.

Balls of Anticipation, Worry, Karma & Courage

2009-08-10T11:42:00.007-05:00

We cannot believe it's only 3 weeks and 3 days until we leave for Addis. My stomach drops every time I look at the countdown... time is flying like never before. We're excited beyond words but I'm worried at the same time. Mostly about forgetting something important. Being thorough, organized and meticulous at planning are not my gifts in this life, so it takes a great deal of effort. Daniel is the same way, believe it or not, despite the fact that he's an attorney. We're both scatterheads in our day to day lives so it's miraculous when anything gets accomplished here.

It appears the emotions are starting to pour out from our kids. Primarily Sky. He's been an emotional wreck, trying to contain himself at every turn. At bedtime last evening he lost it and fell into the land of uncontrollable sobbing. He desperately wants Amelie here, but can't stand the idea of us being gone for 10 days and wants us to take him. It eats at him, partly because he has an INTENSELY controlling personality and needs to know our whereabouts, what we're doing and even what we're talking about (privately or not) at every single moment. In kindergarten he had trouble missing me, not because he wanted my comfort, rather he said "because I want to know what you're doing and if you're leaving the house or not." At age 5 he said he wanted to tie me down to the furniture so I'd never, ever leave the house (he was quite serious). He has a need to track people everywhere and it can be stifling and suffocating. Future stalker here? We hope not. Like any child, he'll miss us dearly. I comforted him for a half hour last evening and encouraged him to release feelings, reassuring him we'll be back and that he'll hear from us many times. At the end of the emotional release, while hyperventilating he said "I think you're leaving just to get away from me!" I'm not sure if he really believes this, considering we adore being with him and I spend every waking moment with him and have repeatedly told him how much I enjoy his talkative company. Either he thinks very little of himself or he might have been looking for pity...whatever the case, I realize children often blame themselves for everything that happens, however irrational it may be. After I explained our motives to him he started bawling because I said Amelie will be our last adoption... At this point I realized that he could bawl at anything. Seriously, I could've told him we were cleaning the stove tomorrow and he would have lost it. We've always gotten a sense from Sky that he came into this world with an endless sea of pain that he hasn't worked through for countless incarnations. By the time he was four I realized he carries the inner pain and grief of someone who has been to hell and back a thousand times. In our Eastern faith this baggage is known as karma, and I really think it's part of why he's here in this family. To help him through this crazy human, emotional experience once and for all so he's not enslaved by it.

Sky tried starting the whole wailing, bawling thing again this morning as soon as he got out of bed. He plopped his round head into my lap and tried starting where he left off last night. He was in front of everyone and I was very busy with morning duties so I couldn't even let him go there. I'm starting to wonder how long and how far I should let him take all this. For Sky, it is going to be a long 24 days of this until we leave, and I can only imagine how he'll be upon separation at the Chicago airport.

I have to say that I feel completely at peace about the trip. Every time I travel I feel this way, otherwise I probably wouldn't want to do it, nor would I even consider international adoption. My mother has natural worries every time we travel, which is understandable. With four dependent children at home I'm fully aware of how important our safety is. For some reason I have a complete and total knowing that everything will go well, and we'll be back safe and sound like all the families who have traveled before us. I KNOW IT with every ounce of my being, so I feel no trepidations whatsoever. Fearless is the best word. Logically and statistically, we're much safer in the air on a plane than we are on the ground. These facts don't assuage the fears and concerns of loved ones, but they should be remembered in moments of panic and fear. I keep thinking that maybe my love of travel and experiencing other cultures has something to do with my personal preference for international adoption, I don't know. If I couldn't open up that way and just take risks I might as well be dead. And the real journey won't even begin until we get Amelie home. If we're fearful at all, that's where it should be. Parenting can be far more scary thing than any trip we take, so that's where we need to muster the most faith and courage.

Homemade Porridge

2009-08-09T13:32:00.004-05:00

I spent last Thursday whipping up a large pan of porridge for Amelie. At Toukoul they feed her formula with supplemental porridge. I'm told it's made by their chef with grains & fruits. I chose to use cream of wheat with apricots, peaches, a hint of cinnamon and a lot of love. Andrew helped with the prep and mixing. We're hoping she likes it... it smelled delicious!

Babysitter Bites

2009-08-08T09:05:00.007-05:00

Long post here-
I'm not sure where to begin, but let's just say we've been hiring supportive home care workers to assist and teach Liam for over ten years. They come into our home, get to know our family on a fairly intimate level and assist Liam with all his needs. They also take Liam on outings, which is what he prefers- swimming, parks, restaurants, shops, etc. We often grow fond of these people through a sense of deep appreciation and teamwork regarding Liam and our other children because they can stick with us for years. On weekends they babysit all our children, usually once a week on Saturday evenings so we can have some respite time alone. We honestly couldn't function without them. They learn all the details about all of our children, their gifts, talents, issues and challenges.

It really pushed me beyond my boundaries ten years ago when I realized I'd have to succumb to allowing people in my very guarded home environment. I grew up with parents who rarely had people over, who were not social (at least not around my sister and I) and we were what I'd call extreme introverts. Our home was our guarded sanctuary, and it was untouchable by outsiders. Liam has helped me grow in so many ways, and this is one way I am so grateful for because we've gotten to know so many wonderful people. We've learned the joys of loosening up and opening our boundaries to visitors. He's opened up the world for me.

With a more open home, we've had some job interviews with people that I would never allow to step foot back into this house again. Either they don't communicate and give us blank stares, they say things that give off red lights, they can't laugh, or they just have an aura about them or a look in their eyes that feels all wrong. I'd say over the past ten years we've interviewed over 100 people, either in our home or on the phone. Rarely do we find a fit, but when we do we're elated and relieved.

Unfortunately, some people's true colors aren't revealed until after they've worked for us a while. Several months ago we hired a new Summer worker I'll call Sandy (for the sake of privacy) and she seemed responsible, level headed and very appreciative of the opportunity to work a job that didn't require sitting in an office all day. She was excited and ready for the enriching experience of working with our son. The only problem was, almost every time she worked in our home she claimed to have been bitten or snapped at by our elderly Golden Retriever, Emily. We were dumbfounded because that dog is the sweetest, most angelic presence in our home and the only time she snaps is if she feels threatened (someone steps on her while sleeping, kicks her under the table, touching her sensitive arthritic front legs, etc). She snaps, never draws blood and rarely even contacts the skin....almost all dogs do this if they feel threatened. However, each time we left the home with Sandy in charge we had an uneasy feeling and knew we were going to hear the same story- "Emily bit me again."

We have four children in the home, two adults, and for the past ten years we've had well over 25 homecare workers in our home, not to mention the pet sitters we've hired while out of town and NOT ONE PERSON has been bitten by Emily. That is what perplexed us so much. Sandy seemed so intelligent and level headed, but something wasn't right. She's one of those people we speak to and there is no response, silence, etc. and we never knew where we stood or what she was thinking. I chalked it up to a different communication style, but it was unnerving. After each biting incident I have insisted that she keep Emily in Sorin's bedroom, but for some reason she completely refused to follow this request. I started having doubts about her because she kept suggesting we put a muzzle on Emily. We don't believe in muzzles, except in extreme circumstances... it's Summer, the dog needs to pant and drink, and I know for a fact they don't work for training purposes. Sandy kept mentioning the muzzle for training, and we insisted Emily stay in Sorin's room (that would fix the problem, plain and simple, but she would NOT do that). It began to feel like a tug of war regarding whose ideas were better. We started worrying that maybe she was building up some type of case for a lawsuit....we'd come home and she show us very small marks here and there, and tell us she's "concerned because we're bringing a small child into our home." Of course this is our business and she was not biting the children.

For some reason, we kept giving her the benefit of the doubt until yesterday. We received an e-mail saying: "I understand that she is old, and you all love her very much, which is why I have been understanding and have not asked and wouldn't ask to have her put down, despite being long past Lawrence's two bite rule." Two bite rule?! Uuh, this was put in place because of pit bull breeders and dogs who are a serious threat to the residents of Lawrence. She would need to have witnesses, file police reports and seek medical care. She had none of those. Her statement creeped us out in so many ways. Despite saying "have not asked and wouldn't ask to have her put down" there is so much between the lines, including the idea we should be grateful she hasn't called the city. Mentioning the euthanization of a family member we've had for 12 years should not even be an option in this situation, and it was completely inappropriate to even mention it. Emily was ONLY biting Sandy, so it makes more sense to let Sandy go. NO ONE ELSE has ever had this problem with Emily. Why Emily was snapping/bitting at her we will never know. Sandy had obviously researched city laws on the matter, so her wheels were turning and this made us very nervous. We took it as a threat and fired her immediately. What is MOST confusing in this matter is the fact that she kept pressing the muzzle idea and completely refused to put Emily in Sorin's bedroom which would have avoided this whole mess. We will never know exactly what happened... but we don't want people in our home who refuse to implement requests, rules, etc. She's either very stubborn, stupid or mentally unstable, or all of the above. She seemed bent on proving a point about our dog and her ideas. If she really was getting bitten, it's quite possible that Emily was trying to tell us something! Sky had a VERY difficult time with her, too, but that's another long story.

Note: Some people have asked whether this affects our trip and house/babysitting while we're in Africa. We have been SOOOO blessed to have gone from depending completely on Sandy to be here for us, to not needing her at all this last week. A veteran sitter is available for most of the trip, along with an excellent school para so we have it all covered. I think this all came to light at the right and perfect time.

The Name Conundrum

2009-08-06T20:55:00.003-05:00

Since our daughter's referral, we've seen her name spelled three different ways. In the referral papers it's Sosena with an "e", but in our update it was spelled Sosina with an "i" and our e-mails from the agency always spelled it simply Sosna. When another parent was in Ethiopia she saw her name spelled with the "i" so we assumed this must be correct. No.... after inquiring with our agency so that we could book tickets and fill out our Embassy paperwork the verdict is Sosena!! I hope this is correct, once and for all. Now, we can't wait to hear how it is pronounced and cannot believe we will be holding her in LESS than a month!

Our Itinerary

2009-08-05T16:44:00.006-05:00

It's set! The flights have been booked! We still have to purchase our tickets to Chicago and back. We're dropping Sky off with my sister there, so we decided to fly out from O'Hare. Here are some details... literally, our "journey" to Amelie:

Departing Flight

-6:00pm 9/3 Leave Chicago O'Hare on United Airlines for Washington DC (2 hours)

-Stay overnight at the Hilton in DC...we like this idea since it breaks up the flight, and we haven't had a night alone in a long time

-10:05am 9/4 Leave Washington Dulles on Ethiopian Air for Addis Ababa (15 hours, with a short stop in Rome for refueling)

-Arrival in Addis Ababa at 8:20am Saturday, 9/5 The magical day we meet our sweetie!

Return Flight-------------------------

-10:15pm Friday 9/11 Leave for Washington Dulles (16 hours and 40 minutes) arriving at 7:55am on Saturday 9/12

-12:30pm Saturday 9/12 Leave Washington Dulles for Chicago (2 hours) landing at O'Hare at 1:32pm

Then fly back to Kansas City ------> then a drive to Lawrence, Kansas (HOME by evening!)

4 Weeks & 1 Day, Oh My!

2009-08-05T14:40:00.007-05:00

It's becoming more difficult to find time to post these days. We're leaving in just 29 days (HOLY MOLY!!!!), so we have A LOT of preparations. Also, school starts a week from today so we're trying to juggle "back to school" madness with all the travel stuff. Once school starts and I'm no longer doing child care for Ceci, there will be time to exhale and really get things done.

Our adoption agency has asked us for our itinerary, but we're still waiting to hear back from the travel agent. I got a lot accomplished this afternoon regarding house/babysitters while we're gone. The confusing schedule is finally in writing and makes complete sense. We're so blessed to have found out that a seasoned, trusted sitter we had for many years is available that week, despite the fact that she graduated Law School and moved out of town last year. She's agreed to cover most of the weekdays and a Saturday- thank you, Sara! All other hours will be covered by one of Liam's school paras, and a newer homecare worker. We are amazed at how easily this is all coming together. Five of the days Liam and Sorin will be at their dad's in Kansas City, so it will only be Andrew here (he'll get a lot of 1:1 which he thrives on). He'll be visiting with Grammy Lin several times for comfort and continuity. Whew! The trip just went from feeling overwhelming and impossible to do-able, and now I'm tweaking a folder of notes along with a 10 day menu plan.

Hopefully we'll get our flights booked today.... we're getting closer, Amelie!!!

Oodles of Recycled Clothing

2009-08-03T21:45:00.004-05:00

I love this little dress the most

This dress brought tears to my eyes because of the snowmen and the idea of having her during Christmas

These clothes look so much bigger in the pictures than they are. Really, they're so tiny!

I was almost speechless this morning after someone gave us two grocery bags full of baby clothes for Amelie. These pictures are only a tiny fraction of what we received. They're from Caroline Bennett, the mother of one of the sweetest baby girls I know, Cecilia. I've taken care of Cecilia full-time for 8 months, and she'll be a year old in two weeks. Seeing so many size 6-9 month clothes waiting for Amelie takes a huge weight off my shoulders. No more shopping for a long while. And having clothes that Cecilia wore is very special to me... I need to do a post about my time with Cecilia because I do have a lot to say. I'm a little emotional today after such generosity. Thanks so much to the Bennett family!

Amelie, Here We Come!

2009-08-03T18:30:00.002-05:00

We found out our Embassy date is September 8th! Normally our agency has Embassy appointments set on Mondays, but the 7th is Labor Day, so they bumped us to the 8th. I honestly was NOT expecting to travel so soon because I guessed the 14th or 21st....I'm in shock! This means we'll travel exactly a month from today and meet our sweetie on the 5th!

Oh My, It's Really Happening!

2009-08-03T12:35:00.006-05:00

Well, it's finally sinking in. I'm starting to realize how CLOSE we are to traveling, and how soon we're going to be holding our tiny and beautiful little girl. I was creating Countdown Calendars for Andrew and Sky so they can visually see how many days it is until school starts (9 days!) and they can see how long it is until we leave for Africa. They keep asking "How many days until____?" and I can say "Look at your calendar" instead of going in circles fifty times per day. When we're in country, the calendars will help count down the days until our return....I've heard this helps kids who are left at home. Anyway, this is what caused me to notice that, no matter which Embassy date we get, we're about 5-6 weeks away from traveling. Just seeing it was exciting.

I'm floored because it feels like we just started this adoption journey. It's been almost a year since we started the process in our hearts, but since we switched agencies it's been 7 months. I guess with 4 kids time really flies! I was bracing myself for the worst wait imaginable, just in case unexpected obstacles came up. I feel very, very blessed by the fact that we're leaving so soon. We'll have Amelie home just in time for her 1st birthday and her brother, Sky, is looking forward to a shared party for the both of them.

I'm starting to get things ready for travel. Amelie's things are all packed, and I'm working on special envelopes with small gifts and letters for Andrew and Sky to open each day that we're gone. We're hoping it cushions the pain of separation. After that's completed I'll be working on the Embassy paperwork and our packing. We're also determined to get the basement tiles completed prior to the trip... so much to do, and the urgency is becoming real as it all sets into our minds. Now, we're awaiting a specific Embassy date (we should hear something any day now) and then book our flight!

Latest Snapshots

2009-08-03T12:18:00.003-05:00

Sky and Andrew have been spending hours drawing. This is how Sky draws trees.

He's proud of a hat we found for him that was made in Bolivia, S. America. It's obviously made with Mayan fabric.

in May, Andrew and Sky worked together on a project for their school's Cultural Fair. They did a report on Ethiopia and stood by this display, explaining what they had written to everyone who walked by. They did a really great job, and enjoyed learning more about their sister's birth country.

Daniel was trying on Amelie's baby carrier this weekend. We'll both be wearing this a lot in Ethiopia. As you can see, he asked Sky to hop inside.

Quiet Weekend of Disbelief

2009-07-31T18:48:00.003-05:00

It's been a very long time since Daniel and I have had a quiet, 2 kid weekend. Sorin and Liam went to their dad's this afternoon and the house feels a little sad and empty, but at the same time we can let our shoulders down and breathe. Since Summer school let out, Liam has been temperamental and restless lately. It seems like he's climbing the walls, even though we have workers come over and take him on outings for 3 hours a day. The monotony and boredom of Summer is getting to him and I know he'll be thrilled when school starts up in August. It takes a lot out of me when Liam isn't happy....maintaining his routine is vital, and if he's not happy no one in this house is. I'm hoping he enjoys the time with his dad (he usually does). He loves adventures and outings.

The quiet has me realizing that the news of passing Court hasn't settled in. I feel kind of numb, as if it never happened and we still have months and months before we ever see Amelie. Then I have tiny moments of clarity- I FEEL and KNOW that there is a baby girl in Africa with our last name and she's adorable and perfect, and I'll hold her very soon. Emotions come up every time I taste that reality. It's going to be overwhelming to meet and hold this child who has been calling to me since the day she was born. I almost can't allow it to sink in because of how profound it is. A little at a time I will shift from uncertainty to knowing....or maybe it will hit me over the head like a huge "Aha!!!" Either way, that's when I'll be kicking into gear for travel preparations...not now while it's completely unbelievable.

Our Daughter, Amelie Lin Sosina Peebles

2009-07-30T13:19:00.002-05:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We Passed!!!

2009-07-30T12:08:00.003-05:00

We are officially parents to 5 beautiful children, including Amelie Lin Sosina Peebles who turned 10 months old today. Now we await the rest of the families who need to pass court this week so we can all be grouped together into the same Embassy date. It will be either September 7th or 14th, the 21st at the very latest. We're waiting to find out which dates are assigned to our agency. Whatever the case, we will be holding our little girl and smothering her in kisses and tickles in approximately 6-7 weeks! She is a precious little beauty with the most perfect little face, the biggest eyes, cutest button nose, and most kissable cheeks. I'll post a little slide show soon that I scrapped together with only 3 pictures of her. We are so blessed, the tears won't stop.

Court TODAY in Ethiopia

2009-07-29T20:18:00.004-05:00

I wasn't able to mention it earlier today because I am trying SO HARD not to think about it, but now that it's July 30th, 4:30am in Ethiopia I have an inner scream that won't stop! In just hours we have court and Amelie WILL officially be a Peebles (we have every reason to be optimistic).

Daniel and I are trying to figure out how to sleep, escape reality, etc. but nothing works. Meditation is nearly impossible because of the monkey-mind's incessant worry and preoccupation. I don't watch television, but we'll try season 2, disc 3 of HBO's "Carnivale" this evening, along with a keg-load of kava tea and valerian capsules. Calming herbs, dude...what would I do without them?

Here's to hoping my next post will be confetti and balloons!

Skin Deep

2009-07-29T11:57:00.004-05:00

Sky has been bringing up the subject of skin color a lot over the last few months, and last night when I was tucking him in bed he was complaining about his own. He started by asking me where I was born, which I have told him countless times was here in Lawrence, Kansas. When I answered him he said "No, no! I mean before that...where were you from?" I told him the only place I was before birth was in the astral realm and/or another incarnation. He kept insisting "No, no, Mommy! Where were you, like how Amelie is in Africa and I was in Guatemala?" I kept answering him until finally he felt defeated and depressed. I asked him what was wrong and he said "Well, that means I don't belong."

It's interesting to watch how kids' minds work, and how desperately they try to piece things together in a way that makes perfect sense to them. The truth is, life doesn't always make sense. At least not the way we want it to. I was able to point out that my sister, his Aunt Stephanie was born in another country (Germany)...I asked "Well, does she not belong?" He brushed over that and it didn't satisfy him, and he didn't care about the fact that both Andrew and Amelie were born in other countries. Bottom line, he felt different than his parents and he finally shared that he wishes he was the same color as Mommy and Daddy.

It never works to show pictures and tell him about President Obama's Caucasian mother and how much she loved him, and how he belonged with her despite his dark skin. It never works to point out mixed race families....he just scoffs at them and is very stubborn about what he wants. We had a strained conversation about it last evening, almost like a debate. Sky loves to contradict and argue, making people work very hard at discussions. He was very "in his head" about the whole topic, and by that I mean he didn't show much emotion about it, just intellectualization. I ended the conversation on a loving note, telling him how much I love everything about him, including his dark bronze skin color, and that I wouldn't want him any other way. None of it seemed to sink in, and then he attempted to talk about how his nose is too small and he wanted to know if he can make it bigger, like Pinocchio's. At that point I realized he was just dragging the conversation out so as not to go to bed so soon! I had to shut the door after feeling sucked in to yet another long Sky debate.

I've no doubt his feelings about disliking his skin color are real. I've seen him wince every time someone with dark skin is shown on television..he literaly tenses up his body and will cover his face. It's a big issue for Sky and it amazes me because we are so accepting of all colors in our family, we have a dark skinned guru, and we've talked about race openly with him since he was a toddler. He has embraced Amelie and Andrew with all his heart, but he always has to point out that they are darker than him, and he prides himself on being lighter. He's an extremely organized person psychologically, and everything has to fit into a category or it doesn't work for him. This is how I see it- he says we don't "match" and we need to all match, just the way his cars, stickers and super heroes are grouped into categories, he's thinking our skin has to match or we don't belong together. Absurd, I know, but until I find something superficial that makes us all alike he will continue. My dark hair and eyes aren't enough for him. We are alike in so many ways, they're not as visible to our eyes as they are to our hearts.

I welcome these types of discussions from my kids, and enjoy them. I just don't understand where his deep dislike of darker skin comes from-- is it social, cultural, built-into the psyche? Andrew brags about his skin and I'm hoping Sky doesn't ever imply anything negative about it, or Amelie's for that matter. I think we have a lot more discussions coming.

Time Flying

2009-07-28T09:38:00.008-05:00

With Sorin walking 11 blocks to the library on her own, and Sky able to do his own showers these days (completely independent of me) I'm noticing how quickly kids grow up. Sky is also making his own lunches- PB & J with chips and fruit; he is so prideful. It won't be long before he gets out of bed to get his own cereal, helps himself to snacks, etc. and I'll have to start limiting his food intake...he can eat endlessly. Andrew isn't so quick to progress with indepence because he missed out on all of his infancy with us. The other night he asked me "Can I shrink back into a tiny kid if I don't eat?" It showed me that a lot of his aversion to food is linked to desperately wanting to be younger, resisting growth. He still needs to be babied and nurtured (to be allowed dependence in order to reach independence). All older adoptees need this.

With my awareness of how fast children grow up, I will be savoring every single moment with Amelie... I'm 41, so she is our last child; my last beautiful chance to nurture a being and watch her bloom. She will probably be one of the most documented and photographed children in history.

Just two days. Two short days until we find out whether we passed court. I got news that two families have recently passed, but two others have been assigned new court dates- this Wednesday, and one in August. Our agency director informed a family who has court Friday that we have nothing to worry about with court this week... Mainly, I am still so incredibly grateful that Court is staying open and not closing the 6th of August. A sheer miracle of timing for us, and takes a load off our minds just in case we get rescheduled. So much to be grateful for these days, no matter the outcome Thursday.

My sweet Amelie/Sosena, we are SOOOOO CLOSE!

Deja Vu

2009-07-27T09:23:00.005-05:00

Here we are again. This countdown feels so familiar, have we been here before? Will this be the week Sosena officially becomes a Peebles? We're down to just three days until Court and the nervous butterflies are starting again. MOWA has been open since the 22nd, so hopefully our letter will be there along with every bit of information we need to pass Court. It's the final hurdle before travel and we are so ready to bring Sosena home!

Yesterday I sat for hours at an urgent care clinic because of a terrible sinus infection. I was prescribed antibiotics, two inhalers and a nasal spray. Did I mention I'm also supposed to take Mucinex, Claritin-D and Tylenol, too? Last night I was such a zombie from all the medicine that I became numb all over and fell asleep early. I remember thinking "this is how I need to feel until Thursday gets here!" Numbed out. Seriously, I'll probably be chugging barrels of kava tea both Wednesday and Thursday.

Nest Improvement

2009-07-24T12:39:00.003-05:00

Daniel and I are still awed by the fact that our 30+ year old roof is being replaced by our insurance company. It had so much wear, staining, very old tears and holes from hail storms old and new, a leak through the fireplace, etc. but they gave us a check for the entire cost of replacement (without depreciation). We thought it only had two layers of roofing, but as they started removal yesterday there was a 3rd roof that had crumbled into soot underneath. The oldest shingles had to be 60+ years old. The house was built in 1930.

This is such a huge gift with Amelie/Sosena coming... talk about nesting! With the expense of international adoption we'd planned on putting off a new roof for at least two years, and never expected insurance to cover it. All we can figure is that someone wants Amelie to have a good roof...she is a Diva after all! We love the varied colors and curved/scalloped edges because people in the neighborhood call our home the "Gingerbread House."

The roofers are from Guatemala, so Sky has really enjoyed their presence. The owner of the business, Ishmael, has been a client of Daniel's for almost 9 years; he's bonded and insured and does excellent work. They plan to be finished with the house in just 2 days, and will complete the garage tomorrow. All the banging gave Daniel a headache yesterday, but I swear it's music to my ears because a new roof feels like a dream.

Goodbye Froggy Ma

2009-07-22T14:01:00.004-05:00

Last night when Andrew went to bed he informed us that his stuffed animal, Froggy Mama, was very old and ill. He said she was 112 years old with a bad heart, and that she was going to the hospital tomorrow morning. He got up this morning and took her down into the basement for her "appointment" and came upstairs for some bad news. He said "The doctor put some heart medicine in her mouth, but she spit it out and died." He carried her around for a couple of hours asking about death, wondering if she was okay. He asked whether we could scatter her ashes or float them on leaves in the water. He has memories of going to a river in India after someone died (he's been talking about it since he came home two and a half years ago). He said they had flowers and there was a lot of crying. I showed him an online video of an actual Indian cremation ceremony and he decided to do the same for Froggy Mama. He's taking it all very seriously!

The benefit of doing all this seems to be that he's learning more about death and how temporary everything is (including our bodies). I explained that her spirit (the only eternal part) left her body, just like when we take our coats off. Her coat was very old and tired, so she feels much better now. He was comforted by how she looks now- "She looks so pretty and peaceful Mom." The flowers were the final touch from our yard, and after the pretend pyre is done burning he plans to scatter her ashes.

Om Namah Shivaya, Om Nama Shivaya, Om, Shanti, Amen

Basking in the Journey's Glow

2009-07-21T20:44:00.005-05:00

Yes, I've been slacking in the blog department these days. I'll catch up if I can ever get my head out of the clouds. A mild but annoying cold has been after me while taking care of Andrew and Sky at home. Summer school ended last week. I've been walking on air, and I've no idea why. I suppose one doesn't need a reason.

We've been having enormous successes with the new points system we implemented over the weekend. Andrew has been graciously following each and every rule, and Sky has been more thoughtful with a cooler temperament. One thing I've realized through this whole ordeal is how much I love being with the two of them, and I mean ALL the time. I can't believe I'm saying that because I usually need several breaks a day, but when they're well behaved I cannot get enough of their shining, loving and gifted personalities. Daniel took Andrew to work today and I could hardly bear to be parted from him. God only knows how long this positive side of him will predominate and I want to savor every moment! He's been so affectionate, thoughtful, calm, emotionally open and helpful....not to mention extremely humorous and lighthearted (I think he's feeling better about himself these days). We're sticking to this new system until school starts, and we hope to get the new teachers cooperating with the strategy.

Liam has been the usual master of happiness. Smiles, playfulness and all around chipper energy. I was telling my mom today that he seems to be the easiest of the bunch, and that's amazing considering he has moderate-severe autism. It wasn't always that way, and I think he actually "broke me in" both as a parent, and as a human being. After all I went through in his earlier years I believe I can handle anything life throws at me. Now he just shines his light every day, and always brings smiles to Andrew and Sky's faces. When he squeals it sounds just like our tea kettle, and Sky says "Hey, tea's done!" It's very cute.

As I was posting this, Andrew got out of bed crying because he remembered the "beautiful little old lady" he met at Walgreens and was very worried about her. I told him to say a prayer for her, and reassured him that she's fine and probably doing very well. He sees elderly people as suffering, and hasn't yet realized they are often just fine like everyone else. He sees them as being close to death, and it scares him. Death terrifies him and we've been working on that. Gradually he'll be where Sky is (we hope) and feel secure in our spiritual teachings about the subject. His heart is so huge, I've no doubt he himself will grow to become a comforter for others in many, many ways.

In a nutshell, life has been amazing since last weekend...both within and around us. It's been one of those rare periods in which I see all the work and time and effort we put into our family really paying off. Motherhood is a profession that doesn't give you results instantly. It's so gradual that we often don't see them until we look way back. This week they've been sprouting out in radiant blooms and I'm basking in the glow. I don't only look for developments in my kids, I look for them in myself. That's what it's all really about anyway... our own individual journeys of growth, and how our lives shape our identities, sense of self and purpose. My kids are constantly showing me where I still have work to do on myself. I'm so grateful for that. There is a slowly developing calmness that has been growing in me over the past year, and lately it's really taking off. Much of it is being reflected back at me through my kids, and I'm digging it!

Welcome Home DeZuttis!!!

2009-07-18T12:48:00.005-05:00

I am sooooo happy to welcome the DeZuttis back from Ethiopia! Meg and Gregg are now a family of three with their beautiful Sammy/Yeabsera/Yabby. I look forward to reading more about her month long adventure at Toukoul, and seeing photos, photos, photos of their amazing boy.

Sammy is bigger than Amelie, and if he is too skinny to wear gDiapers, it looks like Amelie will be too small for them. I'm glad to know this so we can stock up on alternate diapers until she grows into them! And unless she has a huge growth spurt between now and September, she'll be wearing size 6 month clothes as well.

Happenings

2009-07-17T10:25:00.007-05:00

After getting through the hurdle of last week's court drama we've enjoyed some quiet time, and have set the whole adoption aside in our minds (well, as best we can). The miracle of Court not closing this year alleviates what would otherwise be a great source of anxiety right now. I'm grateful for that every day, and am still awed by the timing of it with our Court date. It's less than two weeks away now, by the way!

Meanwhile, we have enough going on here on the homefront to keep three families busy. The primary challenge has been Andrew's recent need to oppose or do the complete opposite of what he's told to. This issue has come up off and on since Spring, but has recently escalated. We tell him "Don't throw the toys" and he quietly, and without any verbal or facial defiance will throw them. It's a passive, gentle defiance without argument or anger expressed. We tell him to hang up his bath towel, he sweetly says "Okay" and walks to his room only to leave it there and make more of a mess. We tell him to fold his laundry only to discover he has tossed it all on the top shelf of his closet. The list is endless, and lately has lasted all day. He spends time on a "time out" stool in the front hallway, we have sent him to bed early, removed priviledges, etc. We've tried everything to no avail. What does a parent do when consequences don't affect a child? He has told us "I'm TRYING to get into trouble, so I'm happy about it. What I'm doing is working!" and "Can I sit in time-out longer?" or smiles "Maybe you can send me to bed early tonight." It all gives him a sense of control (after the 7 years of zero control he had in India I'm sure it's empowering in an unhealthy way).

So, today we've implemented a new "points system" for both Andrew and Sky so they can earn points toward small daily prizes, like candy, tattoos and gum, and then bigger prizes like what we have in the "Goody Bag." It's full of things like a robot alarm clock, large calculator, a magnifying lens set, large snacks (appeals to Sky), large sticker sheets, bags, stuffed animals, toy cars, stamp sets, and other enticing items. When I showed them to Andrew this moring he was completely awed as if he was gazing at a bag full of diamonds! It takes so little to lure a child into the sense of magic and wonder required to make the bribery work... we have a checklist for both of them with Morning, Afternoon, and Evening "to-do's" and required behaviors. They earn a point for completing each one for a total of 30 points per day. We have a line for Extra Credit if they spend 5 minutes or more in meditation or perfrm some type of outstanding act of kindness. A parents fills it out andsigns it daily, and theform is used like money in exchange for goodies. Most items in the bag require 200-300 points, but they will earn a daily treat in the smaller bag just for having a minumum of 25 points that day. Andrew vowed his morning "I will never, ever, ever sit in time-out again, Mom. I am doing everything on this list and I think you are marvelous Mommy for thinking of this for us. Thank you!" He's so grateful now, but we'll see how it goes. We've tried systems similar in the past and Andrew gets bored with them, or gives up saying "Oh, I can't do it...forget it. Sky can have everything."

We're hoping Andrew has some successes through self-control, and realizes he'll be much more happy and fulfilled by following rules because he gets tangible results that are positive. It feels like we're breaking an old pattern he started in India- I Desperately need attention and control, the only way to get them is to be naughty, I am naughty so this must be he only way to get it, look how upset they (the grown ups get), itmakes me feel powerful, see how this works? It's predictable and I feel safe that way, I'm getting exactly what I want and it reinforces my need to affirm that I'm bad so I'm smiling. We're re-wiring old thoughts and behaviors so it's going to take more than just a few toys and bribes, but we have to start somewhere.

New Court Date

2009-07-14T12:43:00.003-05:00

We received the news today that we were reassigned the court date of July 30th! That's just 2 weeks and 2 days away. This is a huge relief, as MOWA will be open and we'll have our letter from them. Hopefully we pass court that day, and we travel in September as originally planned. We're still awaiting confirmation that Court is NOT closing this year. This news will positively affect so many families awaiting referrals and court dates.

I can't stop grinning today. After so many days of uncertainty, we are filled with immense gratitude. We will be sitting with our whole family in gratitude this evening, giving thanks for a new chance in court. And my nesting instict is stirring and starting to wake up again... time to get busy for Amelie!

No Court Closure

2009-07-14T09:38:00.005-05:00

I awoke to news that Ethiopia won't be closing court this year. However, this hasn't been confirmed by our agency, so I'm hesitant to fully cheer about it. The news was officially announced by another much larger agency as of yesterday, so I'm VERY optimistic at this point. Even if we don't pass court it would set us back minimally with courts staying open. No October/November travel to wrap our minds around.... we're SO hopeful today, and will post as soon as we hear how court went.
Here is a link to some news that may be helpful to other families.

Letting Go

2009-07-13T15:03:00.003-05:00

Well, here we are. 1 day until court, and still no information to alleviate our worries. 1 day from cheering or disappointment. We spoke with our agency director and, so far, no letters have been acquired from MOWA. We were told our attorney is still trying, and if he doesn't succeed he will plead our case in court and at least try to get us a new court date that is prior to August 6th (court closure) so that when MOWA re-opens on the 23rd we can get the letter. I'd imagine the courts want to wrap up outstanding cases prior to a two month closure, and I trust they will attempt to hear as many cases as they can in the next few weeks.

It's all kind of surreal to us at this point. I've had many moments in which I have been able to transcend this whole drama, and witness it from a distance. It's like a movie...a suspensful one, but not exactly real. When tomorrow's news comes and passes I'm hoping to have that same ability, no matter what the outcome. My outer state does not dictate my inner one... it doesn't have to. I know everything that can be done in Ethiopia is being done, and I can't expect anything else. It's in the hands of God, the Universe, the Great Spirit, Divine Mother... Thy will be done.

Hanging In There

2009-07-12T14:45:00.005-05:00

2 days to court.

It's been a few days of mild to severe agony, but I've come to accept that we have no control over the outcome, and that whatever is to be will be. This doesn't mean bad news won't be diffcult, but it won't kill me or Amelie. It won't mean she's not coming home, just that she's coming home 2 months later than previously expected. I'm hoping to remain in this more accepting state as we await any shred of news tomorrow. It could very easily go either way, and we're hoping to hear something tomorrow about the MOWA letters that so many families need to pass court this week. I have a great deal of faith in the abilities of our agency and the attorney working for us in Addis. Our director was contacted yesterday about the status of the letters and he simply said he couldn't discuss it, and that we'd know something by Monday. No news was actually good news....

Daniel and I are spending this evening in meditation, focusing purely on this situation for all involved, and hope to gather personal strength. The kids all know what's going on and they seem concerned, but are handling it all so well... they're so much more 'in the moment' than adults are. They're great teachers that way.

Quiet Family Vigil

2009-07-10T13:35:00.008-05:00

I have been connecting more deeply with an inner source of comfort these days, and I am reminded of how wealthy I am to have that...it is the most true form of wealth I have ever known. Our guru's teachings and my personal relationship with him have sustained me through so much and I know I can handle anything because of it.

We should be ecstatic and cheering about the idea of just 4 days until court. Instead we are experiencing the agonizing "unknown." It's a scary sort of limbo until we hear something certain from our agency. They are doing everything possible to ensure we either get through court with our MOWA letter Tuesday, or at least get assigned a court date that is before the court closure which begins August 6th and lasts two months. If we get assigned a new court date after the closure we won't see Amelie until November. Anything could happen- one of three outcomes 1) get through court Tuesday, 2) get assigned a new court date before closure, or 3) get assigned a new court date for October. Two out of three hopeful possibilities isn't bad.... with all of them we will have Amelie home this year.

We're holding a quiet tone in our home today and all through the weekend, lighting candles on our altar and next to Amelie's picture, setting statues of Ganesha around the house (the elephant diety representing removal of obstacles), praying and praying and praying while breathing and trying to let go. I pray for the best possible outcome for all involved....this includes all families needing to pass court prior to closure, all the people at the orphanage who work so hard to take care of and place our children, all the court staff, the hard working people at MOWA, our agency director, our Ethiopian attorney, and the waiting children. We'll be praying for the strength to handle and accept any outcome with grace. I'll admit this is very hard to do...to prepare for something so deeply disappointing. The idea of not seeing Amelie learn to walk, start teething, etc. The idea of bringing home a toddler instead of an infant requires a major shift. We're not giving up our hope and optimism. Andrew is sitting in prayerful chant now, singing "Om Namo Bagavate Vasudevaya" for Amelie, knowing he will hold her...whether it's in two or four months he knows she will be here no matter the outcome. In a simplified nutshell, the chant means "Thy will be done, not mine."

Mama's Brag Time

2009-07-10T11:50:00.003-05:00

Latest note from Andrew's Summer school teacher:

"Andrew is doing amazing at summer school! He is a ray of sunshine and always willing to help out! He is truly a unique special boy and I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to work with him this summer! I just see so much potential inside of him! I predict he will do great things some day!"

The picture was taken at Andrew's optometrist appointment yesterday. He's excited to be getting some new, blue specs.

5 Days and Counting...

2009-07-09T11:20:00.004-05:00

We have a mere 5 days until our court date and we should be biting our nails down. I feel pretty calm about it, overall, but there are times I wish I stayed off adoption boards. The Ministry of Women and Children (MOWA) supposedly closed yesterday for 1.5 weeks for training, or is it until August? I've heard both, and the whole thing is heresay from other parents, agencies, boards, etc. I don't like getting my panties in a bunch over things we read on the web. Our program director has said it's not confirmed, and it won't be until he's heard directly from MOWA. How would this even affect our case if it's true, you ask? Well, very little as long as our MOWA letter was submitted to the court. We'll find out in 5 days. I'm trusting they wouldn't shut their doors and leave several weeks worth of families hanging in court without their letters (if they are really closed). Either way, I do trust this process and know we'll have Amelie in our arms at the right and perfect time. I continue to cheer at the strong prospect of getting through court Tuesday!

Coming Soon: I've put together a slideshow/montage with Amelie's pictures and our little story up until now. It will be posted once we pass court and she can finally make her internet debut!

Amelie's All Packed

2009-07-08T19:15:00.003-05:00

It may seem a bit premature since we don't leave for about 2 months, but since we're also going to have to pack for ourselves, Sky's trip to my sister's, Liam and Sorin's to their dad's, not to mention all the paperwork we'll have to complete once we know our Embassy date, I felt compelled to pack for Amelie. She is, after all, the most high-maintenance one of us all. School starts back up on August 13th (early this year!) and I'll soon have "back to school" shopping on my mind, too. If I look at everything at once it seems impossible, so I take it one little step at a time. It feels great to have Amelie's clothes washed and packed with her bottles, snacks, toys, teething medicines, etc. There's even a hidden compartment under her rolling duffel bag that has 80 diapers inside...sneaky! We'll probably fill it with souvenirs when we come back.

And Her Car Seat...

2009-07-08T08:20:00.006-05:00

Daniel and I were out together yesterday comparing various formulas. The ingredients in some brands had us a bit confused (pure sugar/sucrose in several), so we finally settled on Earth's Best organic soy which is sold at our local Co-Op along with her Earth friendly diapers. While researching, we came across a car seat at Target that was on sale. Granted, I didn't care for the loud pink color, but we liked the style and price. Daniel thinks Amelie will probably like it. I installed it yesterday and took a picture of our stickers on the back of the family bus.

Nesting Mania Has Begun

2009-07-08T07:47:00.002-05:00

It's suddenly become whopper of a week and I can hardly find time to post. Sky attends an all day Summer camp while Drew and Liam attend school in the mornings. Sorin has an afternoon job she goes to Monday through Friday, so you'd think I'd have some time to rest. Instead I've been overwhelmed by an INTENSE nesting desire, and I've gotten all Amelie's compostable/flushable & cloth insert gDiapers stocked up, the diaper bag filled up for the trip (with clothes, toys, diapers, formula- Earth's Best: Soy, bottles, snacks, etc), baby-proofed the outlets in the house, and her luggage is completely packed! Seriously, it feels like I've shifted gears to the point of hyperfocused obsession...getting everything done for Amelie's homecoming is my only objective these days. It feels like my energy level is endless, and I'm on a mission. And it's LESS than a week until she's officially a Peebles!

Down to Nine!

2009-07-05T12:00:00.004-05:00

Just 9 days until court!

When I got up this morning and looked at Amelie's new picture I became overwhelmed in tears. Her sweet face has imprinted on my heart, and the fact that I can't hold and comfort her yet is becoming more difficult. There is a deep joy in knowing she will be here so soon, though. I think the tears were a mixture of both joy and sadness. I keep waking up with the physical sensation of having held her tiny body in my arms. I'm so grateful for that. Daniel had a dream about her last week- one in which he and I were in a waitng room, waiting for her to meet us and I had to leave and use the restroom. Because of this, he was able to hold her for the first time alone. He talks a lot about how he felt very connected to her on a spiritual level. Anyway, as beautiful as that dream sounds, I don't think I will be stepping out to use the restroom when that special time comes!

There are two designated Embassy dates assigned to our agency that we could get after passing court- either August 24th or September 7th. Either way, the fact is that we are traveling in less than two months to bring our sweetie home!

Down to 10!

2009-07-04T13:31:00.005-05:00

We're down to just 10 days until Amelie is officially a Peebles! This photo's perspective really makes me laugh...when I gaze at it a their hands looks much larger than life. And yes, those are Andrew's long "fiddly fingers" that get in to EVERYTHING!

Andrew's Song to Amelie

2009-07-04T08:31:00.003-05:00

After opening Amelie's new picture on the computer yesterday, Andrew reacted the same way as he did with the first picture. He almost blushes (face looks down, bashful and covering face), then he looks at me with tears welled up in his eyes. He did this yesterday, but then walked over to her photo on our fireplace mantel, sat on a small stool and started singing to her. He turned around in the middle of the song asking "Mom, is it okay if I sing to Amelie now?" It was so touching as he started singing a song we have on a recording by Janaka with the lyrics "Looking in the Eyes of an Angel." If you visit the link, click the song "Eyes Divine" for a small sample. The song is about what it was like for him seeing our guru's picture for the first time, but for Andrew it held special meaning for his sister yesterday. He adores her already, and has shared with me that he's completely terrified of how much he's going to love her when she gets home. He said "I'm afraid I'm going to start crying when I first meet her. I won't know what to do." I told him I will probably cry, too, and it's perfectly fine. She's family, we love her and she's been away from us too long already. Of course we can cry!

Update Received!

2009-07-03T15:05:00.002-05:00

Amelie has grown so much! Mostly she looks a lot older in the face. She's still under 15 pounds (14.8) but has gained .6 lbs. since the referral. Her head circumference is 1 centimeter larger, and she has grown almost 1 inch in height. She's passing objects from one hand to the other, has started babbling, and is eating a lot of supplementary porridge in addition to three bottles of formula a day. Her giardia test was negative (yay!) She looks very healthy, and even has some 'chub' on her thighs.

Liam's Adventure

2009-07-03T14:20:00.003-05:00

Last weekend while we were in Chicago with Andrew and Sky, Liam and Sorin were having their own adventures. Sorin was in Oklahoma enjoying a teen Unity Rally while Liam went to the Ozarks with his dad. This picture still amazes me....Liam on a jet ski! He barely hung on, but I'm told he loved every minute of it. He seems most at home in the water, and on anything that is moving.

Countdown To Court

2009-07-02T14:57:00.002-05:00

We're down to just 12 days until our little Amelie Lin Sosena is officially a Peebles! I love the number 12. The kids are starting to count down with us. By the 4th of July we'll start counting on our fingers (or our toes)!

The Wild See Saw

2009-07-01T13:20:00.004-05:00

We're cheering and screaming all at the same time here. As of today we have UNDER 2 weeks until Amelie's court date... that's just 1 week and six days!!! Unbelievable. A week ago we were beginning to think our court date would be drawn out at least another month. We're ecstatic! On the other hand, we haven't had one update on Amelie since referral. Her info was taken on May 1st, so it's 2 month old information. She has surely grown and developed and changed by now. Babies change so quickly at this age. As of this afternoon there are still no photos, no information. This is not typical for Toukoul because updates have always been sent regularly, by the end of every month. Many families are perplexed about what is going on, and we're in agony together! So, our family waffles from ecstatic cheers to frustrated confusion....back and forth. Let's pray my next post is filled with new details about our little girl.

Me and My Sis

2009-06-30T15:38:00.004-05:00

My niece Zoe, nephew Jonah, my sister Stephanie and I at her home in Lombard, Illinois. All our pictures were taken on Daniel's iPhone so they're a bit blurry. I forgot my good camera, but I think this one is nice.

Bal Vikas Adoptive Families Reunion '09

2009-06-30T13:33:00.000-05:00

14 Days

2009-06-30T10:01:00.004-05:00

For some reason the idea of just 2 weeks until court keeps giving me huge butterflies, and I can't stop flailing my arms and jumping up and down! Just 14 days...WoW!!! In this busy family, weeks go by so, so fast. The day will be here before we know it!

ALSO- Amelie turned 9 months old today! Sky and Andrew seemed very excited about that, and we should be getting a photo & measurement update on her any day now.

As a side note: Mama Dezutti wrote and informed several families that today was the day she and another parent are taking pictures and video of our kids at Le Toukoul! It warms our hearts to know she has already met Amelie and interacted with her. With the time difference it all happened as we slept last night. We'll see all of it when Meg returns in mid-July...Thank you, Meg!

Double Birthdays

2009-06-30T09:20:00.003-05:00

Sky was so sweet this morning about Amelie. He was asking exactly when she's coming home, and when he realized we'd be able to celebrate her birthday (September 30th) he hatched a fun plan. He said "I want to share my birthday party with Amelie." His birthday is four days earlier (September 26th). He said "Mom, let's have a double-party for her and I, and we can even have a cake with both of our names on it- it could say 'Happy Birthday Sky & Amelie' and one end could have 8 candles, and the other end just 1. And on Amelie's end we could have some baby things, and on my end we could have some hotwheels. I will help her open her presents." He was giddy, and jumping up and down with complete excitement. He might have a very good idea!

Gifts

2009-06-29T19:27:00.004-05:00

We had to do a little shout out regarding a gift for Amelie from the Raja family! I was very touched because it's one of the first gifts we've received for her (after Grammy Lin's doll). The Raja family includes Deb, Pankaj, and their son Samedh. Little Samedh will be four in September and lived at Bal Vikas in Mumbai at the same time that Andrew was there. He's as cute as a button! It was so wonderful seeing them at the reunion again this year, and we want to say a big "Thank You" for Amelie's new things. Honestly, we are so unprepared when it comes to the basic things like plates and sippy cups....it's a big help!

Life Is Good...No, It's Marvelous!

2009-06-29T07:53:00.005-05:00

We had another GREAT trip to the Chicago area again this year. It was an exact duplicate of our trip last Summer: visiting with my sister in Lombard for a couple of days, then on to the adoption reunion in Schaumburg for the entire weekend. The kids did amazingly well both on the drive there and back home (Daniel and I were ready for some major problems like we had on our last vacation to Colorado). I'm pretty certain the three factors- 1) larger car/mini-van, 2) Sky's deepened and more trusting attachment to family, and 3) the fact that Andrew is now taking ADD medication have helped immensely. We also had a hand-held electronic game for them which is a major treat in our 'non-video game' household. There was no fighting, yelling, tantruming or any unpleasant dramas. We all really enjoyed one another, and I sense an even greater closeness to our kids after the trip. When we walked into our home last night, Sky very sweetly thanked us for taking them on the vacation.

And finally, I can SCREAM WITH GLEE about our court date!!! I haven't had time to post much of anything about it, but Daniel and I are over the moon with excitement. We expected to have to wait longer to receive the date, and we also expected the date to be late July or early August. We just have 2 weeks and 1 day left until she's all ours in every way! We're both stunned by the fact that we'll be in Ethiopia exactly 2 months from now-- that is NO TIME for us. Time flies in this busy house, so I'm feeling a need to get early planning started. I'll be printing out all our packing lists (they're quite elaborate, courtesy of Mama DeZutti!) I will also be starting on house sitter notes and making arrangements for Sorin, Liam and Andrew as they stay here. Sky will fly up to Chicago with us and stay with Aunt Stephanie. It's all kind of surreal right now, like when we first got Amelie's referral. It doesn't feel real yet, and I'm sure that's partly because we were out of town when we got the news. When reality sinks in I'm going to go completely berzerk!

Andrew's Teacher Note:

2009-06-29T07:39:00.002-05:00

"Andrew has been a total Rock Star at Summer school! He is so helpful with the younger students, and he is just like a ray of sunshine for our class. We are keeping him very busy with changes in activity every 15 minutes, and he has responded well to that. Last week he started being a "peer mentor" to another student who is visually impaired and learning braille this Summer. Andrew has become a HUGE motivation for this student! I just think he is an especially awesome kiddo and I am so glad he's with us this Summer!"
from Ms. Lippman

Court Date!

2009-06-25T20:10:00.003-05:00

We are another BIG step closer to bringing Amelie home! Yesterday, as we pulled into my sister's driveway in Lombard, Illinois (after an 11 hour drive) Daniel called our agency director. He was told we definitely had a court date assigned. He sent us the exact date today: July 14. We'd been waiting 6 weeks and 2 days since we accepted the referral. I am floored because I was seriously bracing myself for a later court date, and later travel. Now it looks like we'll get an Embassy date of August 24. No more "limbo" here!
Amelie, Mommy and Daddy are coming very, very soon! It's less than 19 days until you are officially a "Peebles!"

Ready to Go!

2009-06-23T09:51:00.005-05:00

Bal Vikas Reunion, 2008

The day prior to leaving town I'm usually running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but I started packing early, so I have less to do today. It's a great feeling, but I'm not used to it. Instead I'm calmly cleaning the house and doing all the extra little things that need to be done with unusual ease. We'll leave tomorrow at 8:00am and arrive at my sister's in Lombard, Illinois around dinner time. I'm looking so forward to spending long overdue time with her family! The picture above was taken last year at Andrew's orphanage reunion. Apparently, his best friend from Bal Vikas, Ragini (the girl, far right in blue) still plans to marry Andrew. Her mom told me she has plans of holding Andrew's hand at the reunion...very sweet! We'll see the whole gang late Friday afternoon, and both Sky and Andrew are super excited about it.

We received good news yesterday from our agency director regarding court dates. Apparently there are 12 families awaiting court dates and he "expects to recieve some dates this week." We've been waiting over 6 weeks now and we're praying that we are included in this batch of dates. Another family said the director spoke to them as if all 12 families will receive court dates, so we're very optimistic! We'll be checking our e-mail like fanatics while we travel this week- not only for the court date, but for the update and photos of Amelie that are due any day between now and the 27th! Once we get the court date we can start setting tentative travel plans because the American Embassy dates are scheduled 6 weeks out from court.

Oh- and I cannot post today without mentioning that Mama DeZutti held her beautiful son for the first time today. She said her heart is bursting open, that he's beautiful and so healthy! What a holy and perfect moment it is when we first hold our children. Her journey to motherhood was very long, but I've no doubt all the agony of waiting has melted away and is forgotten now. Andrew and Sky have been following her on Facebook with us, and when she landed at the Ethiopian airport they cheered as if it was Christmas day! Congratulations Meg!

Father's Day

2009-06-22T11:26:00.003-05:00

We had a great Father's Day yesterday. Sorin and Liam were gone at their dad's, which was unfortunate, but of course good for them. We had a special Father's Day lunch at Mad Greek followed by the movie "Up" with Andrew and Sky. After that Daniel came home and played with his new toy- a remote control airplane that I think he crashed at least five times. It's covered in tape now, but still flies! It was a hit that the kids were able to enjoy with Daddy.

Daniel is back to work today, but only for two days so he's doing marathon days to get things squared away, meet new clients and tie up loose ends before we leave Wednesday morning. I'm doing the same craziness at home, getting everyone packed, finalizing babysitter and petsitter instructions, getting the house in order (for once) and trying to do it all without lists. We'll be gone for five days, spending Wednesday evening and all day Thursday at my sister's house in Lombard, then we'll go to Andrew's orphanage reunion in Schaumburg Friday afternoon and all day Saturday. It's the same little adventure we really enjoyed last Summer.

On Daniel's To Do list is to call our adoption agency today and "nag" about the fact that we've waited 6 weeks for a court date and have no news. We were told 5-6 weeks until we'd hear a date and here we are.... still in limbo. I have a feeling we'll hear, "Oh, it's coming soon." Something vague like that...."soon." It's much better than hearing "Oh, the courts are slower now, so you'll need to wait 5-6 more weeks!" I think we'll both be screaming if that's the case, and I pray we don't hear that. So many families are waiting on dates at our agency, some longer than us, so we keep thinking there has to be news soon.

Ethiopia Bound?

2009-06-20T08:37:00.003-05:00

Andrew has decided that he wants to stow away to Ethiopia with us...

...and Lakshmi has, too. She's wearing the traditional head dress to prove it!

Baby Steps

2009-06-19T08:39:00.003-05:00

It looks like Andrew's room is down to "zero" toys. This includes all small toy cars, art supplies, stuffed animals, and most tragically- books. Granted, he does have several books to browse in the living room, along with a few puzzles and games where he can be supervised. It's a long story that I hesitated to share for two reasons: 1) it's just plain depressing, frustrating and sad to me, and 2) I have a need to protect my children's privacy, believe it or not, and 3) it's complicated. I think this is an issue many adoptive parents of older kids run into and I'm sure it's something Andrew will eventually outgrow when he has healed some core issues. I don't blame him for anything, and when I look at where he's come from, his background and such it would be surprising if he didn't have this issue.

Why doesn't Andrew have anything left in his room you ask? Well, it's due to something that has been going on ever since he came home- the need to destroy, tear apart, crack and break almost every posession he has. We used to remove only the things he broke and refused to replace them. Over the past year his room was dwindling down daily. Even his art supplies, which he coveted, were destroyed....all his wooden pencils broken in half, decorative craft papers torn to shreds, etc. It really breaks our hearts because he really loves the things when he first gets them. He even managed to crack the face of a wall clock we put over his door...I understand some children are just destructive, it's normal at his age. This goes beyond that because he always does it intentionally and to things he really loves. Over the past few months we've started seeing books torn up (new books) and that was very upsetting to us. We don't want him to be without books! The last straw was when I was looking inside his empty art desk this week and found his new school yearbook torn to pieces. The cover was completely wripped to shreds and every page torn out. I was shocked and so was everyone here. He has nothing against school, he loves school. This is simply a sign of feeling "broken" and "torn apart" on the inside. It has to be a mirror, and it's why I said in the post yesterday that we scheduled more therapy. He's come so far in a multitude of ways, but this is one issue that lingers for him. His brokenness combined with an old sense of unworthiness creates a destructive child. Deep down he feels terribly about it and doesn't understand himself consciously. He wants desperately to stop.

For now, we're using the approach of "earning back" toys. He gets a few a week, and if he treats those respectfully and doesn't destroy anything he gets a few more the next week, and so on. He goes to therapy on Monday and will start EMDR to help treat the underlying anxiety and issues surrounding it all. I keep telling him there are so many completely awesome things I want to buy him (art supplies, cool books, puppets, etc) and that I will work with him to help him through this....that he's not alone. He is SO SUPPORTED and I always want him to know that, no matter what.

Interestingly, in all other respects he's been marvelous. He's deeply loving and affectionate and is growing by leaps and bounds at school. He's shining at Summer school, and has made major progress academically and socially. Yesterday he was walking around, following me because, as he said "I love, love , love your smells Mom!" He kept hugging me and inhaling so deeply, as if he was getting his "fix" of Mommy. He's so multi-sensory and quite a little lover. He has so many amazing qualities that whenever he hits these bumps called "issues" I'm able to see through them to the true spirit that he is. He's almost blinding! It's as if we're helping him to peel away layers so that more of him can shine through. I always think that if he healed completely he'd be an overwhelming human being because there is a very bright star in there.

Amelie's Star Baby

2009-06-19T08:19:00.005-05:00

I finally finished Amelie's Star Baby doll. The last touch will be a cotton ribbon or small handkerchief at the neck and a tag on the back that says "Made with love by Mommy." It's made with thick cotton flannel. These dolls are traditionally hand made by mothers as a symbol of their love for the child. She's about 18-20 inches across. I can see Amelie dragging her all over the house!

Too Pooped To Post

2009-06-18T11:19:00.004-05:00

We've had a lot on our plate these days and this week has been one of those weeks in which it's all caught up with me. I get extremely scattered/ADD about once a month (my version of PMS, I guess) and it's so hard to manage all the details of life in that state. Here is a little list I drew up to help me see it laid out in a more logical way. It's helpful when it's no longer just floating around in my head like a crazy stew!

Amelie's adoption process, and awaitng a court date (mustering patience takes energy)
The idea of travel overseas in a few months has me working on large packing lists, and checklists for paperwork. Not to mention the shopping I've done for Amelie (bottles, clothes, diapers, etc).
The usual juggling of 4 kids and their Summer schedules, along with a 5th child I'm babysitting.
Realizing Andrew is in dire need of more therapy sessions, scheduling those and working hard to stay positive about the amazing progress he has already made.
Finishing up a lot of unfinished projects. This is ongoing, but there always seems to be so much to do with an older house, especially while preparing for another child. This list is immense.
Roof repairs. We did a temporary fix. We're getting our Homeowners Insurance company's adjuster out here to look at our roof.
Getting the ball rolling to make sure I'm Sorin's legal guardian when she turns 18. We found a lawyer who offered to do it for free, or almost nothing. Yay!
Getting a letter with Sorin's evaluation stating "she's unable to make important life decisions on her own." We have to call the Family Psych clinic for this.
Go to the courthouse to assure Sorin's Child Support continues past the age of 18. She will technically be doing 3 extra years of High School (until age 21), participating in a special independent living program offered by the district. She will receive her diploma after that is completed.
Prepare for a 5 day trip to Chicago with Andrew and Sky. This also includes all preparations for leaving Sorin and Liam (and the 5 pets) with a house sitter (instructions, schedules, meal plans, etc). Sorin will be at a Teen Unity Rally for most of the trip.

I'm sure there are a few things I left out. I've had so much on my mind lately that it's been difficult to find the time and energy to post anything. Honestly, I keep hoping I can post good news about our court date! Despite my scattered periods, I love all the activity.... Sky was thanking me this morning for all that I do. He said "Mommy, you work so hard all the time and I want to tell you that I am so thankful for you." It was very sweet. Then he asked, "Do you enjoy your life, Mommy?" I smiled at him and cheered "I don't just enjoy it, I LOVE IT! I'm very happy being a mom, it's all I ever wanted to do." I also told him it doesn't feel like work to me because I love it so much, and that I hope he's able to find something he loves that much when he grows up. He said "I want to be a Chef, fly a plane, race cars, be an architect and design green cars! How can I do ALL that?!" He wants to do so many things, it'll be interesting to see what he finally settles on.

It's time for me to get back to finishing up Amelie's doll (a Waldorf style Star Baby). It has her name sewn on it now, and I'm getting so excited to have it done! I'll post pics soon.

Sky's July

2009-06-17T11:48:00.005-05:00

I'm thrilled that Daniel called the Lawrence Parks & Recreation Department this morning and enrolled Sky in an all-day Summer camp that runs 4 weeks, from June 29-July 24th! I thought he would make it all Summer at home, but he's climbing the walls and has just started the "cling to Mommy" response and needs me to entertain him at every turn. I adore him, but it can become draining after several weeks. At camp he'll have field trips, friends from school, crafts, and swimming 3-4 days a week. He's going to get that gorgeous, rich redskin tan he always gets.

Unlike me, Sky is NOT thrilled with the plan. In Spring he demanded not to do any Summer Camp this year, and since Andrew was doing Summer school I thought having him home would be a breeze. Sky was avoiding the "possibility" of being bullied at camp. Bullying happened at a different camp when he was 5 years old, and he has never forgotten about it despite the positive camp experiences last year, poor fella. I had a talk with him about how we can't avoid fun and happy experiences just because we're afraid of pain. He says he'd rather stay inside the house all Summer than go anywhere.... I think there's a name for that, like agoraphobia (sp?). It's not healthy, whatever it is. It looks like Mommy needs to nudge her little birdie out of the nest for a while so he can have a life (and she can, too!)

Andrew's Teacher Notes

2009-06-15T19:00:00.005-05:00

Andrew's teacher wrote me some notes today after his first day of Summer school. Here are a few:

Andrew did awesome today at school! He did great and we really enjoyed getting to know him.
Andrew was a performer today, but appropriately! He was our comic relief this afternoon during a game of "Ms. Darcy says..." He was so clever and hilarious with all his responses.
Andrew has already made an awesome impression on all of us and we are very excited to get to know him more this Summer!

The part about him "performing" had us laughing. In 2nd grade he never finished lunch because he was always too busy trying to perform in front of his classmates. It's an endearing quality, but gets in the way of his eating and academics. He is totally aware of why he doesn't eat during school lunch- "Mom, I am always too busy 'performing' for my friends and I really want attention!" It gets so bad that the lunch ladies end up separating him from classmates and make him eat alone at a small school desk. His need to perform reminds me of church yesterday. All the kids gathered on stage while the adults were singing them in, and Andrew stood there at the center of the stage directing the song (like a choir director) with his long skinny arms. There were a lot of laughs, but he kept a straight and serious face. Afterward, when we drove home, he was beaming with pride about it. I swear I'll be shocked if he doesn't become a Thespian of the stage in high school!

Video: Adoption Memoirs

2009-06-15T11:17:00.003-05:00

I can't resist sharing this beautiful video made by the Boyd family. Their daughter, Ayana, has been home four months and they made a video about her journey home. It shows a lot of Toukoul (where Amelie is staying) as well as the streets of Addis. What a gorgeous little girl she is! Click here

Between Busy-ness and Limbo

2009-06-15T10:28:00.005-05:00

It was a wild weekend with all four kids at home and minimal homecare support for Liam. Long story, but we're training someone new and transitioning someone else out so we couldn't use up many hours over the weekend. We had our usual "date night" on Saturday evening and some help Sunday morning.

Liam and Andrew started Summer School today. They're gone from 7:30am until 12:30pm M-Th, so it's been a nice respite in this quiet house today. Recovery time for Mama! Andrew was so nervous this morning he awoke at 5:30am and thought it was time to leave. After that he was spastic with worry, and by the time Daniel got him to school he was almost in tears. It's not the same school building he's accustomed to, and he never takes to change well....it will be a week or so before he warms up to the whole routine. Liam, on the other hand, was thrilled beyond belief to see his bus this morning. He stepped out with his backpack and swim bag in tow, and his smile from ear to ear as he greeted the new bus driver.

I didn't want to point it out again (I'm trying so hard to put it out of my mind), but today marks 5 weeks that we've awaited news of a court date. We're in "limbo-land" and I'll admit I have started waffling from deep patience and calmness to complete frustration. I can't help thinking about how nice it will be to have a time-frame to go on regarding an estimated travel date....I pray that we, along with several other families awaiting news, will get our court dates VERY soon.

The wait seems to be getting more difficult for me emotionally. I know Amelie is being well cared for, but it's still not a home environment...it's not her family. I was stricken the other night with a very real sensation of exactly how she would feel if I picked her up with my hands under her armpits. I could really "feel" her little bones (shoulders and ribs), I could see her tiny face which was much smaller than I expected. Her whole body is smaller than I imagined and the sensation of how she feels is still with me. It's very real. She is a tiny and very beautiful little thing...she needs me and I can feel that more deeply. It tugs at me from the moment I wake up and look at her photograph in the mornings, until I fall asleep at night. I'm grateful for the sensations of holding her, but it's making the wait more difficult..... I'm so glad Mama DeZutti will be leaving for Toukoul in just 5 days! I'm not only dying to hear her description of my little Goddess, but in just one week her longing to hold Sammy will come to an end and I am able to revel in her joy!

Andrew's Dream

2009-06-11T20:03:00.004-05:00

"The Family of Angels" as told by Andrew Prasad Peebles

Once upon a time there was a little boy angel named Andrew. He was all alone and he floated around looking for a home and couldn't find one. He was very sad and lonely. He floated around for a long time until he looked down and saw a beautiful blue house with a family of angels who were just like him. He knocked on the door and when they opened it they all became a family together.

They floated around, loving each other but Andrew noticed they didn't have any food. He went out and found some, and fed them all. He fed them lots and lots until they were not hungry any more. They were a happy family of angels and they were never hungry or lonely again.

The End

About this story: As I was tucking Andrew into bed this evening he recalled a dream he had the night before. He could barely speak of it because he was choked up and tears were streaming down his cheeks. I asked him if it was a scary dream because he usually has frightening dreams. He squeaked "No, no. It was the bestest dream I have ever had, Mom. It was so happy." He explained that there were angels, and that he was an angel, too. I asked him to share the whole dream. He took a deep breath and finally shared the dream, almost verbatum as I wrote it above. I'm posting it now because it's so fresh in my mind. After he finished telling it he sat up and wept on me with such intensity.

The most interesting elements for me are the symbology and parallels to his own life. The loneliness he endured (for his first 7 years of life), the loving family he finally found, and then the fact that he "feeds" us is the most beautiful part of all. He sees that we blessed him, and that he also has blessed us immensely by feeding our hearts. I told him that this evening and he knodded as if he already knew it. Oh, and before saying goodnight once and for all he said, still in tears "and I'm going to feed Amelie, too."

Waiting On A Court Date: 1 Month

2009-06-11T09:02:00.004-05:00

Whoa- today marks one full month of waiting to hear of a court date. When we received our referral, the agency director projected 5-6 weeks until we receive it. That means we'll hear something this week or next week (if he projected correctly). After we receive the date, we'll be able to start making more definite travel plans and know an approximate date for the Embassy appointment.

Once again, I'm feeling very patient about this, while Daniel is getting pretty restless. We got our referral after only nine weeks, and current referral wait times have increased, so I don't feel we have anything to complain about. I count our blessings every day and know we'll have Amelie home at the right and perfect time.

Andrew's Yoga Postures

2009-06-10T18:59:00.005-05:00

I couldn't resist posting these pictures of Andrew's yogic skills. He is the most flexible human I have ever known. He does these postures effortlessly...being Indian it's in his genes. He started fine tuning these skills at age seven by staring for hours at our Yoga magazines. The various postures intrigued him, and he's tried almost all of them. He's very proud of himself and these skills. Of course, my favorite pose is the lotus (at top) because he looks so at peace. At bedtime he meditates prior to falling alseep.

He keeps talking about wanting to take yoga classes when he's older. He shared today that he's "decided to be a professional tabla player" (Indian drums), and wants to attend "Tabla College" when he's done with high school. Anything is possible.

All Work and Play

2009-06-10T18:42:00.004-05:00

sweeping the kitchen floor. Sky likes to take the handle off his sweeper and roll it by hand. Oh sweet labor...he loves it.

cleaning behind the sofa

Andrew found the skin of an onion behind the sofa

nesting

Sky has been attending the University's soccer camp this week and just as he returned home Andrew was in the middle of oiling the new dining table. Sky asked to help out, and from there on the entire day was a huge success. They worked hard together cleaning the house, sweeping every floor, and scrubbing grime. Of course I sat on a comfy chair just watching them, enjoying their labors as I read and nibbled Chips Ahoy cookies. Sky was on cloud nine and kept saying "I feel so great. I'm free, I'm so free and feeling marvelous!" I think it was the sense of cooperation he felt with his brother. You can see it in the top photo....such pride.

After all the cleaning I gave them a bunch of blankets so they could create a tent out of the dining table. I love their clever bunk beds.

My Old Song To Liam: "Come Talk To Me"

2009-06-10T08:06:00.003-05:00

I posted this Peter Gabriel music video because it was my song to Liam for so many years. He had some language at 1 year old, but then lost it. It never returned, so for about three difficult years I sung this song to him (I memorized every word). Many times it was sung while I danced joyfully with him, but some times it was in desperation and tears until I finally made peace with the reality that he would be communicating in very different ways. The silence was painful primarily because I never knew what he was thinking or needing, and never heard the words "I love you." Hearing the song now helps me see how far our whole family has come on the journey toward acceptance and gratitude. He tells me that he loves me every day in very special ways.

Lyrics:

The wretched desert takes its form, the jackal proud and tight
In search of you, I feel my way, though the slowest heaving night
Whatever fear invents, I swear it make no sense
I reach through the border fence
Come down, come talk to me

In the swirling, curling storm of desire unuttered words hold fast
With reptile tongue, the lightning lashes towers built to last
Darkness creeps in like a thief and offers no relief
Why are you shaking like a leaf
Come on, come talk to me

Ah please talk to me
Wont you please talk to me
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me

{chorus 1:}
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Cant you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me [x2]

The earthly power sucks shadowed milk from sleepy tears undone
From nippled skin as smooth as silk the bugles blown as one
You lie there with your eyes half closed like theres no-one there at all
Theres a tension pulling on your face
Come on, come talk to me

Wont you please talk to me
If youd just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If youd only talk to me

{chorus 2:}
Dont you ever change your mind
Now your futures so defined
And you act so deaf and blind
[and you act so deaf so blind]
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me [x2]

I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
til were both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away

I said please talk to me
Wont you please come talk to me
Just like it used to be
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me [x2]

Compassion & Beauty at Walgreen's

2009-06-08T19:14:00.006-05:00

I was standing in line, holding Andrew's hand while we waited to pick up Amelie's family photo album prints at Walgreen's. An elderly little lady turned around and smiled at us and Andrew very cordially said "Hello" to her. She lit up and said it back to Andrew with an even bigger smile, and then she walked past us. Andrew turned to me and said "Awww, Mom, she is so, so very sweet and old. I feel so sorry and sad for that poor lady." I asked him why he felt badly about her and he shared that she looks so old, wrinkly and can't walk very well. I looked into his eyes as he spoke, and his heart was literally weeping. I turned around and we watched her with a walker, slowly turning to go down an aisle. He said "Oh Mom. She is so beautiful, look at her." He saw a grace in her, despite her age. He saw beyond it. Andrew begged to run over and help her, but I told him she's okay and doing very well on her own. He continued to beg me until he walked over to the aisle and said "Umm, I wanted to tell you that you are BEAUTIFUL!" She barely glanced back at him, and I'm not sure if she could hear well. It felt like he couldn't think of anything else to say or do for her, but he just desperately needed to say something to connect somehow.

I was touched and stunned by his actions and how much it ripped his 9 year old heart out to see someone he perceived as suffering. I wondered how he was able to handle seeing even worse off maimed, starving and homeless people on the streets in India all those years. I have always sensed a very bold and determined soul in him regarding the need to serve and help others. As a parent, my present concerns lie in the issues of not talking to strangers and boundaries. He still has a long way to go regarding socially appropriate behaviors, and when he blurted the "beautiful" comment it was said loudly and dramatically. I told him that I see a beautiful and caring heart inside of him and I'm proud of him for sincerely wanting to help someone. I added that there are many ways he's going to be able to help people as he gets older; the world needs compassionate hearts like his.

Photos Bound for Toukoul!

2009-06-08T18:43:00.006-05:00

In just 12 days this little photo album will be in Mama DeZutti's luggage, on its way to Amelie's little hands (and mouth!) at Toukoul. Thank you, Meg! We are on the edge of our seats and can't wait to see pictures of Meg and her little Sam together. She'll be at Toukoul's Guest House for 3 1/2 weeks and has offered to take photos and video of Amelie for us; I've been feeling so grateful for this today...I'm teary-eyed. There are no words to convey how much this means to us.

She's taking this album with an old, handmade baby blanket we've been sleeping with so Amelie can have our smells, along with a disposable camera for the caregivers. We're hoping they can take pictures of her while we wait, and we'll bring it home for developing after we pick her up. They will surely all be keepsakes.

Amelie's First Shoes

2009-06-07T08:16:00.004-05:00

Daniel and I went out to dinner last evening, had delicious Middle Eastern food (felafel, hummus, rose lemonade and an eggplant sandwich on pita with garlic tahini...mmmm). Afterward we ventured out to a few stores and found these cute, soft-sole shoes for Amelie. They're size 9-12 months (infant size 3). They're brown and will match a lot of her clothes. We also couldn't resist the soft and snuggly "Peace" baby blanket.

The shoes are a huge hit. The two younger boys are flipping out this morning, squeaking and squealing. I think they're about to pass out from cuteness!

Notes About Liam

2009-06-05T13:50:00.008-05:00

A few people have been inquiring about Liam. I write so much about my two youngest kids that it's understandable. He's always here, in the background of our vibrant family just smiling, humming, skipping and dancing. He's been a quiet witness to so much. We call him the great angel and catalyst of our family.

Liam just completed 8th grade. For those who don't know him, he has moderate to severe autism. He's non-verbal and communicates through gestures, signs and vocalizations. He's 14, but is the size of a typical 5th grader. He has an angelic and sweet nature, so he doesn't carry with him the same type of testosterone levels I see in my younger two boys. He's without an ego, gentle and joyful, and has never hurt a flea. The only time he's unhappy is when he can't seem to get his needs or desires communicated (which happens at least once a day).

History: When Liam was born he was beautiful and radiant. He had a glowing aura around him. And unlike his sister, he was a very calm and peaceful baby. His eye contact was amazing, and I remember lying in the bed with him, face to face, as he gazed into my eyes for long periods; peering into each others souls. He smiled at us, laughed and vocalized. He had a few words by the age of one, and pointed at things that interested him. He sat up on his own at the normal age, but didn't walk on his own until he was about 19 months. When he was about 15 months we noticed he wasn't using words any more, and had never played with objects or toys. He also wasn't feeding himself. After getting an MRI done on his brain they told me it appeared normal in every way, except for a slightly smaller corpus colossum (the area at center of the brain responsible for conveying messages between the left and right hemispheres). I was told by the pediatrician that it was very likely he may never feed himself, never walk or talk, and never show normal interaction with people. I went through a few years of complete devasatation and grief.

He has fed himself independently since age 2, and as I said he did start walking and hasn't stopped since. He loves interacting with family and peers- he prefers tickles and high-fives. He loves trampolines, and is the most muscular person we know...he has wash board abs! The main thing he hasn't conquered is speech, but he makes up for it with facial expressions, gestures, etc. With Liam I have learned to connect on a whole other level....it feels like a more advanced level of communication, not an inferior one.

Activities: He spends his day viewing his large DVD collection and listening to music. his favorite tunes are the Beatles and Enya. He also loves many of the Indian mantra CD's we have, and appears to fall into a trance like state very naturally. He was diagnosed with manic-bi polar disorder at age nine and it was a tremendous relief. We finally found the appropriate treatment for many sleepless nights and severe mood swings. Medication has been a tremendous blessing for him and our family. He loves getting deep pressure massages. He's good at attending music concerts and assemblies at his school. His favorite activity is swimming, and he can swim 27 laps at the local pool. Someone asked me if he was "into sports" and because of that I'd say yes, however not in a competitive way. Liam is all about having fun.

Favorite Foods: Liam is funny about food. He prefers salads complete with peppers, cucumber, carrots, chick peas, mushrooms, tomatoes and NO salad dressing. He prefers greens over just about anything. He doesn't care much for meat, breads or pastas. He loves spicy foods (it's a sensory thing) so he goes for pickles, sweet & hot peppers. A plate full of fresh veggies and salty chips is heaven to Liam.

School: Liam's receptive language is excellent, and he can follow both one and two-part directions. At school they're working on many areas to help Liam become as independent as possible. Here are just a few:

pouring liquids
stirring
Baking
Cooperating with peer
Cutting with a knife
Loading and unloading the dishwasher
delivering mail throughout the school
toothbrushing
dressing
Taking long walks
Socialization
Participating in physical education

The main thing I like to share about having Liam in my life is the fact that he has propelled me to do almost everything I have done in the last 9-10 years. After recovering from the grief and sadness of the diagnosis I felt determined to show him and our family that life is still as beautiful and rich and full as ever. I have never asked "why me" or "why Liam?" As a severely shy and quiet individual, he forced me to find my voice. Because if this, there is such an irony in his lack of speech! Because of Liam I felt compelled to have more children; he has welcomed each new child with grace and a smile. As the family "catalyst" he has done more good for us than anything imaginable. My relationship with the Divine has been deepened and strengthened by his presence. He has served me that way and I feel indebted. With all his difficulties and challenges he wakes up with joy, shares his joy with others and has a lighthearted nature that inspires me every day. I swear he knows a secret about our existence that we'd all benefit from.

It's an honor to serve you as your Mommy in this life, Liam! THANK YOU

Busting Sky's Bubble

2009-06-03T18:14:00.006-05:00

I don't know what to say...I'm practically speechless. Well, not really. I'm floored at how Andrew has taken off in his understanding and skill level with soccer. This is a boy who hated sports, wanted nothing to do with it, lacked a competitive edge, and every time he engaged in a game it was a disaster because he ended up falling down and feeling terrible about himself afterward. He's been practicing a great deal with Daddy and Sky lately, and he's finally learned the object of the game. He's also showing a major competitive edge and healthy aggression on the field. This isn't what renders me practically speechless, rather it's Sky's ego and how he's taking all this. He's a complete mess.

All this is showing me how powerful sports can be regarding character development. I'm getting glimpses of the parallels between handling a game vs. handling life. Andrew has grown in his self-esteem, is realizing where his strengths are while Sky is realizing he's not the single best player on the planet. Sky seriously believed that, or wanted to with all his heart. Andrew's previous weaknesses fed Sky's need to feel superior, and now that those are being stripped away he has become a mess (that's all I'll say because I want to protect his privacy). He's having a hard time understanding that there will always be better players than him, better runners, etc., and there will always be players worse than him on the field. Sky has a more dense and heavy bone structure (stalky and muscular) and cannot run like the wind. Andrew has a runner's frame with very long legs and has almost outrun Daddy on occasion! Sky is more skilled at the game and has a great "kick" but won't accept this because he wants to be good at everything.

I'm happy for Andrew and his accomplishments. His self-image has grown by leaps and bounds, and he keeps telling Sky he's a "Super Hero Soccer Kicker" to help ease the blow (he's really concerned with how it's all affecting him). I keep patting Sky on the back, reminding him that his coach thinks he's one of the best players on the team. He's nicknamed "Bigfoot" because of his kicking skills. I think it's healthy for Sky to get knocked off his pedestal for a while...it's humbling for him. His need to achieve and be the best will get him far in life, but he needs to realize that he cannot dominate any person in order to feel good about himself. Again, as I've said before, kids need to feel valuable from the inside out. They also need to cheer for people they care about when they succeed....there is enough to go around, and Andrew's successes are our whole family's successes. Sky is going on 8, and I know without a doubt that he will understand this eventually. Meanwhile, we're kissing those painful [ego] bruises.

"Its up to my chin, Mom!"

2009-06-03T11:40:00.004-05:00

Andrew went to work with Daddy today, and on their way they stopped at a Kansas City hardware store to look for fence pickets. We've been needing to replace many of our old ones, but haven't been able to find the size we need (4" X 4'). Finally they were found today, and Daniel sent me the photo to make sure they were a match. I was laughing about Andrew's extremely serious look (it just does not look like him). Good grief, maybe it's just me, but he looks seventeen in the face! And is that a moustache I'm seeing?

After they loaded the goods into the car I was able to talk to Andrew over the phone and I realized he still has an obvious Hindi/Marathi accent. Only over the phone was I able to hear that, loud and clear. I loved hearing it again, so we need to do more phone calls!

To Go, Or Not To Go

2009-06-02T11:45:00.004-05:00

We're expecting an update and photo of Amelie any day now, and we continue to await news of our court date. In the meantime, we're discussing the possibility of attending Andrew's orphanage reunion in Chicago at the end of June. It would give us a chance to visit my sister a day or two, then spend a weekend at Homewood Suites just hanging out with many of his old Bal Vikas friends and families. It was a blast last year and the boys absolutely loved the whole trip.

With Amelie's adoption process and all the planning involved I can look at it 1) as an overwhelming and an added stress to adoption travel & planning, or 2) a nice break and escape from our everyday hubbub here in Lawrence. It may help pass some time, and I'm sure it would be a valuable experience with the boys, considering we didn't plan any family trips this Summer. Not to mention we just purchased a nice Toyota Sienna that could get us there and back in comfort and ease. I'm actually smiling at the idea of being able to take a road trip with Sky and Andrew separated from each other.

Fortunately, we have a new homecare worker for Liam who may jump at the opportunity to watch him at our house the whole weekend, and Sorin will be at a spiritual Unity Rally for teens in Oklahoma. It will be the last opportunity to take a trip with just the boys, without little Amelie. So, after weighing it all out it looks like a "go" (for now).

Transracial Adoption Story

2009-06-01T08:43:00.003-05:00

I wanted to share this NY Times link because of how very touching it is. The piece is extremely well done, but most of all it's a beautiful, transracial family. I'd love to see more stories like this out there; one adoptive parent said "We don't need it, but it really validates us." It puts a face to a type of family that some people don't consider, and many don't understand.

Little Heirlooms of Love

2009-05-31T19:52:00.003-05:00

My maternal Grandmother lovingly hand sewed this pillowcase for me when I was a baby. The cotton is extremely soft, and it has my name at the bottom (Jill). I'm planning to restore some of the stitching on the edges and sew Amelie's name on the other side. The little baby blanket under that was the one I wrapped Sorin AND Liam up in when they came home from the hospital right after birth. They're both waiting for Amelie.

Some of Amelie's Clothes

2009-05-31T19:43:00.003-05:00

It's hard to believe Amelie will be wearing this to the pool next Summer!

Ok, I don't hate pink THAT much. Especially if it's made out of 100% linen and has embroidery on it.

Her very first cotton tee

This dress is extra special because Sorin wore it when she was a baby. She had her photo taken in it at a studio. It's a 24 month size, so won't fit Amelie until next Summer

Here are a few of her organic cotton bibs

Amelie's Bed

2009-05-31T19:17:00.002-05:00

We've gotten Amelie's little corner of the world set up and it feels great. We chose to have a portable bed in our room, partly because of space and partly because of the desire for simplicity. After 4 kids I'm acutely aware of how quickly kids outgrow things and had no desire to set up a big, fancy crib. The most important thing is that she will be comfortable, feel safe, and be very close to Mommy and Daddy. I'm making an extra fluffy, padded mattress with homemade sheets to boot! The little cotton & flannel blanket hanging at the top was one I made several months ago. Notice we have no "pinks"....I'm just not very into them. The two wooden masks were hand carved in Africa, and we've had those for three years. I'm planning to put an "Amelie" name plaque under them. And Sorin and I bought the little old bear chair and plan to paint it together. I got the large bunny for Amelie this Easter (it's extremely soft), and the little doll was a gift from Grammy Lin.

We love having a "space" all set up for her. The energy has shifted in our bedroom, and we're amazed at how the bed feels smaller than the wooden trunk that was there. The room flows and feels perfect.

Blooming Drew

2009-05-30T20:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday and today were two amazing days with Andrew. I don't know what he's going through, but he's been the most happy and upbeat kid on the planet. On top of that his affections toward me have been so open, sweet and profound that it's been overwhelming at times. He's getting better at verbalizing his feelings. When sitting alone on the sofa he looked into my eyes with that sparkle he has and said "I don't know what to do Mom. I love you so, so much I want to cry about it. It's so much love that it hurts." He buried his head into me and hung on, as if for dear life.

I'm noticing something humorous, too. Whenever he's in time-out or getting scolded, and I walk up in close enough range for us to lock eyes, there is a melting that takes place. All his frustrations fall away and he softens up. He reaches for me and asks to see my eyes again. In that moment everything feels unshaken and almost transcendent. He ends up with a soft smile. It looks like my eyes melt him almost as much as his melt mine. We've had that connection since the first moment we met, and it warms my heart to know it continues to this day.

I'd like to add that he may be feeling so inwardly marvelous and open these days because of some major progress he's had on the soccer field with Dad and Sky. They've been going next door almost daily and Daddy teaches him how to play. He's gotten faster and more agile than Sky at the game and it seems to be boosting his self image. For the first time we're seeing a competitive nature come out...a healthy male aggression that used to be clouded by self loathing and doubt. He's stopping in the middle of playing to tell Daddy how much he loves him. In his free time he keeps lecturing the mantra to himself and others "If I don't love myself, I can never really love anyone else!" He's been working so hard on self acceptance and I think it's paying off. He's so genuinely loving these days that I find myself sad when he goes to bed at night, and can't wait to bask in his love and adoration again the next day.

Andrew's Painting

2009-05-30T12:02:00.002-05:00

"Dreaming Snail" by Andrew Prasad Peebles, May '09

mixed media: watercolor and crayon